Simplicity

Hey There, Ho There, Anyone There?

2011-10-05T08:30:00.002-05:00

So, I'm back in Kansas. Perhaps a summary of my time in Indiana will come later... I'm still thinking about it. I'm super pumped for what's ahead though.
-I have my own apartment! I'm pretty excited to live by myself. This is what I'm thinking about it so far:
-The theme of my bathroom will be TREES! A shower curtain with different types of native trees with their scientific names is the only shower curtain that will do. I saw one once in a lodge, so I know they exist. The moment I saw it, I knew there was no other for me.
- My living room shall be prairie. If I"m allowed to paint the walls I will paint the walls an earthy green. I'll have big decorative pots in different areas of the room with native grass in them, and hopefully my furniture can be light brown. Nothing that a little paint or staining can't handle. All of the art will be of the prairie, or something found on the prairie, such as wildflowers, birds, beautiful sunsets, insects, and of course grasses.
-I'm having a hard time with the bedroom. I thought about making it KU. But to be honest, even though I adore KU, I adore trees and the outdoors more. Perhaps I could have a KU corner.
-Maybe my kitchen can be KU.

I also have a pretty spacious deck that I'm pretty excited about. I'll do a lot of reading and writing out there. Praying, sitting, contemplating.

Now here is what I'm REALLY excited about!! I've always had the tendencies of a little miss homey homemaker, but have never really had the time to develop it. In college I had people over all of the time, baked things for people, etc. But I didn't really have time to be too creative. Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll, I think I"ll have time now!! Read on to discover what I'm so pumped about!!
Spinning. Have you ever heard of it? Ya know, making your own yarn. I love to knit and crochet. My friend Millie got me a drop spindle that I've been making yarn on. I really like it. If I keep liking it and want to continue, I'm going to get a spinning wheel. Then I can make bigtime yarn. I'm currently spinning with Alpaca. It's a herd animal from Peru. It's fleece is known for it's cashmere like fiber. I want an Alpaca really bad so I can sheer it myself. I'd also like a couple different kinds of goats that have highly desirable fleeces. What am I planning to do with this yarn, you say? Make things out of it, silly! It seems like all of my friends are getting married and having babies. Since I'm not getting married and having babies right now, I guess I will make things for them and their babies.
Cooking. Suprise suprise! But I want to do more cooking stuff then just having meals at my house. I want to start canning. I've done some of this, but not a lot. Also, I think it would be fun to make all of my own noodles. I've been eying this noodle maker that can make all sorts of pasta. It would be good Christmas preasents.
Quilting. My mom is really good at quilting. I did a little bit in highschool, but not much. Again, it's something that takes some time.
Sewing. My mom has a sewing machine that she will give me. I especially want to learn how to make skirts.
And then some other things, but I'm tired of writing about that.

I haven't wrote in my blog for quite some time... mainly because I'm scared to write about the things that have been occupying my mind, spiritually and philosophically. I spent a year in Indiana is near solitude, and i think it was all in all pretty good for me. It made me confront a lot of things in my life, see some things I hadn't seen about myself before, and to really peg down the desires of my heart. I'm excited for this next year in my life. I wrote this blog post just to get me writing on here again. Perhaps with a little bit of will power and courage I'll begin to tell you about myself: where I have been this past year, how I have changed, how I have stayed the same, and where I wish to go.
That is unless I have lost all my readers.... haha.

G-R-A-C-E

2011-02-07T19:29:00.003-06:00

G-R-A-C-E

I woke up this morning feeling panicky. Is that how you spell that?

Yeah, I was panicky. I hate that feeling. Because that feeling is usually the side-effect of other negative things. I decided to not be like I normally am (kick it to the side and trudge on), and made a list of the things in my life that were making me feel this way. There were many, and after taking a good look, I thought to myself, "Well no wonder my joy is being squelched! GOSH!"

The list included things like:
2 Big time job interviews coming up (one is tomorrow).
Living paycheck to paycheck (but always making it!)
Exhaustion
Homesickness
Lonliness
Not enough time in prayer and the Word ( I need a lot!)
And the list goes on....

Looking at the list wasn't actually that depressing. At least it got things out in the open, haha! Felt pretty good. Then I remembered that
His yoke is easy, His burden is light

And I released it.
Yes, just like that.

Asking God to give you the grace to deal with things is so easy. So freeing, so..... right. And he deals with things way better than we do.

What a friend we have in Jesus. :)

On Church Unity

2011-02-07T19:09:00.002-06:00

The Bride

Through the grassy meadow where the bride walks,
My life, it waits.

The dark woods wherein the beasts lie, I see them yonder.
Outside stands the Bridgegroom, awaiting his Beloved.
He takes her hand. Completing the cord of three, the enter in.
My life, it waits.

The battle, it runs deep in my bones.
I hear it: the rumbling of thunder, the clashing of swords.
The beasts circle. As one they will FIGHT!
My life, it waits.

The bloodied Bridgegroom belows in triumph,
He raises his prize to the sky!
The Bride, ripped and torn, stands beautiful still.
Oh to stand in unity, to raise linked hands with the Bridegroom!
O my life, it waits!

The battle won, the Body made new,
Radiating like the sun on the morning dew
the Couple stands, tended from on high.
My life, how eagerly it waits!

The utterings of my burdened soul grow louder,
The ache, oh, the ache! I double over in pain,
I fall to my knees, it must be now!
Please, oh PLEASE, LORD! I cannot wait!

Come now, most beloved Child. You must wait.
Sit with me.

My life, it wats.

I must wait.

I will wait.

Words of Inspiration

2011-01-05T12:45:00.003-06:00

God has spoken powerfully to me through the words and passion of my dear friend, Janalee Walter. Her heart for advancing the gospel to the nations, and namely her to own town is inspiring and reminds me of my purpose on this earth. I hope you read it. I hope you take it to heart because it true, and most of all I hope that you will bring her words before the Lord in prayer and ask Him to show you his heart for YOUR town, where and how YOU can serve Him through YOUR actions in YOUR everyday life, and how to do it all for the glory of God. If indeed you do pray to God about how to soften your heart towards your town, hold on to your britches because our God is a God who loves to give us our requests when they are according to his will. :)

Do it.

Click HERE for the link to her blog.

Ready, set, Go!

Journey Through the Desert

2010-12-23T23:39:00.005-06:00

I told a good friend of mine a few months ago how I felt about my life. I told her I felt as though I was walking through a desert. I didn't expound too much, but my thought with saying that was just to let her know that I was tired and weary, lacking direction, lost and a bit hopeless. Here is the picture that I imagined, perhaps you can imagine it with me. This is metaphoric and symbolic of the state of my soul for the past months.

I was walking through the dessert that I had been walking through for a couple months already, but oddly enough I had not realized that I was walking through a dessert until I became terribly thirsty. As I looked into the distance, the horizon showed nothing but miles upon miles of ominous sand dunes, dotted with the twirl of dustdevils. The sight unsettled me, and my stomach sank at even the thought of continuing on. At once I looked back to see where I had come from, to see what was behind me. I turned around to see the exact same scene: miles and miles of sand dunes. I had walked into this desert unknowingly. Who knows how long I had been traveling in it. My stomach crept deep into my chest as I came to the realization that I would have to face the desert. I was hot, thirsty, and tired. Wether I chose to go forward or backwards, I would have to face the dunes, the intense heat and the grains of sand whipping me in the face as the wind relentlessly made it's way across the dessert. I had to choose. Should I go back? Or should I go forward? Either way was unknown. Going back seemed like the chicken way, my heart leaned towards taking the chance of going forward, but how long would I have to go before reaching the end of the desert? Could I make it if I went forward? Alas, I chose to go forward. I traveled through the desert for 3 months, fighting the extremities. Towards the end my whole body felt and looked like death. My throat cracked with each breath I drew in. Each breath was also accompanied by a sharp pain in my side as my body struggled to bring in oxygen. My muscles could no longer be felt, my legs were dead weight. I began to cry but forced myself to stop because it expended too much needed energy. With each dreadful step, my hope faded as my strength dwindled. My seemingly never-ending will to fight that had accompanied me my whole life like a roaring water spout was down to its last few drops. Drip. Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

Finally, I crumbled to the sand. I was done. I lay down and admitted defeat, ready to accept death. I layed there on the sand. The fight was over. I lost. But the oddest thing happened. As I lay there waiting to die, I felt the most authentic peace I had ever experienced in my life. My life had been full of vivaciousness, energy and fight. My life was so bright and so full of so called peace. But as I lay there, death at hand, the most amazing feeling of peace overwhelmed me. The peace only came after giving up. Truly giving up. There were no cards left to play, not even sluff cards. As I lay there still as could be, for the first time in my life there was no striving. My fate was no longer my own. And IT. FELT. GREAT.

I gave a weak smile. And then I died.

Skip forward one month later.

I came back to life apparently, because I was now standing on the edge of the dessert, looking back at my body not even 50 yards from me. I looked at my body laying in front of me, then I looked at my new body... they were both as real as could be!! I felt great! I wasn't in pain, I was hydrated, my muscles were strong, but most markedly I noticed the change in my spirit. I was free. I WAS FREE!! The old was gone, and the new had come! I had been given a second chance! A new life! I was changed! I jumped up and down, sang at the top of my lungs, and even did a hand stand! This was too wonderful to be true! But it WAS true. I said to God, "Thankyou God, for leading me to death in order to make me new.

That little symbolic story about my life for the past year is a good example of the gospel. The bible says that in order to have eternal life you must be born again. I was born again a long time ago, but just recently I feel like in a way I had to die again. This past year has been a series of tough decisions, unknowns, let downs, and failures. During that year I kept asking God... "So, I was wondering when you're going to cut me a break? Here I am, doing what I feel like you were telling me to do, and now every plan I had is crumbling down around me!! Is this what happens when we're faithful! Was I wrong? Did I hear you wrong? Tell me what to do!!" After ditching the seminary plans and getting turned down for two great jobs I moved to Indiana to work. After settling in there and calming downing, I finally realized the state that I was in, and it wasn't a healthy one. That was the point in the story where I got thirsty, and then realized that I had been walking in the desert for a long time without knowing it. The trudging and forging on for three months has been the last three months of my life... walking out of the desert. And right now, I am standing on the edge of it in my new body looking back at my dead body I left behind.

Oh I wish I could put more profoundly into words how valuable that time in the desert was. It was a dark and scary time... but it produced so much good in me. Through it I think I have matured a lot in life, but most of all in my walk with my heavenly Father.

Now that I have taken time to asses some of the changes that have happened to me, I thought I would take a moment to share them.

Laughter turned into mourning which in turn produced a healthier fear of God.
Pride turned to humilty which in turn produced a heart more willing to recieve guidance.
Worry turned into depression and anxiety which in turn produced a clearer understanding of trusting God with my life.
Circumstances leading to suffering produced a heart more tender and empathetic towards the hurting and lost.
Ceaseless striving turned into failing which in turn produced the knowledge that apart from Him we can do no good thing, it must come in His time.
Utter defeat resulting in death to myself in turn produced a new perspective on life, given only and ONLY because God is so full of grace and mercy.
Confession of our sins and brokenness is rewarded by God who gives grace to the humble.

I clung to the beatitudes last year. While I was walking through the desert, I clung to what God promised in this particular part of scripture. As I stand looking back at the desert, I see how faithfully God has fulfilled the words said in the beatitudes. And here they are:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for the will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peace makers, for they will be called the children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for their is the kingdom of Heaven.
~Matthew 5:3-10

You should go to this site and listen to this song. You'll have to scroll down a little bit and push on the little speaker phone thing.

PEACE,
Jenna

Every day is a new day to Glorify God

2010-10-13T17:07:00.003-05:00

Take heart all ye 9-5ers like me!(or 11 to 7, 2-10, or whathaveyou). WORK WITH PURPOSE!!

"The mistake of mistakes is to think that holiness consists in great or extraordinary things beyond reach of ordinary people. It has been well said, 'Holiness does not consist in doing uncommon things, but in doing common things uncommonly well.' Even in those great saints of God, the things which dazzle us most may not be the most precious in the sight of God. Great was the faith of Joshua, for example, when he said:"Sun, stand thou still upon Gibeon, and thou moon, in the valley of Ajalon.' God himself speaks of it that 'there was no day before it nor after it, that the Lord hearkened unto the voice of a man.' Yet nearer to the heart of God were those words of Joshua's aged love: 'As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.'

So too now. It is not by great things, but by great diligence in little everyday things that you can show great love for God, and become greatly holy, and a saint of God. Few ever do great things, and the few who can do them can each do but few. But every one can study the will of God and can give great diligence to know it and to do what he knows. Everyone can, by the grace of God, be faithful to what he knows. Your daily round of duty is your daily path to come nearer unto God."

~Edward Bouverie Pusey
Priest, Tractarian, 1882

Here in Indiana

2010-09-15T16:31:00.003-05:00

Hi! If you wanted to make my day, all's you would have to do is send me something in the mail.

I'm serious.

2750 W Westchester Dr.
Crawfordsville, IN 47933

Blogging could become tough, as there is no internet at my house. I have to go to town for that, haha.

Love,
Jenna

Of War and Capitol Punishment and the Like

2010-09-06T23:17:00.002-05:00

Why must we kill people to show that killing people is bad?
-Bumper sticker

Current Reading List

2010-09-05T17:25:00.004-05:00

Current list of books that I will for sure read within 1 year:

Religion Saves- Mark Driscoll
The Brothers Karamazov- Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Kierkegaards Journals- Kierkegaard
All six of Jane Austen's novels
Watership Down- Richard Adams
Jesus for Presdient- Shane Claiborne
Doctrine- Mark Driscoll
Organic Leadership- Neil Cole
The Forgotten Ways- Alan Hirsch

As you know, I am never oppossed to suggestions. Are there any books that make you feel as though I would be incomplete if I didn't read? If so, you must tell me now lest I be incomplete!!!!!!!!!!!

September 10th

2010-09-02T13:56:00.000-05:00

Come September 10th I am sailing away to vast woods of Indiana. :) Ok, so maybe it's not Tripoli or Avala... but hey, it stirs the same emotion, sense of freedom and joy.

God is so good! It's back to teaching about nature for me, and I couldn't be more delighted.

More to come later.

Sara Groves - Hello Lord

2010-08-29T16:23:00.000-05:00

If you want to know how I"m feeling lately, listen to this song. Her words explain a lot more eloquently my thoughts as of late.

Janice, I'm stuck!!

2010-08-24T01:28:00.001-05:00

Is it lame that it's 1:30 in the morning and I have now watched this video 11 times in a row?? Maybe this isn't your kind of humor... but it sure is mine!! Poor kid, Janice at least could have comforted him a little!! But she couldn't quit laughing, haha.

And just so you know, I"m not making fun of fat kids. I would have laughed just as hard at a skinny person.

Palladio ~ Escala

2010-08-21T01:19:00.000-05:00

Themesong for my life right now. This song gets me pumped!!! ooooh the beautiful strings.

100th Post

2010-08-19T00:27:00.002-05:00

This is my 100th post. I've been blogging for a little over 2 years now. My 100th post is going to be about something that counts.

Think about these things with me if you will. Will we turn our heads and continue to let our hearts be hard? I've been guilty of it and still am. These statistics are what I'm thinking about when you hear me say I want to sell my things and live among the poor.

Less than 1% of what the world spent every year on weapons was needed to put every child into school by the year 2010.

Around 27-28 percent of all children in developing countries are estimated to be underweight or stunted.

There are 2.2 billion children in this world, around 1 million are in poverty.

For every $1 in aid a developing country receives, over $25 is spent on debt repayment.

12 percent of the world’s population uses 85 percent of its water, and these 12 percent do not live in the Third World. (yes, that would be us rich americans).

Poverty kills more than 50,000 people every day. 18 million poor people die every year from extreme poverty.

20% of the population in developed nations consumes 86% of the world's goods. (Once again, that is us)

Every year more than 10 million children die of hunger and preventable diseases - that’s over 30,000 per day, or one every 3 seconds.

When The Saints - Sara Groves

2010-08-19T00:10:00.000-05:00

I don't want to live just to live. I want to live to give. This song has inspired me to hope and purpose everytime i hear it. The first time I heard it was probably about a year and half ago. Tonight as I listened to it I had to get up and dance with hands lifted high. Praise God he has sent each of us on a mission! My mission has always been to love the hurting. Who knows where in this world it'll take me.

My Life Right Now

2010-08-11T17:20:00.002-05:00

It's been quite awhile since i've posted anything on here about my life. I generally try to steer clear of making my blog seem like an online journal, but for those of you who are wondering "what in the world is going on with Jenna, I can't keep track of that girl anymore", this post is for you. Welcome back to my life. :)

This summer I moved to Kansas City to work at Emmanuel Baptist Church as an RA for the LTP (leadership training program) interns. LTP goes on in a few Kansas City Churches and has been a rich tradition throughout the years, namely at Coloniel Presbyterian, and Heartland churches. My job was to mentor the interns who worked with the youth. I went in not expecting to be that involved with the youth, but ended up loving and cherishing each of them as the summer went on. The day of leaving them (August 2nd) was certainly a tear-filled day. I lived in the church with 3 interns and the the other RA. Living in community was certainly a transition. We were around each other every day for work, and then when we weren't working we hung out with each other. None of us knew each other coming in, so it was quite a challenge and blessing at the same time getting to know one another in such a rushed way. The 5 of us certainly had our fair share of turbulence in our relationships with one another, but we quickly became like family. I miss them all dearly and think of them daily, maybe even hourly.

I chose the job at Emmanuel Baptist Church (EBC) in Kansas City because I was planning on living in Kansas City for the next three years anyway while attending an alternative seminary program called MAP (Ministry Apprenticeship Program). In short, MAP trains up leaders to be church planters. I've always wanted to go to seminary because I wanted some sort of training. Ever since I seriously started following Christ I have been in leadership, but have recieved very little training. Instead of leading, I was ready to learn!! I loved the idea of MAP. I love apostolic ministry, and I love the church. I could tell you much more about MAP if you would like to to know, but for now I'll stop there. In April of this year I finally had my mind made up that I was going to attend MAP, got accepted, and started making plans. In May I recieved a call from a Park Ranger at Wilson lake, a lake that I had worked at 2 years ago, telling me that there was a full time position open at a neighboring lake and that I should apply for it. I immedietly said no because I had made up my mind to do MAP. A week went by and that decision wasn't setting right with me so I decided to apply for the job. As the summer went on my desire to do MAP became less and less, and finally I decided that if I wasn't excited to do it, then I had no business doing it. I think MAP is something that you should have a calling towards, and I can't say for sure that I do.
All summer I was in limbo, not knowing if I was going to get the park ranger job. It stressed me out big time. I finally made the decision that I was not going to do MAP, at least right now anyways. I was pretty confident that I would get this park ranger job, so I didn't stress too much. Then I found out that I didn't get the park ranger job, and it shocked me big time.
I knew that I didn't like living in KC, and there was no reason for me to stay now that I wasn't doing MAP. I didn't know what else to do so I moved back to my hometown- Smith Center, KS to my parents basement. I've been there about a week and have now decided to move to Wichita to be with my sister. I'll move in 4 days. In Wichita I plan to find a temporary job while in search of a more permanent park ranger job. Those are my plans, but BELIEVE ME, I am holding them very loosely. I've seen what happens when you hold too tightly to a plan. God knows. Just as long as he knows, and just as long as I keep seeking him, I think worrying has no place. It gets me nowhere.

Being a park ranger and establishing a career would seem like the wise thing to do, but I can't help but have other things on my mind. Things like:

Missions. Above all I've always wanted to be a missionary. I've had several trips to Africa presented to me in the past few years, and none of them have worked out. I've prayed and begged that God would send me, but through various circumstances the answer has always been "wait!" I've always wanted to serve there. I have no clue what country, but I have always thought I would end up there long term. Maybe soon. Maybe when I'm 50.

Peace Corps. Peace Corps is a pretty sweet deal. I love learning about other cultures, and I love serving people. Of course I would think of the Peace Corps. I no doubt would be doing conservation work, since that was my major. One of my dreams that has been developing over the past 5 years has been teaching people to live sustainably off of the land somewhere in Africa and ministering to them at the same time.

The past couple years I have developed the dream of starting my own Nature Center. I already have enough nature books to start a mini library in a nature center. Perhaps I can do this wherever I end up.

Getting married. Lord, is it about time for that yet?? Perhaps you will bring me someone who loves adventure and exploration like I do. Perhaps.

Sometimes I just want to go live among and befriend the poor in some third world country. The world says they are poor, but Matthew 5 says the poor are blessed in ways the rich never will be. I am rich. Whoever is reading this blog is more than likely rich- if you're an American. The average American is richer than 96% of the world. Think about that for a little bit. There are a lot of hungry people out there. I am blessed with safety and security. I have always had a roof over my head and something to eat. But something in my spirit is becoming incresingly uncomfortable with my luxuries. I feel like I have been blinded by them at times. What would it look like to give everything away and live with the poor? I think it would be freeing, but boy of boy would it bring some hardships.

These are just thoughts.

My life is wide open right now. It's a little daunting to think about, but even more so I think it is exciting. There's not much tying me down other than student loans. So whatever I'm doing, I had better be making some sort of income.

My whole life has been driven by this itch. The itch for adventure. When the reality of new life in Jesus hit me, the itch became greater. I don't seek adventure so that I can go to bed fulfilled, I seek it because God has his beloved children scattered all over this earth. He created them all. I want to meet them, smile and say hello to them, make friends with them, share the gospel with them, and encourage them. There is always something new, more beauty to discover, and more of God's glory to be revealed to the hungry heart. My heart is hungry.

In the meantime I will continue job searching... but all the while I will be praying. God is faithful to answer the ones who love Him. He likes to give good gifts to his children. As of late, I've been wondering how well I know the voice of God. With all of this confusion in my life lately, I feel as though I have missed it or haven't been seeking it enough. Thankgoodness his grace is enough if that is the case. Perhaps this adventursome soul will find adventure her whole life right here in Kansas, OR, perhaps this adventuresome soul will continue her adventure with the people across the world. Or even across the U.S. Whereever God takes me, I pray I will be content.

Any ideas??

Words to Build a Life on

2010-07-26T00:47:00.003-05:00

Jesus is everywhere. He's in everything.

Every time I listen to this song I tear up. It moves me in a big way. You should listen to it!! Go to this link and push play and read the lyrics at the same time.

Mom

2010-07-16T22:58:00.002-05:00

I haven't had the best day. Things haven't gone right, my mood is depressive, and I'm just overall sad. I don't know why, and I know it's not good... because the joy of the Lord should be my strength.

As I was packing my cloths to leave for the Grand Canyon in a couple of days, I was rolling my cloths to put them in my pack... and I had to think of my mom. She taught me how to roll my clothes to make them take up the least amount of room possible. And it made me REALLY miss her.

Then I started thinking about all of the things my mom has taught me, and how perfectly she does all of these things. The imagery I'm getting right now is me as a little kid following my mom around and watching what she does. It's a pretty sweet picture. As I look back at all of the years I have to sit amazed at her patience and love as she guided me into adulthood. Surely it can't be an easy task being a good mother. I have a GOOD mother.

Here are just of the few of the things she has taught me:
How to talk
How to pee in the toilet
How to do funny tricks
How to respect people
How to train dogs (I still suck at it)
How to use the computer
How to live with integrity
How to roll my clothes so they fit better
How to put on pantyhose (still hate it though)
How to use makeup
How to cook
How to stitch
How to plant things
How to be independent
How to iron
Basically she taught me almost everything I needed to know in order to grow up successful.

Sometimes when I have a bad day I want to call a friend or eat ice cream, or watch a movie, you name it. But tonight, I just want my mom.

I leave for the Grand Canyon in two days, and I'm excited. But I am WAY more excited to go camping with my whole family in August.

I miss my family REALLY bad.

Leaders

2010-06-07T23:34:00.003-05:00

This is a list in my training notebook of what a biblical leader looks like.

Leaders take responsibility
Leaders don't blame
Leaders problem solve rather than complain or dwell on the difficulties
leaders take initiative, not wait for someone to ask them to do it
Leaders are "oh boy" people, not "oh no" people
Leaders don't take themselves too seriously
Leaders care about the things God cares about
Leaders are learners, not know-it-alls
Leaders are interdependent
Leaders are indebted to those they lead
Leaders cast vision
Leaders talk about others achievements, not their own
Leaders look for opportunities to affirm others
Leaders know it's a priveledge to lead
Leaders demonstrate love
Leders SERVE
Leaders believe in the discipline of the secret
Leaders pray
Leaders study their bible, not just read it
Leaders play
Leaders love their families
Leaders honor their families
Leaders take care of things
Leaders take care of themselves
Leaders tithe
Leaders go to sleep when they should
Leaders motivate others by love, not fear
Leaders don't try to control or dominate the situation
Leaders fail
Leaders take risks
Leaders ask, "What could I have done differently?" Not "It's not my fault!"

Well, it looks like I have a long ways to go. Jesus, since you're the only one who has done this perfectly, please help me.
But I will take heart because of this promise:
"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Philippians 1:6

Basically what I hear this verse saying is that I will not be perfect until I see Jesus, BUT I will be a lot better leader when I die than I am now, because God is constantly working on my charachter.

This is good news!!

The World Can be A Better Place

2010-05-03T22:10:00.005-05:00

There are so many things I'd like to be in life, but if I had to choose one identity I know what one I'd choose. I'd want to be the encourager.

"Encourage", according to the many definitions I looked up basically boils down to this: to inspire someone with courage, spirit, hope, or confidence to do something.

I think the world needs more encouragement and less negativity. It's amazing what a few encouraging words can do to lift someone up and push them towards great things. It literally only takes one person to say something encouarging to you to change the path of your life.
My friend Ashley said to me one time in 9th grade, "Jenna, you are the most empathetic person I know. I can tell you anything and you will find a way to relate to me and talk me through." Those words gave me confidence. From then on I learned more about empathy and constantly tried to practice it and use it in my relationships. Now my job is mentoring college girls, and I will continue to mentor and counsel people the rest of my life. It all started by someone saying something so simple that they noticed about me.

What about you? Think about your life and the people who encouraged you along the way. Can you think of anyone's words that lit a fire in your life? If so, I think you should take the time right now to thank them for that, and perhaps that would encourage them to keep encouraging people!!

Also, how much do you encourage people? My challenge to you is to say something nice, sincere, and thoughtful to at least 2 people everyday. Not only does this bring much hope, courage, and confidence in their lives, but yours as well. It'll make you feel so good. Making yourself feel good should not be the driving force for encouraging people, but it's just an added bonus that is tacked on. Pretty good deal, eh?

Everyone needs encouraging words. Each persons life is a constant battle. Besides the obvious enemy, the devil, I believe that our biggest battle often times is against ourselves. What goes on inside our heads often times wages war against our souls... and no one knows what's going on on the inside except for you. Your kind words to someone tomorrow could save someone from their skewed self-image and brighten their whole world.

Think about. Do it. It takes very little effort, and produces so much good.

Be Thou my Vision

2010-04-18T15:28:00.001-05:00

Be Thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart
Nought be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light

Be Thou my wisdom, and Thou my true word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me Lord
Thou my great Father and I Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one

Riches I need not, nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and Thou only first in my heart
High king of heaven my treasure Thou art

Be Thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart
Nought be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light

High king of heaven, my victory won
May I reach heaven's joy, bright heaven sun
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall
Still be my vision, oh ruler of all

Still be my vision, oh ruler of all

Pioneers and Settlers

2010-04-05T23:55:00.003-05:00

It's so hard to answer the question, "How are you doing?" For awhile there I would just say "good". But I would only say that because I didn't really know how I was feeling about my life at the moment... not really.

But overall, I would just like to say that I am the best I've ever been. This comes from my confidence that I am exactly where the Lord wants me. And that is good enough for me. There may be some circumstances that make me a bit squeemish, but I wouldn't trade it for the world because God has called me to this exact moment. Living every day knowing that this is the His plan for me makes me feel safe.

So for awhile I didn't know what to say to the question of how are you doing. But here is the honest answer.

BORED.

Where is the excitement in my life, I ask myself. I'm now settled into my job with Ichthus and seem to have things going pretty steady. You'd think that would be good. As a matter of fact, that's what I aimed for. I want to have a steady ministry. The ministries that I've forged (Well, God has forged through me) are going well. The main ministry that I'm referring to is with the Apartment Towers here in Manhattan (If you don't know about this, ask me, I'd love to share). Vision casting is done, sharing the vision is done, welcoming the troops on board is done, the work is being done. Everything I've been striving for is falling into place (praise God!).

So why am I feeling the zeal leaving me, more and more? Even by the minute it seems. I've been beating myself up about it. I've been wondering where my fight and inspiration went. Then there's the other parts of my job besides the stuff at the Towers. I love meeting with girls and walking alongside them with encouragement. But at the end of the day, I'm certainly not feeling pumped up and excited. Why can't I be content with what's on my plate right now?

Three years ago I went to this Leadership training down in Oklahoma City with Bridgeway church. The speaker was Mike Breen. He classified people into two types. The Pioneers, and the Settlers.

The Pioneers are the people who like to start things, particuraly new ministries. They see where God is pointing and they start right in, and they bring others with them. In the bible, many of these people are considered the Apostles and the Prophets. These people generally love adventure. People would probably describe them as pretty outwardly spiritual. Their walk with the Lord looks pretty intimate in a lot of ways, and they seem to be pretty intuned with the voice of the Lord. Not that others aren't just as intuned, but sometime it appears like the pioneers are more because they are so outward in communicating it. People can also, just as fairly say that these people may seem somewhat unstable at times, finicky, easily distracted, uncommited and over-spiritual.
The settlers are the people who like the stability. In the Bible, you see these people as the shepherds or pastors. They are in a certain ministry for the long haul. They settle right in and make deep roots with the people that they are ministering to. People would call them fiercely loyal, wise, committed and unwavering.

With all of that said, I can easily say that I am more of a pioneer than a settler. I do love starting things and brining people with me. But once that's done, I get the itch to bless those who will stay and continue on with that ministry and forge something somewhere else. I think that is what is going on with me right now. I'm bored and ready to do again what I feel like I was made to do.

But like I said earlier, I have a lot of confidence in where I am at right now. Sure, my tendencies to do new things is God-given. But I'm trying real hard not to pull the "Pioneer" card and make that an excuse for my discontendedness for this last six weeks in Manhattan. Because I am here, I should be content. God has plans for my life this next six weeks, and I for one would really not like to be the one to break them. It's so easy to get caught up in the future that you let all of the opportunities right in front of your face pass by. I am guilty of that. I've been doing that the past couple weeks, and IT NEEDS TO STOP!! So there. You all reading this should hold me to that.

Perhaps someday I'll be a settler. It's not like you have to be one or the other your entire life.

Which one are you? A pioneer or a settler? It doesn't even have to relate to ministry.

Mom, if you are reading this, I would just like to say that I think you easily fall under pioneer, much like myself with all of your new and varied interests.

The end of this era is ending, therefore...

2010-03-21T14:26:00.003-05:00

It's that time of year. The time of year when you begin to realize that you have a lot of random food in your cabinets that you have accumulated over the past couple of years. Canned food especially, and stuff in boxes. This time of year is generally brought on by a transition in your life, where you will be moving residences or even towns, maybe even countries in some peoples case.

Alas, I am moving to Kansas City come May, and I don't want to bring ANY food with me, or throw ANY food away. I have 7 weeks left in Manhattan (I am very sad to say), and my goal is not to buy any food during that 7 weeks, with only a few exceptions. And there will be no eating out either (this fun little game is because I'm a bit broke right now as well.) Here are my rules:

1)Food from the store can be purchased if a significant amount of food will be used because of that purchase. i.e. I want to make Chilli out of all of my beans, but I don't have an chilie powder.
2) I can eat out IF someone insists on taking me out OR, I am eating lunch with a gal that I meet with for Ichthus, or if I want to spend quality time with a friend and that is what they want to do, or if I'm out of town and have no choice. In other words, eating out can never be my idea.
3)Food from the store can be purchased if it is my turn to buy it in our roomate roataion (milk, flour, sugar, etc.)

Let the games begin!! Ready, set, go!

Saint Patrick

2010-03-17T09:24:00.003-05:00

This is a reading from the Confession of Patrick- Bishop and Missionary of Ireland, c. 461

I was taken captive to Ireland when I was about sixteen years old, together with many thousands of others. At the time I did not know the true God. There I sought him and there I found him. I am convinced that God protected me from all evil through his Spirit who lives and works in me to this very day.
Therefore I give thanks to my God unceasingly who has kept me faithful in times of trial, so that today I offer sacrifice to him confidently, the living sacrifice of my life to Christ my Lord, who has sustained me in all my difficulties. And so I say, "Who am I, Lord, and what is my calling that you should cooperate with me with such a display of divine power? Today, in the midst of heathen peoples, I exalt and magnify your name in all places, not only when things are going well, but also when I am under pressure."
Whether I recieve good or ill I always render thanks to God who taught me to trust him unreservedly. His answer to my prayer inspired me in these latter days to undertake his holy admirable work- in spite of my ignorance- and to imitate those who, as the Lord had foretold, would preach the gospel to all the nations before the end of the world. We have seen it; it has happened. We are indeed witnesses that the gospel has been preached in remote areas, in places beyong which no one has ventured.
How did I come by this wisdom which was not my own, I who knew neither how my life would unfold nor the wisdom of God? What was the source of the gift I was to receive later in my life, the wonderful and rewarding gift of knowing and loving God, even though it meant leaving my homeland and family?
It was the over-powering grace of God at work in me, and no virtue of my own, which enabled all these things. I came to the Irish heathen to preach the gospel. I have had to endure insults from unbelievers; I have heard my missions ridiculed; I have experienced persecution to the point of imprisonment; I have given up my free-born status for the good of others. Should I be worthy, I am even ready to surrender my life, promptly and gladly, for his name; and it is here in Ireland that I wish to spend my remaining days, if the Lord permits me.
In all of this I am in debt to God who has given me an abundance of grace with the result that through me many people have been born again in God, and later confirmed, and that clergy have been ordained everywhere. All this was for a people newly come to faith whom the Lord has called from the ends of the earth as he foretold through his prophets: "To you nations will come from the ends of the earth and will say, 'How false are our idols which our ancestors made for themselves, and how useless they are.'" And again, "I have made you a light for the nations so that you will bring salvation to the ends of the earth."
-Pg. 95-96 of "Celbrating the Saints, Devotional Readings for Saints' Days"

Reading this brought so much refreshment to me. The more I learn about Saint Patrick, the more I begin to think of him as one of my heros. He puts words to the way I feel about God and to my desire to live my life according to His call on it. He followed the Lord into a scary place, full of crime, poverty and hatred. But there was no other way for him. To not go where the Lord was leading would be unthinkable to Him. People insulted him, thought him crazy. He was a FOOL for Christ. What drove him? The Love of Christ to bring the lost, to inspire and strengthen other believers.

I am becoming a fool for Christ the longer I go on. As I grow in my walk with the Lord, I find the wisdom of the world slipping away. As I take steps in faith (mine have been much smaller than Patricks) the Lord reveals his faithfulness to me. How can I not continue to be faithful in return? There are times that I worry, times that I wonder if my pursuit of ministry makes sense. But the thing that I am confident of is this: that my life is lost in Christ. I will be fine. The more I get the know God, the the more joy and hope I have. Surely that can't be wrong. :)

Requests?

2010-02-21T12:36:00.002-06:00

Since my weekend plans fell through and I was left with no plans, I decided I would take inventory of some things in our house.

Here are just a few examples of some proportions that are unusually large:

In my room alone: 167 books (not that unusual, I suppose)
Between the three of us: 9 jars of peanut butter (how does this happen?)
Sarah: Hundreds of movies and magazines (Literally. I stopped at 200)

I will leave the books and magazines and movies alone. HOWEVER, I will use my 4 jars of peanut butter (yes, 4 of them are mine) to make yummy peanut-buttery things.

With that, I would like to open up the floor to requests for anything peanut butter. I'll make it for you. KC people, you are not off limits because I will be there next weekend. Smith Center people, you are not off limits either, because I will be home sooner than later. And for all you others, well, there is always mail... maybe.

I'm serious, I want to bake something just for you.

Lately

2010-02-15T23:02:00.002-06:00

I find myself wondering-

About the new testament church in Acts-
-was there such a thing as a church "service" for them?
-When they met for church, did they have an agenda? Did they do the same thing week in and week out? Announcements, music, the sermon, bendection, yada yada?
-When they said "church" I wonder what that meant to them? I'm sure church to them couldn't mean the same as church to us.
-I wonder what was the average amount of people in one church.
-I wonder how long they met together during "church" and what they called it.
-I wonder how often they fellowshiped together throughout the week.
-I wonder what it looked like for churches to be born from other churches. How often did that happen? Was every church back then like that?
-What did they doing during church?
-Was there such thing as a pastor?
-Is the new testament church possible in America even today?
-Evangelism? Scriptually, what does that look like?
-Were most of the apostles gifted teachers? Were most of the apostles pastors over a network of churches?
-Do women really have to be quiet during church?
-I wonder if any of Paul's church plants ever failed.

Believe me, I have thought about each one long and hard and have at least some explanation for all of them. But I will never fully be able to answer every question in the way that I would like, because there's simply not enough written in the scriptures to know completely all of the intimate details.

The Church. Oh. My. Goodness.

MY Prediction

2010-01-29T21:44:00.001-06:00

KU-87
KSU-84

Go Hawkies!! Oh how I love you so.

Dust to Dust

2010-01-18T18:52:00.003-06:00

You probably know what this blog is about.

Yesterday afternoon my Aunt Eileen passed away. Great Aunt I should add. She was in her early 70's, so she could have had quite a bit longer. It was sudden, no one saw it coming. Which puts people in momentary shock. I had remained in shock just until about an hour ago until I finally lost it, like I knew I would.

I rushed home as soon as I found out to be at my Grandma's side. My Grandma and Eileen were twins and best friends, had always lived close to each other, literally just down the street in my small hometown. I can only imagine the grief. This is the same Grandma that I have talked about several times, the one who has gone through the ringer in her life with the loss of a triplet sister at birht, younger brother as a child, two husbands, a son, many dear friends, and now her twin sister. They talked every day on the phone, sometimes several times, and often times saw each other every day. They did everything together.

Who was there when her husbands died? Eileen. The hardest thing is hearing my Grandma say, "Oh Jenna, I don't know what I'll do when everyone leaves after the funeral. I'm already so lonely." THIS WRECKS ME, and I don't know what to do about it. I want to go back to Smith Center and live with her, just so she won't have to feel the aching of lonliness.

Now I'm back in Manhattan for a couple days before the funeral, and sitting by myself for the first time since I heard the news. It has given me time to think, take a breath, and most of all, grieve. Now all's I want to do is go back. As I'm sitting here, I am extremely homesick for my family, and the way I love them feels like an ache more than anything right now, because they could leave the same way Eileen did, tomorrow. It breeds anxiety and the temptation to feel hopeless. Amidst it all though, hope lingers.

Just when our family starts to somewhat recover from a death, another person leaves us. This has been the trend for the past 2 years. This many so close together just open up the wounds that haven't been healed from the other deaths, and has been especially hard for my aunt Carla, who lost her husband (my uncle), Woody last year close to this time. As I talked to her about Woody passing last night, I got a beatiful glimpse of his story of peace despite his pain.

Talking to her made me think a lot about death. I came to the realization about how intensly spiritual death is. Birth as well. They both involve our souls. The way that a mother feels for her newborn child, and the way she nutures and cares for it as the days go on. How you grow with your brothers and sisters, your mother and father, aunts and uncles, grandma's and grandpa's... with that special bond that families have. Your love for each other can't be explained away by some scientific equation. No, that kind of love is spiritual, Love is the essence of the Father. The soul crying out at the death of a loved one is spiritual because it's based of love.

Surely Love will sustain us. The author of it will live on, even though we all will fade away.

I was telling my Uncle Chuck last night how glad I was that our life here is only temporary, but our life with our creator is eternal. He quickly agreed, and responded with, "yes, Jen, you're right. We need to remember that more than just in times like these."

I've felt God's love blanket my family the past couple of days. I wish I could describe the feeling. But that is the hope that I was talking about earlier. The lingering hope that trumps any saddness. The hope that will not be defeated. And soon it will rise far above the saddness, and we will continue on, like always.

God, you are sovereign. I hope you are having a good time laughing it up w/ Auntie... she never was too good at keeping a straight face.

"A voice says, 'cry out.' And I said, 'what shall i cry?' All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the LORD blows on them. Surely the people are grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God lives forever."
-For those that believe and follow God, that passage is GOOD news!

2010-01-12T15:19:00.002-06:00

This lady blesses me immensly. Meet my Grandma. Next time I come home she wants me to teach her how to use the internet so she can get facebook. Yeh, my Grandma keeps up with the times.

And she loves me, and the Lord. She's always interested in my life, and always has encouraging things to say. Couldn't ask for a better Grandma.

She's on the back of the Harley. My aunt carla is on the front. :)

Prayer

2010-01-11T00:49:00.002-06:00

I was discussing with a friend today the many dimensions of prayer. We came to the conclusion that neither one of us understand it that well. But I do know it has power. I know this. I do know that prayer is more than just telling your thoughts and requests to God. He will tell His to you as well. I was looking through my prayer journal from 3 years ago and found this entry. It was one of the few times I felt the Lord answering directly every question I asked at that moment. Many of the answers that he gave were reference to scripture. Others were just words. I looked at this entry and I teared up, remembering that sweet moment I had with my God. I'm so glad I wrote it all down as it was happening.

I was feeling troubled this evening. Troubled for one of my dear friends. Then I randomly opened this up. I feel like this prayer dialogue wasn't meant for just me, after reading it tonight. Are you troubled? I'll share our dialogue with you.

Me: How amazing is your love?
Him: More amazing than you, a child from the ground could ever imagine.
Me: How beautiful is your plan for me?
Him: So beautiful that your mind set on earth could not fathom it.
Me: How far will you forgive me, Lord?
Him: As far as the east is from the west, my child.
Me: When will you free me from this burden, Lord?
Him: Child, be still and wait upon me, for I have laid it on you.
Me: Lord, how long must I wait for my love?
Him: Your love has already come, for I am the lover of your soul.
Me: But I feel scared and alone, what bothers my soul?
Him: Fear is from the evil one. You have called upon my name. I am here. I will fight for you.
Me: Lord, can I rest?
Him: Rest your weary soul, for I am holding you in my arms. Fear not, for you are a child of the Living God! And I will deliver you!
Me: Ok. I love you. Thankyou.

Oh my goodness. How loving is our God? I came to him in a moment of weakness, a moment when I felt a little hopeless and confused, and what did he offer me? Nothing but Grace, Love, and acceptance. He knew my heart and why I was torn apart and troubled. Just a little context for ya here... this convo happened when I was in a tizzy about a boy! My reasons were silly. I never should have been in that situation in the first place. I should have know it, and God knew it, and my closest friends knew it as well, haha.

This is me laughing.

But looking back at that dialogue, he didn't reprimand me, he didn't point out my errors! He already knew that I was acutely aware of them.

Instead he said, "I am here. I will fight for you."

He also offered me rest for my weary soul that was tired of fighting. He wasn't looking to punish me. All of the punishment of my sin came upon the man Jesus. He sought me with love, not wrath.

This is the God that we have. This is the God that loves us wether or not we choose to love him back. This is the God who is beckoning you to be in conversation with him.

I know I have some random readers to this blog that I don't even know. I know I have some people who know the Lord and follow Christ with their lives. Perhaps I have some people reading this blog that believe in God, but the relationship with him isn't really there. I would just like to say... if you are that person lacking the intimate relationship with God, your creator, he's inviting you. He always has been. Please, Please, talk to him. We were created so that he could LOVE us, and we could LOVE him. Get to know him. It's worth it. When I got to know him, it changed my life. I saw life through a different pair of eyes after that.

And if you would like to tell me about it, that would be great too :)

Love,
Jenna

The Dog, not the Friend

2010-01-10T22:17:00.006-06:00

My parents... they adore this dog. She is spoiled rotten. They dress her up in all these things, and give into her every whim. As a matter of fact, sometimes I think she is preferred over me, haha! Just kidding. But really...

This is Millie. AKA, my little sister.

Goodbye Wallet

2010-01-02T12:23:00.002-06:00

Awhile ago I wrote a blog that included my lost wallet mishaps. I've left my wallet in six states, and have got it back uncompromised everytime (except for the time I left it in Limon, CO. My cash was gone.)

I was thankful that I got it back each time, and credited it to honest people. Keep in mind though, I said that most people are good and honest.

And alas, my wallet finally fell into the hands of a dishonest person. My wallet is gone forever, into the hands of someone in St. Louis, MO. Yes, it seems like I had it coming. BUT, I would just like to say that my missing wallet is not by my forgetfulness this time. It was stolen, right out of my bag. BLAST!

Well, if by some strange chance, person looking through all my stuff and learning my name through the several ID's I have in there and then looking me up on google and finding my blog.... please do enjoy the 3 dollars in cash, and I'm sorry for cancelling my credit card so quickly that you didn't have time to rack up a bunch of transactions on it, and I really do hope you enjoy my hideous drivers license, and picture. Also, kudos to you for recieving a free lifetime fishing license card. I hope you enjoy the sport of fishing. Oh, and perhaps you like gift cards to places like starbucks and target and other things, Merry Christmas!! The only thing I would ask you not to take is my identity, I would like to keep that if that's alright with you.

And last but not least, I hope you enjoy the deep blue color of the extorior of my wallet, and the crimson letters of KU written on them. It's not everyday someone steals a wallet inscribed with the letters of the 2010 national championship contenders.

Jesus Incarnate

2010-01-02T10:49:00.002-06:00

Urbana 09' was certainly not what I expected it to be, it was better. I've been waiting for it for 3 years... praise Jesus I finally got to go!

The theme of Urbana was "He dwelled among us" in short, Jesus incarnate. There were many speakers, seminars, articles, etc. that inspired me and impacted me, but what impacted me the most was the realization of the person of Jesus.

You would think that as a ministry intern I would "get" the person of Jesus. I'm sure I still don't fully grasp the person of Jesus, but over the past week I have made leaps and bounds in that understanding. I have been searching for it the past year, especially the past month. And it all came to a climax just a few days ago, when the light bursted forth and the flood gates opened... sending me to my knees from the gravity of Jesus's love and sacrafice for me, and just as importantly my neighbors (THE WORLD).

The man Jesus is everything good embodied in one man.

How quick this world got off on the wrong foot. By the time Jesus arrived on earth, it was all a big mess. Borders, boundries, segregation, racism, hate, legalism, SELFISHNESS. Jesus came into this broken world as a Jew, but refused to let his culture and society affect the way in which he lived. He lived a life of no boundaries when it came to loving your neighbor. His neighbors were many, as the man was a traveler. He loved them all. Jews, gentiles, and yes, even the half-breed samaritans! Let me just say, I fully believe Jesus was wholly human. Yes. So when I say he was not affected by it, I'm not saying that he didn't have to make choices to be that way. He made them, and he made them according to the will of his Father. The will of his father is spelled out in 4 letters. L-O-V-E.

What an overwhelming word. Oh goodness. This word intimidates me, and has intimidated me since I started truly following Christ almost 4 year ago (I'm a baby). To agree with being a Christ-follower we need to know Love. The word embodies a lot. As time goes on, I increasingly find myself striving to know more. It's a mess. The word "love" has gathered much baggage throughout the years, throughout the formation of cultures and society. But I'm sick of looking at society's idea of love. Though I do believe society's way of Love includes God, because God created us in it, and we were created in his image. We all "know" love in a way, wether we have Christ or not, because we were made for it, we need it. But without the lense of Christ, it can easily get skewed, and we look for it in the wrong places. You know what kind of places I'm talking about... they are many.

But as a Christ follower I desire not only to know what love is, but to do it like Jesus. Which puts me in quite the perdicament....

As a white, privelaged American, I realize there are many barriers. But I would like to hurdle them. I may not get past the hurdles smoothly. In fact, I can picture myself trying to jump over the hurdle, but then not getting my back leg up high enough during the jump... and catching the hurdle with my foot sending me to the ground, hard. But oh well. Falling is not the point. The point is, that I am past the hurdle, despite the ungraceful, messy attempt.

I don't believe that Love has boundaries. I've always known that. My heart was made for it. Praise Jesus that he made me a softy, one who is naturally compassionate. He made me for a specific purpose. Looking back at the formation of my life with many of my talents, personality, mannerisms, values, etc. they all build up to this life that I have been discovering. In the life that I find true, the one longing that dwells the deepest in the deepest part of my heart, the way of life without boundaries.

And that life is, drum roll please...

INCARNATION.

It makes so much sense to me. It's the only thing in my whole entire life that has ever made so much sense. Jesus lived among the poor, the needy, the broken-hearted, sick, etc. He dwelled with them. Yes, I do acknolwedge that Jesus spent a significant amount of time around people like the pharisees, and synogogues and such. But he did not dwell with them.

I want to love people fully. In order to do that, I will break boundaries, and I will erase borders. I cannot make this decision for other people, but I can for myself. And I will. In order to erase these boundaries, I will have to take a closer look at money, society, politics, and all of this business. Actually, I have looked at each of those quite extensively and have always come to the same conclusion: It's all rubbish.

Perhaps you are thinking to yourself now, "alright, Jenna. You can talk about all of this stuff, and say you believe it all you want... but show me your faith by actions, then I will believe you." Ok, you're probably not thinking that, but I am. Works without faith is dead. Faith without works is dead.

Ok. There is nothing at this point that I desire more than to live incarnate among the poor and down-trodden. No, this is not a mission-conference high. This is what my heart has been looking for, for forever. I've never felt so at home. I will feel even more at home once I get to the community in which God wants me to dwell in. I'll live there, and I'll say no the the lines in which society, nay, the devil has created in order to declare peace and healing and unity among God's dearly-loved creation.

It's sound, it's biblical, it's true, it's Jesus in me, and I say AMEN.

I don't for sure know what this will look like, although I have a pretty good idea. The people that were in the forefront of my head wouldn't leave the whole time at Urbana. Which I think is a pretty good indicator of what I should pursue. We'll see. If God wills it, it will fall into place.

In Christ Alone

2010-01-01T20:32:00.002-06:00

Song of my Heart

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

I will stand, I will stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground
Is sinking sand

So I'll stand!

Why So Serious?

2009-12-26T00:04:00.002-06:00

In church this Sunday I heard a good message about Joy. It contained many sub points, but alas, I shall expound upon but one.
He talked about not taking ourselves so seriously. AMEN!! I happen to know I take myself waaaaay too seriously. Seriously!!!
He quoted some words from a Monk who lived in Nebraska… his name is escaping me. Basically this Monk wrote about what he would do with his life if he were able to do it again. Things like smelling the daisies, eating ice cream instead of beans, yada yada.
Well if I were to die tomorrow, which I wouldn’t be completely opposed to (heaven is better, yes?), here is my “if I could do it over” list.

-I wouldn’t keep my heart for the ministry in the closet to those who knew me before I started following Jesus with my life.
-I would have exercised more.
-I would have told more people about Jesus who saves.
-I would have made payments on a nice piano.
-I wouldn’t have quit taking piano lessons from the coolest concert pianist who ever lived.
-I would not stress myself out about stupid things that matter not, in eternity.
-I would try more authentic, international foods.
-I would make more international friends instead of saying “I don’t have time to invest.” BAH!!
-I would have went on that mission trip to Africa last Christmas break.
-I would take hours upon hours to read books that could have helped in my spiritual formation (In order to do this I would limit facebook to only 5 minutes a day, and other things that waste time like that.)
-I wouldn’t have been so mean to my mom in Junior High.
-I would have worn whatever the heck I wanted to, which would be hunting camo and boots at least 3 days a week.
-I would wear more dresses.
-I would have went fishing in the dark whenever I wanted to instead of being scared, and listening to other people telling me not to.
-I would let my heart be sorrowful (Like God the Father’s) for starving children instead of numbing my heart to ease the pain.
-I’d go to more KU basketball games
-I would curl my hair more.
-I’d camp in my backyard 2 times a week all year (even when it was cold).
-I would lay in the prairie for hours at a time and not feel like I was wasting time.
- I'd let people know me more.

And the list goes on.

But the cool thing is, I’m NOT DEAD!! I could still do a lot of these things. Like the starving children, camping in my back yard, curling my hair, KU basketball games, etc. Maybe I should start now.

Maybe you should too.

Let’s not take ourselves too seriously, people. Let’s not put too much importance on ourselves. God will use us, if we will acknowledge him and submit to him. But he does not NEED us. He can and will do anything he wants. He doesn’t need anyone. But he is delighted to use us, and he chooses to use us. We were created so that God could love us and so that we could love him. I am convinced that in order to live fully, we need only to offer up all that we are, and all that we have, out of Love for God. Shouldn’t that be enough? I think so, and the rest will fall into place and God will watch adoringly as we live out our lives in the uniqueness that he lavished on each of us.

Days of Grace

2009-12-11T22:12:00.002-06:00

We live in days of grace.

We live in days of unmerrited favor. As Christ followers, let us be aware of that. Wether you are having a good day, or a bad day, remember that it is a day of grace.

Every moment you live, you have been given. Should every moment not be lived for the one who bestowed grace?

As I wake up in the morning and start the day, may I know that I will walk out in grace.
As I answer the phone for the 20th time today just to hear more bad news... may I know that I am walking in grace.
As I watch those I love and cherish grow in the knowledge of the Living God, I am walking in grace.
As I watch those I love and cherish consistently abuse and reject the grace of the living God, I am STILL walking in Grace.

My oh my.

I'm glad that I know that I walk in grace.

Lately I've been deciding what on earth to do with this life of mine. Ministry is the name of the game that I have chosen. But where I fit into ministry, I Do. Not. Know. That's ok though. I do know that I am walking with the Lord right now, my hand is to his, which means I will know soon enough.

In deciding though, I would like to keep in mind these certain things that make me tick.
-Apostolic ministry- This is listed number one for a reason. This involves the church... the true-blue, authentic, new-testament church. I want to see the church reproduce and spread, like an epidemic.
-Community- This goes right along with the apostolic ministry. I want to do church on a daily basis with people of like-mindedness. Live together, eat together, rejoice together, suffer together, advance together, PRAY together, minister together, send together. I want to live and breath the kingdom of God with other "apostles" EVERY DAY.
-Learning I want to be taught. I have learned a lot of valuable things from various people in my life about ministry and the church. I have never been discipled, but I really want to be.

Those are things that would be ideal in my mind. My heart definately gravitates towards them. Who knows though, perhaps he'll lead me down a completely opposite path before I get to that.

I, for one, cannot wait to see what he has in store next in these days of grace under the sun.

Psalm 51

2009-11-19T00:55:00.001-06:00

Psalm 51
For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts [a] ;
you teach [b] me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are [c] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

breaking down

2009-11-18T23:45:00.002-06:00

This year more than ever I have recognized my inadequecies.
The Lord is using this season of my life to prune me. I believe that his goal this year is to create in me a humble and contrite heart.

How little of my immense pride had I recognized! Apparently I had so much of it that without it my life looks very different. And that is new and scary to me. Just when I think he is done refining me, one last ounce of pride, it seems, is pulled out of me. There is always more to remove.

He's brought me to a pretty low place. A place low enough that I can either give up (which I'm not going to lie is something that I ponder daily) or let him fill me back up with what is good. There is a lot of empty space that needs to be filled right now. Pride that has been taken away has left a huge emmpty space. The space is very uncomfortable. I've been facing a lot of guilt and condemnation. It's easy for me to take the Lord's discipline and make it into something that he never intended it to be. I don't think he intended me to feel the way I do. I feel pretty helpless and worthless at this point because every time I turn around I am finding myself being brought even lower in humility. I find myself believing that I, in all of my wretchedness, have nothing of value to offer.

But praise the Lord that he disciplines those that he calls his children. Praise Him that the God, creator of heaven and earth dwells within me and cares to refine me.

Scripture says that we are nothing apart from Christ. I've always agreed.

But never have I felt it.

Until lately.

Jesus, I know I'm nothing without you. Praise, glory, and honor be to you, Lord of hosts. Continue your work in me, however painful that may be, that I may be cleansed of all unrighteousness and washed clean by the blood you have shed for me. Finish the work you have started in me, I dare say this season has probably just began. Thankyou for your grace. Teach me your ways.

Creat in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with your free spirit. Then I will teach trangressors your ways and they will turn back to you.
-Psalm 51

Nap Time

2009-11-02T17:30:00.002-06:00

Today I found the quickest way to get a preschool girl to sleep. It worked on her. I'm pretty sure it will work on them all.

I had been sitting with Laynie a long time to get her to fall asleep during naptime.

She was gazing up at me for a long time, then

Laynie: Ms. Jenna?
Me: Yes?
Laynie: What happens when I fall asleep?
Me: Pretty little fairies come and twirl and dance around your head.
Laynie: *looks at me with wide, enchanted eyes.*
Me: The sooner you get to sleep, the sooner the fairies will come.
Laynie: Rolls over and closes her eyes. Four minutes and she was out.

YES!!

I bet she dreamt about fairies.

Heaven

2009-11-01T21:39:00.004-06:00

Time for a moment of honesty.

I used to not think about heaven very much at all. Like I said in my last post, my life has been pretty sheltered up until the last couple of years.

The harder things get, the more I think about heaven.

No, I don't want to die. Goodness no! But I do think that when I die, I certainly won't be too sad about it.

No more hard things. Any of the littlest and bigest bad things you can think of will be non-existent there. So let's be honest, that sounds pretty nice. I'm really looking forward to it.

I've been thinking about heaven a lot the last couple of weeks. A lot. It gives me hope. :)

"Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. we are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it."
-2 Corinthians 5:6-9

Life and Love

2009-10-25T14:17:00.003-05:00

Life. Is. Hard.

I have lived a relatively sheltered life.

I never had a serious relationship in highschool, or college, which means I've never broken up with anyone...or been broken up with. But I do know what it's like to have my heart broke by someone.

I never really got into the party scene... and all of the unneccessary drama that goes with that. But I have felt what it does to the people I love and care very deeply about. Friends, family.

I've never been to jail. I suppose it only takes one irrational decision. But I have mourned over friends who end up there.

I have never been seriously injured.

I have never had a parent or sibling die.

I have never gone hungry.

I have never been abused.

I have never been homeless.

I have no disabilities.

The list goes on....

There are a lot of people very close to me that I could use for an example here, but I will just choose one. Take my Grandma, for instance. Her triplet sister didn't even get to experience life, she died at birth... or before? Her brother died in a car accident as a little kid. Her husband died and she was left with 4 kids to raise. In direct result of her husband dying, her eldest sone died. Not too long ago her second husband died (the one I call grandpa). She's been to numerous other funerals of relatives. Open heart surgery. Her hearing has been a problem for many years. She's uncomfortable at social gatherings b/c she can't fully participate in conversation because she can't hear well. The sorrow in her life has seemed to be relentless. For her whole gosh darn life she has been taking care of people. Consistently. Loving with a whole heart... and from some of the stories I've heard, with TOUGH LOVE. But none the less, loving. People close to her have harmed her and taken her love for granted. But she still loves them. She is probably the least bitter person I know.

Loving amidst the saddness. She's got it.

Where can a love like that come from? How does someone recover from such tragedy?

Wether we acknowledge where Love comes from or not, it still comes from only one place. Wether we want to acknowledge it or not, doesn't change the fact that it came from God. God the Father. He is the creator of love. HE IS LOVE!!

Love didn't evolve. It didn't didn't appear out of the air. Love is multi-faceted. Romantic love, God Love, General Love of people. But genuine love of different varieties are the same thing when it comes right down to it. It's an expression that cannot be fully explained... oh, how I've tried. Ask people who are in love. From what I hear it is the most irrational thing ever. But it's true. Love is true. Scientist can "prove" many things. But love, no. Not a chance. Not that we can't understand things about love, because we do. But to fully grasp it, well... I have yet to see it.

We tried to define it in one of my lifegroups the other night, and our defination was found wanting, to say the least.

The closest we can get to understanding it is in the scriptures.

Deuteronomy 6:5
1 Chron 16
Job 10:12
Psalm 13:5
Psalm 26:3
Psalm 31:7
Psalm 59:16
Isaiah 54:10
Lamentations 3:22
Hosea 11:4
And a lot more.

Those verses are the ones that stick out to me the most. You should look them up.

I suppose I got off topic there for awhile. I was going to talk about life being hard, but it turned into love.

Love trumps hardships.

Take heart my friends who are facing many trials, for He has overcome the world.

To be continued...

Forgetfulness

2009-10-17T08:34:00.003-05:00

I am one of the most forgetful people in the world.

Actually, I don't know if forgetful is the right word.

*A moment of thought.*

Ah, yes. Absentminded would be far more correct. I remember a lot of things incredibly well. In fact, I think I have superior remembering skills when it comes to things such as faces, random situations, schedules... social things.

Once again my absentmindedness has shot me in the foot. I left my bag in my hometown. My bag is like a womens purse except worse. It has all the things a purse would have in it but more. In this bag contains my journal, my hairbrush, my ichthus journal, my PLANNER, my remaining two bibles (I absentmindedly left my favorite bible in OKC, now I am missing 3 bibles), car tag information, student loan important stuff, money... and much much more.

Although, I do have my wallet because I absentmindedly left it in the front seat of my car instead of putting it back in my bag where it belongs.

But my wallet is generally what I lose the most. Here are just some places where I have absentmindedly left my wallet, and GOT IT BACK! Because most people are good and honest.

-Cheyenee Wells, Co
-Limon, CO
-Burlington, MO
-Kearney, NE
-Gillette, WY
-Indianapolis, IN
-and far more numerous places in Kansas

I'm not even kidding about all of those locations.

It's a good thing that I rarely stress. Because losing your wallet is stressful. And leaving your bag somewhere with a lot of important things should be a little stressful as well. But with my laid back personality I just roll with it. Perhaps if I weren't so laid back I would be able to kick this vice. Perhaps my laidbackness is the reason for this vice.

I know it's not good to be absentminded. I don't mean to be. I kick myself everytime I leave my wallet in a different state, and tell myself I'm going to do better. It's not like I am purposely doing it, like a willful sin. Perhaps that is why it's so hard to change, because it's the way I've been since the beginning.

My mother can attest for this. She could probably tell the story a lot better than I can. But it goes something like this:

I was probably about 5. My parents pulled up in the car after they had been gone awhile. Apparently they had told me to do something while they were gone. So they rolled down the window and asked me if I had done it. And of course I hadn't. Not willfully, but because I forgot. And they asked why. And I responded by putting my hands on my hips and said,

"I forgot. How can that be my fault?"

At the age of 5 that was seriously my excuse. I didn't say it to be funny, even though they still laugh about it today. But even at the age of 5 I rationalized my forgetfulness as not my fault.

Perhaps the root of the problem is that deeply embedded mentality.

Quit accepting it as uncontrollable.

Perhaps.

The Basics

2009-10-15T07:26:00.004-05:00

The reason I haven't been blogging isn't because I don't have anything to blog about. I don't blog because I have too much to blog about. Right now, I have about 10 big things going on that are worthy of publishing.
I also haven't been blogging because it takes time. I'm not a fast writer. If I were going to sit down and write one it would probably take me about an hour, honestly.
I also have problems carrying my thoughts to completion. To think about something that in depth takes too long. And I am impatient.

So to remedy those big 10 things going on that I could write about, they are pretty much summed up in these words that come from the scriptures.

"I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it."
-John 14:11-14

"Love the Lord your God with all you heart, and all your soul and all your strength."
-Deuteronomy 6:5

"Then Jesus said to his disciples. 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoeer loses his life for me will find it.'"
-Matthew 16:24-25

Those verses seem pretty basic. They are the ones that pretty much every Christian knows. The power verses. The John 3:16 verses. I feel like these words are often glossed over because they have been used as the verses that identify the Christian Faith... but let us not forget why.
Look what they say! The words are powerful and full of weight and sacrafice. If you take every single word to heart and try to form your life to their likeness, I assure you, transformation will take place.

Transformation has probably been the theme of my life as of late.

Back to the basics. Simplicity is golden when fully embraced.

Hunting Season! WHAH!!!

2009-09-30T15:59:00.003-05:00

Hunting season is upon us folks!! That's right. It all starts with dove season, then on to upland birds, turkey, deer, waterfowl. Yes indeed.

I went scouting yesterday clear up on Shannon Creek Road. Beautiful place. If you want to see pictures of this particular area, you can find them in an album on facebook called hiking/scouting.

I took my roomies dog, Kala with me. She was a riot to watch as I was teaching her how to retrieve from the water. Working with dogs is something that I miss immensly. Once I have a place of my own I am going to raise and train the most amazing hunting partner ever.

Some may not see the point in hunting, fair enough. But I'd like to tell you why I hunt.

1) It takes skill. Sure, if you want to be a cheating hunter (there are lots of ways to do it) it doesn't take much skill. But if you want to give the animal a fair chance, it takes skill to make a kill.

2) You never know what you're going to see. You're sitting in the woods, then out of the fog comes the monster buck you've been waiting for your entire life. It's the thrill of anticipation.

3)If you find a good hunting partner (person or dog)practically nothing on the worldly level can bring you closer, I am convinced.

4) Being in nature is beautiful. Being in your position before sunrise and watching the quiet world wake up does something for the soul that is inexpressable.

5) It makes you feel like a Native American :) haha.

6) The food you get is organic.

7) It's adventurous.

I could go on.

I have yet to learn the skill of bowhunting. But I REALLY WANT TO!! It takes a lot of practice time, and a lot of start up $$. A bow is on my wishlist.

Fishing season, on the other hand is ALWAYS upon us. Hunting is a very enjoable hobby for me. Fishing is a passion. My parents and I went camping this weekend, and my dad and I did a lot of fishing.

The month of October I am always participating. The walleye bite really good during that month.

Happy Hunting!

Friendliness

2009-09-27T16:29:00.005-05:00

How friendly would you say you are? I would say I'm pretty friendly. To a fault, actually. Looking back, or into a few situations, I realize that perhaps my friendliness has created some issues for me. I took this personality test that even tells me so. It is as stated:

"Selfish people might be embarrassed by you. While they're using their time and energy almost exclusively on themselves, they see you giving time to others, and your kindness puts them in a bad light.

Maybe they'll think you're a phony, that you use your altruism to get others indebted to you so they'll then owe you a favor. Or perhaps they'll accuse you, directly or behind your back, of focusing on the needs of others so no one ever focuses on your foibles or your genuine wounds.

Perhaps it's true to some extent that you are more comfortable when the focus is on someone else's needs than when you and your needs are front and center, and this may be a criticism worth paying attention to."
Don't worry, this personality profile said a bunch of bad stuff about me to. For example: I am indecisive, indulgent and uncomitted, and dangerously spontaneous, commonly unpredictable and overly emotional. Whew. I'm sure you gathered much of that already. Oh, and just so you know... I don't rely on personality tests to gauge who I really am. It was one of those things I did when I was bored.

But back to friendliness. Despite what this profile says might be some potential problems with my friendliness, I have observed some other issues it causes me that I think hold more cause for concern.

Because of my nature to be friendly and genuinely kind, I find it odd and troubling when others are not... or I should probably say, "appear not to be." I've realised that because of the way I am, I perhaps have this skewed perception of how others feel about me. If I'm not greeted with a smile, or a "hello" I may assume that the other person is mad or annoyed with me, or could generally care less about me. This is because if I were to not say hello or smile I would be thinking one or all of the above stated things. Is this stupid? Does anyone else have problems with things like this? With you it may not be this particular issue. Is there anything about you that affects the way you think others see you or treat you? I'm curious to know.

I thinks it's a an insecurity of mine, actually.

I don't deal that well with sarcasm either. Well, I deal really well with kindly sarcasm. I participate in it quite reguraly, actually. But unkindly sarcasm always gets the best of me. Simply because I think that unkindly sarcasm has something backing it that isn't "just kidding." I view unkindly sarcasm as a cop out to passively let someone know that you are unsatisfied with them. Ick. I would rather someone say exactly what it is the bothers them about you then kill you with sarcasm. Or perhaps that is yet another insecurity of mine.

Ok back to friendliness. I don't think my friendliness/kindness is a bad thing. I KNOW it's a good thing. It's a divine gift given from the Lord. The Lord gifts everyone is such unique ways. It makes my heart warm just thinking about the ways that he gifts everyone differently.

Mercy has been a gift that I have been asking for a larger proportion of. You'd think that I'd have a ton of mercy, seemings how I have kindness. But I am convinced they are two very different yet very simliar gifts. The way I see mercy is this: compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person despite whether they deserve it; Just as God shows mercy on the sinner. We certainly don't deserve His mercies.

The Lord has gifted me with kindness, but I really would like a heavy dose of mercy to compliment kindness. I feel like my kindness is smashed when I find it hard to be merciful to those who don't appear to be kind back.

My feelings of resentment to those who haven't appeared to be kind (past, present and future) is something that I am trying to give up to the Lord, but I have found it to be quite a challenge. Sometimes I fall into the habit of trying to change my tendancy to be kind because it brings me pain. So I'll fight or snap back. Then I'll just feel absolutely awful about it. Of course I would, it's my God-given conscience. God never promised that living (or in my case, trying to live) holy would be painless. In fact, He, and many others that are quite reliable (Paul) said that it would be quite the opposite.

Things standing in my way with turning this over: Fear, PRIDE, and a million other things about my sinful nature. I feel like it's going to take a miracle to give it up. Thank goodness my God is a God the delights in miracles. :)

Summer Recap

2009-09-04T22:32:00.002-05:00

Haha I bet my title fooled you.

I feel as though this blog should be devoted to my return home, what I learned over the summer, stuff I did over the summer, how I grew (or didn't) over the summer... yada yada bleh!

Perhaps I don't want to write about that b/c I am left slightly confused about the summer, and where I fit now. Writing about that would require too much thinking.

But I do feel the desire to enter back into the blogging world that I have been absent from since July... or June, I don't know. So below is some things that I have done in the 1 1/2 days that I have been back in Kansas, and some things that I plan to do in the next couple of days.

I arrived in Manhattan to Jo walking out the door to go to clincical (dagnabit!), unloaded all of my stuff from the camper and threw it in my room, and that is where it remains. Then I went to Ichthus and experienced major culture shock. I lived in the woods all summer except for when I was at work where I interacted with hundreds of visitors every day that I didn't know... so I wouldn't really call that being social.

Caught up with my other roomie sarah over her supper break from work. Then I hung out with Cassidy... and we were bums b/c we were both exhausted.

Then I came home and talked to Jo on the front porch, then I talked to Jo in the house, then fell asleep to a Disney movie (Peter Pan.)

The next morning I traveled home to Smith Center. All day I have been deep cleaning the camper. It's almost done. Then I did chores with my dad. We picked about 200 tomatoes from the garden and didn't even get close to getting all the ripe ones picked!

This next story will give you an idea of what my dad and I do for fun.

My mom is a dog groomer and goat rancher. Right now she has about 60 goats. They're really loud and annoying. The garden is about 100 feet across the yard from the goat pen. The tomatoes that were bug damaged or otherwise damaged we heaved into the goat pens clear across the yard to try to hit the goats. It was hilarious! I never actually got a direct hit, although every once in awhile one would bounce off of the ground and then hit the goat. They didn't know where the tomatoes were coming from. It would splat on the ground right next to them and they would hop about 4 feet in the air and take off running. It was pretty entertaining.

Then my dad and I went into town to his machine shed (where he keeps farm equipment)
as well as one of his 4 deep freezes to pick up some meat for me to take back to Manhattan. It's nice coming from a farm because all of the meat I eat is organic :)

Then dad and I decided that we are going to go fishing all day on Sunday.

Then I made plans to come back home next weekend to pick wild plums with my dad and make jam with my grandma and mom. We're also going to make spaghetti sauce, salsa, diced tomatoes, tomatoe paste, etc. and can a lot of it for the winter. Yay!

Then I freaked out about what I was wearing to my cousins wedding which is tomorrow... eek.

That's pretty much it.

Oh! Also, I met the new puppy my mom got today. He is a pastoral dog... which means he stays with the goats out at pasture instead of staying around the house. Picture coming soon.

I feel like that was simply a lot of rambling of nothing significant. Kudos if you have read this far!! Once my mind recuperates (spelling?) I'll write about something more.... intellectual.

Yours truly, J. Dub

P.S. I would just like to say that I told everyone that I was going to write letters this summer, and I did not. I'm sorry.

Straight to you from Indiana

2009-06-16T08:44:00.003-05:00

Hey Hey. I told myself I would check my e-mail and write a blog once a week, at least, and I kept that up for awhile. But things have started to slip, and now it has been three weeks since I have accessed the internet. I REALLY like it. But I also REALLY like reading about everyone's life, which is the reason I decided to check my mail/get on blogger. After reading about 50 blogs that were written over the last three weeks, I was kind of overwhelmed. But at least I know what's going on with you kind of, depending on how much you write in your blog.

I also told myself that I was going to write letters this summer. But have I? No. I have written 4, but they never got in the mail. I told myself it was because I didn't have my P.O. Box number yet. But that is stupid, it doesn't take a P.O. Box number to send a letter. But I am going to.

For those of you who want to send me mail, my address is coming soon.

Back to Technology. I love being away from it. I check my my e-mail and write a blog every once in awhile, since I don't have access to the internet. I have a very outdated cellphone (that only gets reception when I drive 20 minutes to town), I use microsoft word at the office to write my program planning pages, and that's about it. Oh, I use the phone at the office for work stuff. Sure, there are other technologies that affect me day to day, but most direct are the ones I just mentioned. It's great. I am still getting settled into this, "just God and I" thing that this summer is suppose to be. Here I am resisting technology is the midst of a revolution. The technological revolution. Many times I have wondered what it would be like to be living during the time when the industrial revolution was in full steam. It just hit me. You're in the middle of the technological revolution! I don't hate technology. I'm just saying that this summer is a nice break, and I'm embracing it.

When I very first got here, I kept telling myself that I was going to be disciplined. I was going to do a study every day, pray extensively and yada yada. I was aware coming into this summer that when I get away from community I am less disciplined (the story of my life every summer). But it was so hard! Every day I work about 4 hours overtime (and don't get paid for it- joys of working for the state), and then when I come home (to my hot camper) the last thing I want to do is read because my brain hurts. Then I would beat myself up, constantly, because I wasn't being enthusiastic about being "disciplined." So I quit trying. To me, that was giving up. I felt like I knew I was taking the easy way out, but didn't care. So instead of doing what I felt I should be doing, I started going hiking every evening. I LOVE HIKING!!! There is SO MUCH to FIND in the area that I'm working. The beauty and diversity of God's living creatures is IMENSE here! Most evenings (the ones that I don't work) I find myself in the woods and ravines and streambeds- examining what is around me. Identifying everything that I see. I'd go on a 1 mile trail, and come out four hours later just because I would stop every ten feet to look at every crack in the canyon wall, every different kind of leaf structure, every bend in the creek, every flowering plant. I'll also just sit and listen to water trickling deep inside the creekbed, listening for the different birds (birds found deep in the woods are different than birds you'll find on the edge of the woods, etc.) Nothing about nature goes unnoticed to the Naturalist (my job title)- at least not purposefully. Everything fits, everything has a purpose. Ecology is one of the most fascinating things to me.

I'd come back from my hike refreshed, excited, bubbling. It's at this time that I am open to receiving the Word. It's no longer a task, something that must be completed. The word is then, once again, another gift of refreshment that the good Lord gives. My heart is then turned towards ministry. The Love of the Christ overwhelms me, and I am anxious for the harvest. I find Him out there. I wish I could describe it. He's everywhere, but when I'm in the wild, I am able to see more clearly. Maybe someday I'll be able to explain it better.

Other News:
1) I miss home.
2) My roommate got a puppy! Too bad it won't be as cute when I get home in September.
3) My sister and I are going tubing down the river tomorrow!
4) My water pump broke again in my camper, and I can't fix it. Electricity works when I turn the generator on, but something broke with that too (and I can't fix it) so now there will never be any electricity.
5) My boss made me a supervisor. I don't enjoy it. You have to consistently tell people what to do, let them know when they are not doing a sufficient job. Who makes a temporary employee a supervisor!!? I don't even get paid more.
6) My newest obsessive interest is insects. Perhaps I have already told you this. I'm not reading through my recent blogs to find out. I collect them, especially moths.
7) Trees have been an obsessive interest of mine for the past couple of years now. But it has gotten worse.
8) My tomatoe plants are growing SO BIG!!
9) The Lord has been gracious. That's not recent, that's been steady through the ages.

I feel as though I have violated an unsaid blogging rule in this post. Generally, a blog is about a topic, not 6 or 7 topics. Forgive me.

You should write me

2009-05-28T12:17:00.005-05:00

Hi!

Here is my address:

Jenna Wilson
P.O. Box 263
Waveland, IN 47989

Love,
Jenna

2009-05-28T12:17:00.004-05:00

I'm sure God has multiple purposes that I have yet to discover about my time here this summer, but I will tell you yet another one that I am feeling quite sharply as of late.

Appreciation for the the written Word, and the fellowship of believers.
I was kind of under the assumption before I left Manhattan to come to Indiana, that it would be a pretty laid back summer, a break from the craziness.

Craziness? What craziness? Compared to the craziness in my workplace, my idea of craziness has changed. I'm not going to complain about my job. I LOVE my job. It's stressful, yes, but oh how rewarding it is! Revealing to people the wonders of nature is something that I will surely never tire of. I could live w/out the river rescues and the 95% or ABOVE humidity every single day though.

This is how the humidity is here, people. If I leave paper out on the counter, it is damp in just an hour. My hair does not dry unless I drive down the highway with the windows open for at least 20 minutes in the heat (can't blow-dry w/out electricity). The 20 minute wind-dried hair is perfect, because that's how long it takes me to drive to work every morning.

I have gotten off topic. I miss the fellowship of believers, and everything else that goes along with Christian living. My schedule is not conducive to any church schedule, no Christian radio stations come in around here, and I live in the woods with no steady community what-so-ever. I'm visiting my sister in Indy. I find myself looking out the window at the kids playing street hockey, and neighbors conversing with each other... etc. Seeing that makes me feel a certain way, I can't quite describe it. But it's a good feeling, I know that. It makes me miss the community in Manhattan.

I get SO excited to spend time in the Word. With 12 hour work days you pretty much work and sleep. But on my days off, I spend a lot of time in the word and it makes my world SO much better. It assures me of my calling. While I feel my hands tied with work momentarily (next 2 months) I am absolutely ENTHROLLED with the idea of coming back to hit the ground running with what I am most passionate about- even above nature :)

Marriage?

2009-05-28T12:17:00.003-05:00

I have the tendancy to complicate things. I think this culture has the tendancy to complicate things. I have a lot of thought behind that (our culture complicating things), but that is beside the topic of this post.

I watched this movie last night, I can't remember what it was called- horrible memory for those kinds of things. But anyways, it had Sarah Jessica Parker, Luke Wilson and Diane Keaton... and a number of other good actors, but I don't remember their names. But anyways, it was a love story. A kind of messed up one, but quite beautiful in an odd way.

After watching the movie, my mind got started on the idea of marriage. This summer my actual job title is an "Interpretive Naturalist Park Ranger." I connect people the resources of the park, and also interpret the History of the park, the various landmarks, how they got there, etc. There is this one old house on the property of Turkey Run that I lead tours through. The family that once lived there helped preserve the beautiful land of Turkey Run and protected it from the timber harvesters... resulting in some of the most beatiful preserved virgin timber in the United States. Anyways, I've read hours upon hours about this family. The family was the Family of Salmon Lusk, a pioneer that headed west from Virginia who made their home in Indiana, becoming one of the first prosperous and advancing pioneers in Indiana History. After Salmon and his wife Mary died, and all of their children moved away, they turned their estate over to their son, John Lusk- who was interesting to say the least. I won't even begin to talk about him.

Ok, here's what I actually wanted to write about. When I was reading about John, I came to a specific section about "courting." Back in those days, a young man decided that he wanted a wife, and by-golly, he went out and got him one. John had what he called, and what many other had as well, a "courting buggy." A buggy with the specific purpose of going into town to "go a courtin." Often times, if a man was lucky, he'd come back from town, back to his homestead with a wife. Easy as that I say... easy as that. Now John Lusk was a Christian man, obviously blessed by the Lord. The process of marrying was just another step in life. Sure, marriage was a serious thing, but from what I have read about the pioneers, it wasn't something that they put a lot of prayer and angst into. They came of age, and got hitched. That's how our country was founded in that specific area of marriage.

Let's fast-foward 100 years. Now it's all about waiting on the Lord for him to bring that special person to you. Being patient. waiting for "the one." That phrase, "the one" makes me cringe. Always has. Yuck. That's beside the point I suppose. The Lord blessed the pioneers way of deciding who they were going to marry. The Lord certainly is unchanging, surely he would bless that today. But our culture has definately changed, for obvious reasons... largely because of the industrial revolution. The industrial revolution soon to be left in the dust by the begining of the "technilogical revolution." Leading to more complication. My dream of the simple idea of love growing with the one whom you marry is squelched more and more as the days go on. The divorce rate in the U.S., I'm pretty sure, has risen above 50%... surely we went the wrong direction. Let's just go back. Not a chance, I know.

Take India, for example. They still operate in many places by the tradition of arranged marriages. And they work quite well. Look at the divorce rate there. Matriomony is serious business there, folks. Sure, some arranged marriages never work, but from the readings I've studied, and the Indians that I have talked to that had an arranged marriage, it generally works GREAT. Love grows, and sooner than later, the people are devoted to one another. Granted, Indiana is far from predominately Christian, but in the realm of marriage, I'd say that are a lot more stable and "wise."

What if I meet someone and decided to marry them w/ in a short month. That's certainly not the trend. What if I begin contact with some Christian guy from across the world by letter (how that would happen, I don't know) and then decided to get married w/ out ever meeting. Some people call that radical, but I would have to disagree. I call that simple. Ahhh, simplicity. So i meet someone from across the world and decide to get married. Would God bless that? I bet he would. Of course I would pray about it. But the first thing I would pray for is Faith. Not "is this guy right?" Yeh, I'd pray for faith first... if you'd like to know why, ask me. I don't have time to type that all out right now.

I pray for simplicity like that in my marriage engagement, if ever that would be so... being married.

But enough about that.

Some things aren't working in my camper. I have now turned into miss fix-it. It's pretty fun. I've always held the opinion that I sucked at fixing things. But really, since the only person I have to fix things is myself, my recent opinion has proved otherwise. Yep. Yesterday I fixed my generator. The day before that I fixed my water pump (although it is now broke again), and the day before that I worked on my car. The things I am learning here are more than valuable!!!

See ya next week!!

Excitement is back!

2009-05-08T20:46:00.003-05:00

Here's some dialogue that I find quite amusing.

Last weekend mom, dad, and I were watching the Celtics game.
Me: Whoah, that guy has some bling in his ear (one of the coaches).
Dad: looking confused "Bling? What's bling?"
Me: I looked at him, then looked away thinking that he was kidding, then realized he wasn't. "You don't know what bling is?!"
Dad: No. Tell me what bling is!!
Me: chuckling "Ma, do you know what bling is?"
Mom: Looking a little sheepish "no."
Me: Right out laughter "Who doesn't know what bling is!?!!!"
Dad: "What is it!?!"
Me: I explained what bling is "Also known as 'bling-bling'"
Dad: "He's got some bling-bling!!"
Me: Dying of laughter
Mom: Smiling, only slightly amused

Tonight as the three of us were sitting in a hotel room watching another Celtics game.
Dad: "Does he have bling? What's bling? What does bling mean again?"
Me: "You tell me, I explained this to you last week!!"
Dad: "But I forgot."
Me: Explained what bling was once again.
Dad: "Bling-bling!"
Mom: "Yep, he's got bling."

Ohhhhhh my. I find so much joy in hanging out with my parents.
Today my dad asked me if I was glad to be done with college. I answered yes, only because I have been looking forward to graduating college for let's see, um, 5 years now. I hate classes. Bleh. But really, I'm trying not to be bitter about being robbed of that feeling of relief. Last week I took 7 finals and did a bunch of other stuff, stressing out to the max... there was no time to look forward to being done let alone being relieved to be done because there is still so much to do in the next two weeks.

But a little while ago as I was laying in my hotel bed, I started to feel a little bit of relief. A little bit of excitement for what is to come. I suppose I got most excited about having more free time next year.

Here are a couple things that I am looking forward to:
-Watching KU games. I had to cut that this season... and i hated it.
-Fishing- I had to cut that this year as well. Um, never again, hopefully.
-Hanging out with friends. Didn't have a whole lot of time to do that this semester either.
-Writting, reading.

I have decided to start writting letters. I've never done it because honestly, it's faster to communicate in other ways. But everyone tells me that writting letters just has something about it. More intimate, more personal. The fact that it takes longer perhaps lets the other person know that you care about them enough to send them a letter. SOOOO, if you are so lucky to get a letter from me sometime, know that I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU AND LOVE YOU IN MY LIFE!!!

Ranger training in 2 days... OH YEAHH!!!! I'm starting to get excited, now that I'm shoving the hell week out of my mind.

This summer is going to be great. For so many reasons. More to come on that later.

Have fun with finals everyone that's taking them next week!! I'm already done. Haha!!!

And this post was more like a journal entry. Sorry.

Love, Jenna

I don't vent much, so I'm going to now

2009-05-02T16:47:00.003-05:00

Blogging right now is my short breath I decided to take in the midst of this chaos. If you think to pray for me at some point, I'd sure appreciate it. I'm freaking out a little.

I'm leaving Friday May 8th at 7:00 a.m. to head to Indiana to be a park ranger this summer. That means that everything has to be done a week early. On top of that, I am graduating, which throws some more "to-do's" on top of the list.

I've got too much to do, I don't know how I can do it all, and do it well.

This is what has to happen in four days next week (Monday-Thursday):
7 tests- 4 accumulative, 3 normal tests
2 presentations
1 bug collection (I can't find any bugs- it's too cold and windy, uhoh)
All of my packing
Tying up all loose ends w/ graduation
Filling out and sending in paperwork for my job
Saying Goodbye to friends
I also work 12 hours hours in those two days
And other little random things

And then... once all that is finished I take off to Indiana, with camper in towe, set up my home, and head off to ranger training for 4 days. My brain is already going to be shot, so I don't know how I'm going to soak up TONS of information during those four days. Training is from 6:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. every day. Um, a little much? Yes, I do think so.

And then... the next day I start my actual job. First day of being a park ranger at a new park is always terribly overwhelming. All the procedures, figuring out the lay of the land, remembering where everything is at... there is just A LOT to learn. Being a park ranger in a park with that much visitation is a bit scary to me, I'm not going to lie. It's like being a law-enforcer, a paramedic, and a naturalist and a teacher all in one.

SO, I'm terribly sorry if I have been/will neglect you this next week. It's not what I want to do.

Leaving early means that I'm not walking for graduation. I didn't want to anyways. I don't care much for recognition. I'm satisfied knowing that I got through, and did it with decent grades. BUT, I am becoming increasingly sad that I will not be able to celebrate with other friends that are graduating. I'm wishing I could at least spend some time with them and go to as many receptions as I could. Oh well, I guess.

Once this next 2 or 3 weeks is over though... I'll be livin it up!! I'm pretty excited to live in a camper in the woods all summer. It'll be a simple life, and simplicity refreshes me beyond words. So praise the LORD!!!

And then I will come back to good ol' Manhattan, where I will be an Ichthus intern and a preschool teacher :)

Praise God for what he has done!!

Lately

2009-04-19T11:18:00.003-05:00

I've been rather absent in the blogging world as of late. Not because I have nothing going on with me... It's because I have too much going on. Not outwardly, but inwardly. A lot of transformation has taken place in the last few weeks that just simply cannot be conveyed in a blog.

I've thinned my schedule out a lot. Made myself less busy. Before I was the queen of busy. All the things I was involved with were good. I enjoyed them all, immensly. But it got to be too much. Silly me didn't realize it, and intervention of the divine sort helped me out. It's kind of funny how the Lord brought me to this place.

My day to day now looks SO MUCH different than it did a month ago, and it has been refreshing. Because of my intentional cutting back of "things" I have had the opportunity to have daily solitude, which is a must for me. The past year and 1/2 I have sacraficed that for the sake of everything else. Not that I didn't grow during that time, because I grew immensly... but I definately am confident that this time of "pruning" in my life was due. And It has come with so much refreshment and encouragement. The Word has been illuminated lately and revelation has come on a daily basis.

The biggest reason I can say that this is indeed good is by the way I am interacting with people. I am ministering my my whole heart now, being able to love more fully. It was starting to get where it was feeling more like a task... loving with a tired heart. Wanting to give more, but not being quite able. Not the that Lord can't work through my weaknesses, because he does it on a daily basis!! But this has been a good,healthy change. One most welcomed.

One thing that I have been missing immensly is the Ichthus community. Since I have been going to the Free Thought meetings on Thursday I feel like I don't know what's going on in people's lives, and I don't particuraly like that. The daily prayer times are all taken out by my weird and random class schedule. Darn those one credit hour classes!!! Disconnected is definately what I feel there. BUT... there is next year, something that I am looking forward to!!!

Ta!!

P.S. The Ducks unlimited banquet is today. Something that I would very much like to attend and spend money on. Horrible way to spend money, so I opted not to go. Plus, in all honesty, the time I get to spend hunting and fishing is pretty slim lately. Due to lack of funds hunting/fishing buddies, and time.

It's fun how that works

2009-04-12T21:48:00.004-05:00

This is a journal entry on my 3rd day of Spring Break this year.

3/15/09 6:00p.m. Mark Twain State Park, MO
I arrived at Mark Twain SP today around 3:30- got camp set up around 4:30, and ate some supper. Hamburger and sausage Stuff- nutricious. I got the fire started so I could cook on it. The rules said you can't collect firewood. I did anyways. There won't be any park rangers around on a Sunday night, hence the reason I didn't pay the park-use fee. haha!

The shower houses are closed because of the off-season- and I'm absolutely filthy. I've got dirt under all of my nails, hair is an absolute ratty mess and going every which way, no cosmetics of any sort, hair and cloths smelly strongly of campfire.... I couldn't be happier.

The woods are my Hilton. The luxury here far surpasses anything I could ever want out of an expensive hotel room.

The trees in this park are nearly a pure stand of shagbark hickory with a couple of hackberry's here and there. It looks as though they burned this area last spring. This is apparent as many of the trees have a charred bottom. It's funny how a tree burns from the inside out. Oh dear, it's starting to rain.

*5 minutes to put the rain tarp on.*

That's curious, rain certainly wasn't in the forecast.

I find myself debating on wether or not I want to stay here for a couple of days. I know I wanted to stay in random places, but this trip was suppose to have the purpose of freedom and no agenda- afterall. I suppose I shall see how I feel about that in the morning.

It appears as though they have quite a few cool walking trails... hm, I should do that.

I saw this bird a couple hours ago. It looked like a really BIG red-headed woodpecker- but it couldn't have been b/c of it's size. Same markings and flight pattern and everything though!! What a fool I am to forget my Dendrology and Ornithology field guides! OOOHH!! That really does make me sad, seemings how I can't walk by a single tree or hear the chirp of a bird w/out trying to identify it.

Sometimes I feels as though having the mind of a naturalist is a trap- noticing every little detail about the natural world around me. But I don't think so anymore. Throughout college I have somewhat tried to enjoy the urban setting- and I have, I've enjoyed it. But it's here that I get a grip on myself- it's here that I call my home. My earthly dwelling that is.

But ministry is where I find my purpose. Ministry and Nature. They are the two desires of my heart- both given to me by God. Now how do they fit. Oh heavens, how do they fit? I don't know. You know, my God. You know. I suppose I should not strain myself so.

The squirrels are gray here. It's starting to pour... time to go the the tent. I'm calling my mom now.

I read this entry tonight... and came to the staggering realization that God answers. I guess I should say "answered." Next year I am living here in Manhattan. I will be doing ministry first and foremost, and probably working some part-time on the side at the preschool. After FINALLY deciding on this, my soul has been at rest. Divine.

But before I do that I will be working in Indiana this summer as a Park Naturalist. Describing every detail of nature to those interested in hearing.

I will be living in my Hilton... the woods. I will camp all summer. Yeah baby. Camping all summer. No running water, no electricity. And I couldn't be happier about it. Oh yes. And do you know how much "rent" will cost me? $25 a month. It would have been $400 a month in an apartment. Who needs that!?!

I worried about finances next year. Now with insanely cheap rent this summer, I suppose I should chill out a bit. Savings account here I come.

WHOOPS!!!

2009-04-02T17:05:00.002-05:00

I started getting a little sick last night... sore throat and stuff. I woke up and my fears were correct, I was definately sick.

So I immedietly took some sudafed.

What I didn't realize is that I took Sudafed PE. Shortly after taking it, I sat down to study and found myself not being able to stay awake. I thought it was just because I was sick, my body was fighting, etc. Then it registered. I went and looked at the package and sure enough, I had taken Sudafed PE. What an idiot.

If you're ever looking for a GREAT way to waste your day, take a nighttime medicine/sleepaid at 10:00 a.m. I haven't gotten anything done today. Try to study-drift off. Try to read my bible-drift off, try to eat something-not hungry, just tired. Try to talk to someone one the phone-can't, too groggy. Try to be chipper-can't, to mad about wasting my day. I really did try to do stuff... but it just wasn't workin.

BUT, I was able to stay awake for this one thing. I watched this clip. Do ya'll know who Mark Driscolle is. No? He's the man. He rocked this debate. It's pretty long, and it doesn't get real good until the middle. Maybe you won't like it as much as me. The reason I'm so into it is because of the kind of ministry I am doing right now. Check it out here. It's called "Does Satan Exist" You'll find it on the right side of the page.

Some of you know who Lacrae is. Mark Driscolle is the guy who talks in the first song, "rebel" about riding around on Motorcycles naked and breaking commandments. You should listen to them too. They get me pumped.

Totally off topic, but I just wanted to advise you not to listen to the advice that Dove Chocolate gives on the inside of their wrappers.

Some of them include:

"Do what feels good." -7/10 times for me this is not good.

"Follow your insticts." -Also, this only works for me 4/10 times generally.

"Temptation is fun, giving in is even funner." -Temptation is not fun, it's miserable. I might have to agree on the 2nd part, but it's only fun for about .5 seconds then starts the spiral downwards.

"Wink at the next person driving by." -Depends on what kind of wink you give them. A friendly wink, ok. A "come hither" wink probably not such a good idea.

"Ya know what, you look good in red!" -You don't even know me.

They have some alright ones though like:

"Smile."

"Have a sparkle in your eye."

But mostly you shouldn't listen to them.

By the time this sudafed wares of at 10:00 p.m. i'll be ready to start my day. Too bad my day tomorrow starts at 6:30 a.m.

This is fun

2009-04-01T21:42:00.004-05:00

David Marten started it. I'm doing it in order to stay awake until 11. Do this, it's fun.

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (60%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain.
Left Brain (40%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Are You Right or Left Brained?
personality tests by similarminds.com

I always knew I was a wanderer. This just confirmed it.

What Classic Movie Are You?
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MMMMyyyyeaaaahhhh! I'm Abe Lincoln baby! Who are you??

What Famous Leader Are You?
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Israel

2009-03-31T23:07:00.002-05:00

I feel like Israel.

Hosea 11
When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son. The more they were called, the more they went away; they kept sacrificing to the Baals and burning offerings to idols.
Yet it was I who taught Ephraim to walk; I took them up by their arms, but they did not know that I healed them. I led them with cords of kindness, with bands of love, and I became to them as one who eases the yoke on their jaws, and I bent down to them and fed them.
They shall not return to the land of Egypt, but Assyria shall be their king, because they have refused to return to me. The sword shall rage against their cities, consume the bars of their gates, and devour them because of their own counsels. My people are bent on turning away from me, and though they call out to the Most High, he shall not raise them up at all.
How can I give you up, O Ephraim; for I am God and not a man, the Holy One in your midst, and I will not come in wrath.
They shall go after the Lord; he will roar like a lion; when he roars, his children shall come trembling from the west; they shall come trembling like birds from Egypt, and like doves from the land of Assyria, and I will return them to their homes, declares the Lord.

Why do I get the sense that the Lord is calling me and I am going away. It's a hidden trangression that keeps me in the dark, one that could perhaps be revealed by prayer and fasting. Yet I refuse... that obviously says something. The Lord has shown me so much kindness, and I doubt his love?

I need to return.
Hosea 14
Return, O Israel, to the Lord your God, for you have stumbled because of your iniquity. Take with you words and return to the Lord; say to him, Take away all iniquity; accept what is good, and we will pay with bulls the vows of our lips. Assyria shall not save us; we will not ride on horses; and will will say no more. "our God" to the work of our hands. In you the orphan finds mercy.
I will heal their apostasy; I will love them freely, for my anger has turned from them. I will be like the dew to Israel; he shall blossom like the lily; he shall take root like the trees of lebanon; his shoots shall spread out; his beaty shall be like the olive, and his fragrance like Lebanon. They shall return and dwell beneath my shadow; they shall flourish like the grain; they shall blossom like the vine; their fame shall be like the wine of Lebanon.

May this be so. Oh Lord, your mercy is not deserved.

This is what happens when I go hiking

2009-03-31T21:29:00.002-05:00

I wish I had something exciting or significant to write about, but I don't.

Although there are some random, funny things that have happened to me. They all happened in one afternoon.

Yesterday I went running on a trail at Fancy Creek State Park about 20 miles out of town... I walked too, but most of these things happened to me when I was running.

I stepped on a legless lizard... that I thought was a snake at first. But it wasn't.
It was in the middle of the trail, I didn't see it until it was too late.

I heard a low growl behind me and thought it was a rabid coyote, but alas, it was just the jake brakes on a semi-truck a long ways away on the highway. A sigh of relief.

I slipped in some mud bit the dust, I mean mud, really hard. My head landed next to an ugly looking rock. Could have had a concusion or worse.

And the worst one of all. I layed my phone on my car as I picked these prickly things off of my pants and then I forgot about it and drove off. I got about 5 miles down the highway and realized what I had done. So I went back and looked for awhile in the parking lot (I was pretty sure it fell off there because I tore out of there like a mad-woman flinging gravel and stuff, because that's fun) and didn't find it. I had to leave because I was teaching piano lessons in 20 minutes and it took 20 minutes to get to town. After piano lessons I drove all the back out there and looked in the parking lot and could not find it.

So I walked the sides of the highway in a desperate attemp to find it. AND THEN, after walking down the side of the highway for quite awhile, THERE IT WAS!! It was flipped open, but still kickin. I was overjoyed!! I talked to my phone all the way back to the car.

That's it. Twas quite the hiking excursion.

I'm giving an interpretive presentation about snakes and their value to the ecosystem tomorrow. Too bad I killed one by stepping on it yesterday. Some roll model I am.

No slam dunk

2009-03-27T17:03:00.004-05:00

So that job I was telling you about in Indiana... well, I may not be going there anymore. They called me yesterday, and informed me that they're budget was being cut even more than it already had (b/c of the economy of course) and the seasonal program might be nixed altogether... which would take me out. They said they would let me know in a week. Not only that, but the pay would be, well let's just say not good. So, I have three interviews scheduled next week with some different parks in Missouri. I'm no longer holding my breath for Indiana.

I'm suprisingly ok with that. I've got bigger things on my mind, like the salvation of athiests.

Last night I attended the "free thought" meeting. Most of them are athiests, some agnostic. I've decided to go every Thursday night to build relationships with these people, get involved in their activities, be their friend, show them love, and most of all pray for intervention of the miraculous type.

It was scary walking into a room full of athiests, and even scarier letting them know I was a Christian. Why was i scared? For a lot of reasons, but not so much anymore. I got to know some people, all of who were extremely nice and welcoming.

I have found my heart growing for this day by day for the past few weeks, and going for the first time last night set me on fire. I found myself praying and pleading with God all the way home (2 1/2 hours) to Smith Center this afternoon. I haven't spent that much time with the Lord in quite awhile, I'm ashamed to say.

Along with going to those meetings, I've been going to an evolution lecture series that has been going on at K-state in honor of Darwin's 200th anniversary. I did not go to these willingly, it was a grade requirement for my entemology class. But I'm glad I was forced to go. There are still a couple left, I wonder what the Lord will do with me and that. It's just another affirmation in what the Lord has been calling me into. The speaker at the most recent evolution speech talked largely about Darwin's life. Did you know that his wife of 47 years was a Christian? I was brought to tears as I listened to the story of Darwins's final hours, and his final conversation with his wife. The agony of his wife was too much for my small heart to take, and I found myself trying to hold back the tears, until I just couldn't anymore. I felt silly wiping my eyes at an evolution meeting. I wasn't just crying for Darwin and his wife, but for the people who don't know the Lord, and who are SO SET against any belief in Him.

Other thing on my mind: seminary. It won't leave. It wouldn't be like me to ever think of such an idea... for many reasons apparent from my personality. But the thought has been there for quite some time now, almost nagging at this point.

Anticipation

2009-03-24T14:05:00.002-05:00

I was looking up home cures for insomnia. I found some cool things. I'll probably try some of them, but not all of them, b/c some of the stuff you need you can only get in India.

This is what the website said:
The most common cause of sleeplessness is mental tension brought about by anxiety, worries, overwork, and overexcitement.

Hm. Well, I suppose since ALL of those things have been very present for awhile now, It would make me a prime cantidate for insomnia.

A note on the overexcitment- this one is especially true lately because of the new job. I can't hardly think about anything but that lately, which is bad news for the three tests I have this week. The past few nights when I should have been sleeping, or attempting sleep, I have instead been researching what books about Indiana flora and fauna I am going to buy when I get my tax return.

Just in case you are interested in some cures for insomnia, look here.

P.S. The wind yesterday was awesome, especially mixed with the cloudy, rainy weather. I found the highest overhanging cliff I could at the lake yesterday and faced the wind. I Stood braced, arms wide open, letting it rush my body. It was great. I loved letting the wind hit me, especially the fresh wind right off of the lake.

Water has always represented freedom for me. It's the most beloved part of nature to me.

Crazy

2009-03-20T15:29:00.002-05:00

As the last Spring Break of my college career is coming to and end, I took the time too look back, and realized that it was one heck of a ride. This is the order of events.... roughly.

1) Friday- After work, pack my stuff (camping gear, cloths, cooking utensils... etc). Get my oil changed, go to the bank. Then, for some odd reason, I decided to dial this random number of a State Park in Indiana. I knew nothing about the park, other than it was 40 miles outside of Indianapolis where my sister lives. I left him a message inquiring about job opening there. He called me back 20 minutes later and told me that he didn't have any openings, but the State Park down the road did, Turkey Run. He gave me the number, so I called there. And I set up an interview for Thursday. Sooo.... that was pretty much in the middle of my break, and with the upcoming weekend with plans already, I decided that i wasn't going to roll the dice, I didn't have enough time. Sad day. I decided I would camp on the way to Indy.
So I take off and head to KC to spend the weekend with one of my few kindred spirits in this world, Heather Deddens.
2)Sunday morning- I take off, heading east. I'm not a very good map reader, so I decided that anywhere I was going to go, I had to find it by using a map. Yeh, I spent quite a few $ on maps. In Missouri, I decided that one of my destinations would be Mark Twain State Park. I get there at about 3:00p.m. and immedietly start setting up camp. I set up my tent and started a campfire. Mark Twain SP has the rule that you cannot use any of the wood in the park for fire, even if it's dead and down. It's an alright rule, there are very good reasons behind it. It helps stop the spread of invasive insects, and it helps to creat good humus which is very beneficial to the soil. But I didn't have any firewood, and nothing was open for me to buy any, so I broke the rules and gathered downed wood. It was a Sunday night... being a park ranger myself, I know for a fact that Sunday night is the best time to break rules because no one is ever working then. Because I knew that, I also decided not to pay in the self-pay station. I wasn't using any electricity or water... and most of their facilities didn't work. So I didn't feel bad. I made a pretty sweet weinie roasting stick of a dogwood branch, they are excellent for that. At about 7:00 it started to rain, which was definately not in the forecast. I put my rain cover over the tent and retired to my little abode the rest of the evening. I read, journaled for a long time. Then it got REALLY cold. I feel like cold air was somehow getting trapped in my tent, because it was way colder in my tent then it was outside. Everything was getting wet in my tent because of the condensation, which wasn't helping the frigidness either. I made camp way out in the sticks where there wasn't anyone in sight, so I was expecting little furry visitors that evening (raccoons, squirrels, oppossums, etc.) Sure enough, they visited. Racoons even scratched at my tent. They weren't scared at all. I batted at them from the other side, just for fun. I had finally had enough of the damp, coldness of my tent and decided that I was going to go sleep outside till a pack of coyotes let loose about 50 feet behind my tent, which is really close, especially for coyotes who are suppose to be deathly scared of people, whatever. So I yelled at them and they shutup, and I decided to finally sleep in my car at 4:00 a.m. I woke up with the sun and decided that i had had enough of this place and moved on.

3)I drove straight through Illinoise and stopped at Turkey Run State Park when I got to Indiana. This was the park that I was suppose to be interviewing at on Thursday. When I saw it, I was not impressed. All of the park rangers were sitting around on a bench chit-chatting, which really turned me off, and there was a HOTEL in the campground! And a swimming pool! What!?! No way Hosay!! I almost canceled my interview. But something was telling me not to. So I finished the tour of the park, and headed towards Indy. 20 miles down the road from Turkey run was Shades state park. I went to it, and discovered it to be one of the most rugged, scenic parks to behold! I loved it, and wished that I was interviewing there. I decided to look it up when I got to Indy.
So I get to Indy, and hung out with my sister for a few days. During that time I filled out A LOT of applications for other parks. It stressed me out big time. I was so ready be done with this job searching business. Then Thursday finally came, my interview. My interview lasted two hours, and I feel pretty confident in saying that I rocked it. All of the stuff that I saw when I swung through a few days earlier weren't even mentioned as part of my job description. Turkey run is one of the most beautiful parks in Indiana, best known for its rugged trails, canyons and waterfalls. Pretty sweet! What I saw was just the entrance, apparently I didn't search hard enough to find out what it really was. It's also the leading interpretive location in the state, which is good news for me, because that's what I am, and interpreter. I'm sorry... the correct title is "Interpretive Naturalist-Park Ranger." Naturalist for short. Anyways, I fell in love with the place, and in love with the idea of the cool things I would get to do for my job! I was thinking the whole time, "Oh my gosh, don't blow this one Jenna! This is too good to be true!" So after the interview Barbara, the naturalist that interviewed me, showed me around the place. Then she asked what my interest level was. I said "high", she said "good". Then she said said that she was going to call me first on the list of applicants and offer me the job, and to think about really hard about it, because she needed an answer by Thursday. So I left, thought about it, prayed... and decided to take the job. Woot!

Ok, so this is what I'll be doing people... I bet you wish you were me. Leading all sorts of hikes. Night hikes, owl hunts, sunrise bird hikes, waterfall and canyon hikes... and everything in between. Giving presentations about astronomy, flora and fauna, etc. One of the things that I"m most excited about it learning to handle snakes, because that's a huge topic there. I'm a little nervous about handling venemous snakes, but after the first time, I'm sure it'll be amazing.
Oh, and do you want to know what else is cool? Remember that one park that I was talking about, Shades State Park? Well, it is run by Turkey Run state park, so I get to lead all sorts of hikes through that as well.

I left out a lot of things about my spring break... but those were the highlights.

I'm back! Well, almost. On Sunday. Tomorrow I'm house hunting here in Indiana. :)

Spring Break

2009-03-08T17:49:00.003-05:00

Thanks to all who gave input as to how I should go about deciding which way to traverse across the country over spring break. Those are three very good ideas. It is true that with the dice rolling idea that "one" would be left out. But I could still choose that option because I think I'm going to elimate driving straight south... I've been there too much lately. So I haven't decided yet, they are all such good ideas.

BUT... my spring break plans, or "lack of plans" are being threatened by job interviews. One in Little Rock, Arkansas and one in St. Louis, Missouri. So... I may be headed east then southeast. In that case, I will probably head on down to Louisianna to visit the swamp lands and tour some national parks down that way. After visiting my sister in Indy, of course.

But if I don't have interviews over springbreak, I'm kind of hoping to end up randomly choosing, by roll of the die, spinning, or bottle spinning, in Oregon or California. I've always wanted to see those huge trees. Redwood, Gianit Sequoia, and Douglas Fir... among others. I have been tempted to nix the whole random decision making and just head West... but I've made up my mind that it must be random. We'll see what God does with that.

I extended the offer to a lot of people to go with me, but everyone already has plans. So I'm going it alone. I'm glad that is the way it turned out. I'm in desperate need of solitude. I think that's what has kept me in this funk lately... lack of solitude.

I've decided to take a dog, since I will be staying by myself in a tent. This will either be my roomates dog, Abby, or my dog from home, snickers.

I'm getting so excited, I can hardly wait!!!

When I Heard the Learn'd Astronomer

2009-03-07T17:49:00.002-06:00

When I heard the learn'd astronomer,

When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me,

When I was shown the charts and diagrams, to add, divide and measure them,

When I sitting heard the astronomer where he lectured with much applause in the lecture-room,

How soon unaccountable I became tired and sick,

Till rising and gliding out I wader'd off by myself,

In the mystical moist night air, and from time to time,

Look'd up in perfect silence at the stars.

-Walt Whitman

This summer when I'm introducing nature to people, I don't want to give them facts. I want to assist them in discovery. More often than not, facts leave the mind just as quick as they enter. What I want to give my visitors is an experience. An emotional connection to nature, one that will leave them touched. One that will light a flame.

"Do not try to satisfy your vanity by teaching a great many things. Awaken people's curiosity. It is enough to open minds; do not overload them. Put there just a spark. If there is some good inflammable stuff, it will catch fire."-Anatole France, as quoted in The Earth Speaks

St. Patricks Day... not

2009-03-07T17:43:00.002-06:00

I was going to write a post about the idiocy of Fake St. Patty's Day, but I feel as though my feelings are much the same as a friend of mine's. Instead of using 5 valuable minutes of my time writing how I loathe it, you can read my feelings expressed in his words here.

Cheers.

My foolishness

2009-03-05T09:53:00.003-06:00

I woke up this morning, tempted to feel like I did every other morning this week. Tired, lethargic, defeated, dreading. I really didn't want it to be like that, but sadly enough I was starting to believe that those feelings were just a fact of life, and that i better start learning to live with it. Then I remembered the weather and told myself that I really should excercize this morning... especially since I got up a lot earlier than I had to in order to finsih some homework. I hate going to the rec, and walking in town during the day really isn't that fun either. So I decided to head out of town. In my mind I was setting a time in which I had to be back in order to get ready for class. The class being evolution, I mean entomology. Then I decided to skip it. First class of the semester that I have skipped just because I wanted to. That's pretty good if you ask me.

I decided to go on a hike this morning in search of fresh-air, a cool breeze, some time to clear my head, and of course a time to burn some calories. I found all of those things, but most importantly I found God- whom I wasn't intentionally looking for. Isn't it just like him to remind me that he's as present as always if I'd just look?

This week has been something else. Just when I think I have been refined enough lately, he sends me through another fire. The fire I endured this week was by far the roughest one all semester. Although I do find the hotter the flame, the shinier you are at the end. I'm not talking about the outside, I'm talking about the inside. I'm still physiclly and emotionally and spiritually tired... exhausted actually. But I have learned so much about God this week, and I only realized it this morning while sitting on the lakeshore.

What has been trying me you ask? Mainly my future. There are some other things, but my future is definately the one that has been causing me the most anxt. Not the far future, the immediete future. I've been wrestling with what my next step should be. Trying to hear God's voice. Thinking I heard it, then realizing that wasn't it. Then getting frustrated and mad. Then thinking I heard it again, and realizing that it wasn't it again... and the same circle over and over.

Main question being this. Should I be a park ranger? Should I spend the next year in ministry or pursuing ministry?

Those questions are quite large. This week I have found God's faithfulness in the smaller steps.

Step one: My heart needed to be examined. This was late last week actually. I said, Lord, I am way more excited about ministry than I am about being a park ranger. But my heart doesn't know, in fact I know my heart is fickle and needs an adjustment. Do you want me to stay here in Manhattan? Or do you want me to pay off my debt to Sally Mae by being a park ranger. If so, Lord, would you please give me joy and excitement at the thought of being a park ranger. I ask this only seeking to do your will.

God answered my cry. The next morning I woke up so excited about being a park ranger. Not the fake kind of joy that sometimes we can force ourselves to have. No, this was the joy that came from deep down within me that made me want to jump, yell, and drop everything and go. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Passion was building 10 fold every waking and sleeping hour. Job opportunities started presenting themselves. One in Missouri, and one in Arkansas, both very promising. I knew I needed to get out of Kansas... the black hole state and national parks. I was really excited to go.

Then I got a call from Wilson Lake, asking me to come back this summer. They left a message on my machine, which gave me time to think before I answered too briskly. My first thought was no, I know that is not where I need to be going. Don't get me wrong, I loved working there. But there are a number of reasons why I shouldn't go back there that I won't go into here. But the seed was planted, and me being my foolish self started contemplating the ways in which it could be right, ignoring all the ways in which I knew it wasn't. Pretty soon i was sold. I was pretty much decided that I was going to go back and pursue a career with the corps of engineers. Then i stopped and realized that perhaps I should pray about this. Duh. I'm ashamed to say that it was hard for me to pray here because I knew God would answer pretty quick like. After the realization came that I really needed to pray about it, i didn't for a few hours because I couldn't. I wanted to go to Wilson, God could very likely tell me not to, and I wasn't quite sure I was ready to accept that. I spent the next few hours thinking about God and his nature. His plans, my feeble mind, etc, until I finally came to the 100% realiation that God's plans are bigger than mine, and to not want what he wants for me would make me absolutely miserable. MISERABLE!!! Which brought me into repentance, which then brought me to my knees begging for God to work his plan in my life because I couldn't bare to live otherwise. I asked him to take away all of the complications. To take away all of the head-spinning, to take away all of the confusion and make his plan known. Afterall, my God is not the author of confusion. I prayed that right before I went to sleep Monday night... or should i say Tuesday morning. I woke up Tuesday morning and everything was clear. There was no question as to wether I was suppose to work at Wilson or not, Literally. It was as if the question was the easiest ever to answer. The answer was No. There was no second thoughts about it on Tuesday morning. No if ands or buts, nothing. I called Wilson and declined the offer without a doubt in my mind.

I burned my bridges with Corps of Engineers on Tuesday. My only hope of a career with them was by getting into the SCEP program. And I had to be working for them this summer to apply for it. Good, at least one door is closed.

So, with God answering my prayers so promptly and everything else, why was I in such a despairing mood this week? I felt God closing the door on what I thought I wanted to do next year, ministry here in Manhattan. I was like a screaming child, pouting because they didn't get their way. Then I found myself checking out with everything... most of all ministry. Pushing it away, not participating... even feeling a lot of bitterness towards it. A lot of bitterness towards it. School work piled up more than ever, and time slipped through my fingers. It just sent me the wrong way. Starting Tuesday afternoon I was stiff-arming God, keeping him at a distance, refusing to let Him comfort me. After his big show of faithfulness, I returned to him a healthy-dose of thanklessness instead of thankfulness.

When I got to my lakeshore this morning I let his goodness sink in, and realized the error in my ways. I thanked the good Lord for his providence in my life, and apologized for not being thankful. From there came an overwhelming sense of hope and joy, and most of all peace. Peace knowing the providence he holds within me. Oh my.

Then I ran for a mile and nearly died. But it's ok.

GRRRR!! adf;ljadsfk;lj;ladsfkja!!!! WHUAH!!

2009-03-03T22:21:00.005-06:00

Warning: Rant to follow.

Entomology was a class I was really looking forward to taking. Let me tell you, it has been a pretty big let-down. In lecture, the teacher talks about evolution 2x as much as he talks about insects. In lab, I can't understand anything the TA says because he has such a strong accent, and he talks really quiet, and he has no enthusiasm. Who goes through 51 slides in one hour? And these aren't just slides with a little info on them, they are slides with A LOT of info on them. I have a lab practicum on Monday... we'll see how that treats me.

Back to the evolution thing. Hm, propoganda. My teacher, I am convinced, is the biggest Darwin fan that ever lived. I have seen him wear at least 4 different Darwin shirts to class, and he talks about him all the time. He also wears T-shirts mocking Christianity. One T-shirt, for example, went like this: On the front it said KU Agnostic and Athiest Club. On the back it said "list of mythical creatures" Then it listed a whole long list of them. Then, at the bottom of the list was GOD, in big bold letters. The first time I saw him wear that shirt I was tempted to be really annoyed, but I was able to hold off.

When I said he talks about evolution 2x more than insects, I'm not even kidding. I realize evolutionary principles are something that you have to be familiar with in my major. I've dealt with it. I know my fair share about evolution. I came into the class knowing all I needed to know about it. He justifies his evolution talks by saying that it's a principle in any field of biology. Well, yeh, ok, but he has taken it WAY further than any biology proffesor I have ever taken a class from, and I have taken quite a few biology classes.

I had to withhold my judgements at the very begining of the semester when one of my best friends told me he failed her for missing his test to go to her Grandmothers funeral. In the syllabus it states that a test cannot be missed or moved under any circumstances. No exceptions. She even told him the day that she died that the funeral was on that day of the test... and pleaded with him to let her take it the day before the funeral. He wouldn't budge. So she chose her grandma's funeral. He gave her a zero, and she failed the class. What an ass!!

So I was pushing all of that aside, until he pushed me over the edge last week. As you all know, well maybe not, it was Darwin's 200th anniversary last month... so there have been all sorts of people giving talks about him and evolution and blah blah blah. He comes to class and tells us that we have to attend 2 out 3 of the lectures presented on campus for homework. Not one, two. These are freakin 3 hour lectures... over evolution. I was thinking, surely he's not serious.

So I raised my hand and asked, "Do these lectures have anything what-so-ever to do with insects?" And he said, "No. They are about evolution." And so I said, "then why do we have to attend them?" And he gave me the same spiel... because it's very important to understand evolution, yada yada. Then I said, "Those times are very specific, what if we have things going on during those times?" And he said, "That's why I'm only requiring you to go to 2 out of 3." It took everything in me not to roll my eyes.

2 of the times are on a Thursday evening. I'm not missing Ichthus to listen to a 3 hour lecture on evolution... while I boil up with anger inside. The other one is on a Wednesday. I have lifegroup on Wednesday.

I might go to the one on Wednseday. That's a big might. But that's it. I'm not going to another one. I suppose I'll try to ration with him... but I'm pretty sure I'll lose, since my reasons for not going have everything to do with God... and I know by now how he feels about that!

I'm sitting in my seat before class today thinking that if he starts talking about evolution today I'll have to fight myself to keep from getting up and leaving. And what do you know, the whole first half of the lecture was used to talk about evolution and natural selection. Not a word about insects was mentioned. I tuned him out. I had to, or else I would spiral down the horrible path of anger and resentment.

Why do I let things like this bother me so much? Too stubborn? Too strong-willed. Yah, probably so. I'm trying not to dislike him so much. It should be the evil I hate, not him. I have a hard time with that. If anything, I should feel sorry for him.

Back from Indy

2009-03-02T18:36:00.003-06:00

I went to Indianapolis with my mom to visit my sister this weekend. We left Friday morning at 8:00 a.m and got back this (monday) morning at 1:30 a.m. I took 5 hour energy at 4:00 p.m. on Sunday, and I am just now crashing from it. You should try it.

Some firsts for me this weekend:
Eating a snickers with dark chocolate-it was the best thing ever.
Blue Raspberry Soda- Yes, this is a good as it sounds. You probably don't think it sounds good though. I'm in love with anything raspberry, just in case you didn't know that.

A decision that I made this weekend:
I've tried to like fine dining, but I just don't. I came to this final conclusion after eating at a fancy Italian place on Saturday. I cannot, no matter how hard I try, justify spending $25 (and that's on the low end) for one plate of food. I could spend $5 and be just fine, and send the other $20 to Botswana to Naledi, the little girl that I sponsor, so that she and her family can eat for 3 months. I'm not fine-dining anymore... unless someone takes me out and I don't want to be rude by turning them down.

A cool buy that I made this weekend:
I bought a Strongs concordance for $19.00. Those things are usually upwards of $40!

One random tidbit from this weekend:
I drove 128 miles on cruise control without having to put on the brake. This happened at 11:00 p.m. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be possible during the day.

The best part of this weekend:
Spending time with my sister and her stupid cat.

The worst part of this weekend:
Saying goodbye to my sister.

The Book List

2009-03-01T08:41:00.003-06:00

Books I was reading in February:

God's Smuggler-finished
Organic Church- still reading
The Shack-Still reading
The Bible- never to be finished
Sword of the Spirit-Still reading

Books I will read in March:

Organic Church

The Shack

Whichever book John Creagar is planning on recommending to me

The Bible

Interpretation for the 21st Century- By Beck and Cable. This is a park ranger book-but still reading it for fun, not required.

Nature: Henry David Thoreau, Ralph Waldo Emerson

Interpreting Our Heritage: Freeman Tilden-*only the most orginal and best environmental interpreter that ever lived!

Life in the Woods : Henry David Thoreau

Hoping to start a couple books by Thomas Merton, but I'm not sure which ones yet.

Peace by Piece- Peter Loth

That's quite a hefty list, I know. I've never really enjoyed reading that much, just because I've always thought that there were more active things I could be doing. But now I have found the error in my thinking. I think my biggest problem was that I wanted to be outside doing things instead of reading. Now when it's nice, I read outside. Booyah!

Anyways, I ordered all of those parkranger-nature philosophy books online last night. I need to get them read ASAP- because they'll help me with my job interviews coming up real soon, and I've wanted to read them for a long time now anyways.

Spring Break

2009-02-28T19:16:00.003-06:00

I've had a lot of ideas for spring break. At first I thought I was going to visit my Grandma who lives at the tip of Texas every winter. I was also invited to go with Jo to Colorado with her family. I also thought about going to Colorado to see Millie. Staying with my sister in Indy for a week was another possibility.

But then I thought of this, and I have decided to do it.

I am going to drive with no agenda. Stop wherever I want to stop. This will probably be at a lot of different parks and natural areas I'm guessing... and whatever happens to draw my curiosity. I'm definately not staying in hotels. I'll bring my tent and sleeping bag. Pack non-perishable food, and have a jolly old time. No plans, no agenda, no time limit, except for when school starts again. The only boundaries I'll have are the east and west coast, Canada, and Mexico... and the southern coast I suppose.

I don't know which direction I will go. North, east, south, west. Whichever way I go, I'll have a couple people to visit here and there. I could flip a coin, but a coin only has two sides.

How do you think I should decide? I want it to be random. I don't want to choose because of reason. Any creative ideas?

Also, just thought I would ask. Does anyone want to go with me? I know almost everybody has plans already, but I thought I'd give it a shot. It would be nice to have a buddy. If not, that's ok, I'll be content going it alone.

Why am I doing this? Because I need a break. A break from this busy schedule of mine that leaves no room for spontenaity. I'm a spontaneous, adventerous person. If I go for too long with a no-budge schedule, well, I get depressed. Kind of like I am now. Also, there's a lot of things building up that require some thought, prayer, solitude... and I don't have time for that right now.

I guess what I am looking for from this is one of the most important things that holds me together- simplicity. God-given simplicity.

My Sister is gonna be famous

2009-02-27T23:01:00.004-06:00

This is a true story.

My sister. Imagine me, then imagine the polar opposite. That's her.

She likes to write. She's written short stories and the like since she was, oh, probably about 4th grade. She also kept a lot of diaries, collections, scrapbooks... ya know, sentimental things.

She gets obsessed with things. I can't remember a time in our lives in which she hasn't been completely enthrolled with something. Well, during one stage in her life, she had a great fondness of the actress, Jessica Steen. So much so, she decided to send Jessica Steen her diary of her junior high years. She sent it her eighth grade year. Um, who does that? Who even thinks to do that? Apparently she does. NO ONE knew that she did it. She sent the diary, and years later, she eventually forgot about it.

Until, last year she got a phone call from Jessica Steen. Jessica told her that she absolutely adored her diary. She was absolutely intrigued by Joleens life... her personality, her activities, love for animals, and outlook on things. She especially loved the way she wrote. Anyways, Jessica asked her if she could produce a documentary of her life. Of course Joleen said yes. So... Joleen Wilson is her name. Don't know when it will come out... but look for it.

Yep, that's my sister. She's gonna be famous. She's already famous in my world :)

mmmmmm bugs

2009-02-26T09:07:00.003-06:00

As I was eating my wholegrain cereal this morning, I couldn't help but think I was eating a lot of bugs. I kind of lost my appetite a little. After a lecture about bugs in your food a month ago, I rarely eat food without wondering how many bug I am eating. Here is just some examples. This is all true by the way. Comes straight from the FDA.

Frozen broccoli: <60 aphids/100 gms.
Citrus juices: <5 fruit fly eggs/250 ml or <1 maggot/250 ml. (~15 maggots/gallon!).
Tomato paste/sauces: <30 fly eggs/100 gms.
Chocolate: <60 insect fragments/100 gms.
Hops: <2500 aphids/100 gms.

For you regular beer drinkers... look at all the aphids you are consuming! Key ingredient, hops.
And ya gotta love those fly eggs, oranjejuice drinkers.
I love insect fragments, especially in my chocolate.
Fly eggs sure do add the finishing touch to my spaghetti sauce.

Did I gross you out? Mission accomplished.

Want to know more? Click here.

Happy eating!

2009-02-24T19:52:00.002-06:00

This is my last semester of school. I am taking 3 classes that I was REALLY looking forward to. They are as follows:

Advanced Environmental Interpretation- by far my fav.
Park and Urban Forestry
Entomology

Those three classes are the only ones on campus. Pretty nice, not too time consuming. One of them is only once a week for 3 hours on Wednesday afternoon. The other two are on Tuesday and Thursday.

These are the classes that I put off until my last semester because I thought they would be boring and stupid, and I was right. They are as follows.

Fundamentals of Public Relations
CIS 102
CIS 104
Principles of Microeconomics

Those classes are all online. Could have taken them on campus, but I had a strategy. I would take them online so that I wouldn't have to commit very much time to them, then I could work more. BOY WAS I WRONG!!! I have spent more time this semester doing homework for my online classes than I have my entire college career. You think I'm kidding. I am not. I spent a good part of the day yesterday doing homework today, and a good part of today doing homework for these pointless classes (pointless to me).

I'm also taking this class online for work. It has taken a good chunk of my time today as well. It's called Play: Problems and Intervention.

So I was sitting on my porch today soaking up the sun, watching my neighbor across the road just down the street load up 3 fishing poles, his tackle box, cast net, and landing net in the back of his truck. He waved at me as he drove past me. It almost was as if he was mocking me. I sat there for awhile contemplating neglecting my schoolwork and heading to the fishin hole. No, not a smart idea. Not smart. Then I watched a person from the same house come out with his golf clubs. He loaded them in his truck and went. Then 10 minutes later another guy came out of the same house with his fishing poles. Loaded them up and away he went as well. I had had it at this point. Couldn't take it anymore. I was going to go fishing. Then I thought about it some more and decided that I would only go if someone went... so I could justify the time spent. At least I would be enjoying the company of a friend while neglecting the homework that was very pressing. I decided to give myself one shot. I would call this one friend, and if he could go, I'd go. If he couldn't, then I couldn't call anybody else to go and I had to do my homework. Indeed, he had to work. Darnit. Not really. I would be regretting my decision right about now if I would have went.

So I did homework most of the day. But it's ok. I'm almost all caught up! Yay! Tomorrow is new!!

Ready, set, go!!

Homesick

2009-02-23T22:26:00.003-06:00

Today was kind of... well, busy. I ran ran ran. Got a lot of stuff done. I had alarm clock issues this morning, and ended up waking up 20 minutes till 8. I was suppose to be to work by 8. Looked in the mirror. "oh no, hair is terrible. Definately need to wash it." Got through the shower in record time. Only a low maintenance girl can manage to wake up, take a shower, drive 7 minutes across town to work and make it only 5 minutes late in 25 minutes. Mhm.

Went to my boring entomology lab, fought the sleeping nod.

Raced through an assignment in 1 1/2 hours that should have taken three. I forgot it was due today... so 1 1/2 hours was all I had. Did ok.

Gave piano lessons to two little gals. Juliana is turning 9 tomorrow. She informed me that the reason she was messing up so much is because she was just too giddy about her birthday tomorrow. She's very musically talented... it's hard to challenge her.

Went on a walk with two bigger gals and a dog.

Did homework for 1 1/2 hours.

Came home and sat down on the couch and cried because I missed my family. The fam consists of my mama and papa and my sister. Joleen (my sister) lives in Indianapolis. I'm going to go see her this coming weekend!! I can't wait! I'm leaving early Friday morning and coming back Monday.

I went fishing yesterday. I only had time to go for about 1 hour. Caught 4 fish... trout. Woosy fish. I bring that up because that is what made me start missing home. I really miss fishing every weekend with my dad. I can honestly say there is no place I would rather be than sitting in the boat with my dad at Kirwin Lake right now.

Tonight I will do another 2 hours of homework. Clean the kitchen. Clean my room. Read. Pray. Go to bed.

You'll have days like these. It's all part of it. Praise the Lord still!! Wheeee! Tomorrow is brand new!!!! YAY!!

Ready, set, go.

Into the Night

2009-02-21T08:55:00.002-06:00

It starts pretty much everynight at around 10:00... if I'm not hanging out with anyone. Last week didn't really work that way either because my medications were really messing with me. It doesn't matter how awake I am, when it comes time to think about going to bed, any tiredness leaves me. This is usually the time in which I am begging my roomates to watch a movie with me, so that I'm not left to my own, sometimes evil devices.
Staying up late, in some instances, has been good. Like last night, I was awake until 4:00 a.m. reading and pondering, agreeing and refuting the many ideas of The Organic Church.
Other nights are bad. These are the nights that I really want to go to sleep, because lack of it has given me a terrible headache, but I simply can't because my mind is reeling. These nights seem to come in spurts lasting 4 or 5 days... usually resulting in some type of illness such as a cold and an extremely hopeless and despairing attitude. Obviously b/c of the weakening of my immune system. The illness in return makes me less productive in any social, spiritual aspect. Annoying. I don't even want to go into what I am thinking about during these nights here, as they are absolutely ridiculous. Lie after lie, causing me to believe I'm worthless. I feel as though these nights are becoming less common, as I have used "The Sword of The Spirit" (God's Word) to fight off the enemy. They still sneak up on me though.
Back to the good nights. Some nights I am just so immersed in God's goodness that I can't stop. I'll read and read and read. The Bible, or one of the many books I'm reading right now. I'll pray, interceed for others, write, dance, I try not to sing (it wakes up the roomates,haha) and just spend time being fascinated and overwhelmed with my God. When I finally do go to sleep I often times dream dreams that need to be shared, or dream scripture. On a few occassions I have woken up in the wee hours of the morning reciting the same scripture over and over... one that I never memorized. The next morning I recall bits and pieces of what was being spoken so that I can find it in scripture. A couple of them I have yet to find, leading me to believe that they were just words of praise and adoration I was uttering from my heart without the work of my mind. On these nights, although I get very limited sleep, I wake up even more refreshed than I would have if I would have gotten 9 hours of sleep.
Then there are the nights in which I am not sure of. These are nights in which I just simply can't force myself to go to bed. On these nights I know I could go to sleep if I would just do it. I don't want the day to end. Not because the day was anything special or out of the ordinary. It's almost as if I am expectant of something more... waiting for the highlight of my day to happen, usually in vain. Waiting for some sort of breakthrough... awaiting something that never comes. These are the nights where I will resist sleep until I cannot do it anymore, leaving me tired and feeling foolish for depriving myself of much needed sleep.

At any rate... I'd like to get more sleep. It's starting to ware on me. Other people can tell too. A lot of times when I see someone they say I look tired or wornout. That would be true. But I hate that.

The Lord sustains though. I generally have a healthy dose of joy, despite the tiredness.

Sunday

2009-02-16T12:52:00.002-06:00

Janalee, Jo and I had lunch with Luzia, a gal we met at Flint Hills, and her three sons on Sunday (why I thought she had four sons, I do not know). Wow, is all I can say. Her heart for the Lord is so pure and right. It's wonderful listening to her, but also overwhelming, knowing that there are many areas in my life that aren't walking in truth. It's funny how this lady knows exactly what to say to certain people at the right time. A certain amount of conviction comes every time I talk with her, but it's certainly not guilt. Just something that I see and want to chase ofter. Purity of heart and mind.

Intercession- my most treasured spiritual gift. Seeing the way this lady talks about intercession and spiritual warfare gives me this daunting feeling sometimes... knowing that I could be investing so much more of my heart in prayer for the world around me. It takes so much though. Praying intensly for only for a couple hours takes nearly all of my energy... physical, emotional, spiritual. After an intense prayer session I am inevitably left drained, more vulnerable to spiritual attack. Lord, give me strength in that area. Part of me doesn't want to strive to be as intense as Luzia just because it takes so much... and I find myself not wanting to give that much. The Lord is willing.

Her kids are HILARIOUS!!! Dennis intrigued me the most. He's 15. Deep thinker, philosopher of sorts. David Marten, if you are reading this, he reminds me a lot of you in a lot of ways... except he's a lot more extroverted. We were all sitting in my livingroom just chatting away, when he announced with great enthusiasm a statement that absolutely ruined me. I laughed till my abs hurt. You had to be there.
"When I get to heaven, the first thing I'm going to do is get Jesus to race me on a motorcycle!"

Kevin is the youngest, 11. This kid has unspeakable amounts of energy, and the biggest stomach I know. He's skinny, but he can put the food away like no-one's business. I automatically warmed up to him because he's so fun to pick on... always ready for a game or a random dance party.

Patrick is definately the quietest of the bunch. He's the oldest, 16. He sat a lot of the time with a notebook and a pen. I pondered all afternoon what it was that he was writting in the notebook. Drawing, writing? I don't know. He's a thinker as well.

Anyways, this family has stolen my heart. I love them all with their unique personalities and love for Jesus. You can tell that they all are grounded in truth in love, shining the light of Jesus. Such an encouragement to me.

We discussed the Flint Hills place with Luzia. What she knows about it, what kind of ministry she has already been doing, what kind of ministry has been most/least effective. God certainly led us to the right lady. There's so much more I could say, this is just an overview of the begining of this new place our LG has been brought into. I wonder what God has in store? Good things I am sure. If you'd like to know more, let me know. Nothing thrills me more than sharing what the Lord is doing.

5 Hour Energy

2009-02-14T18:20:00.003-06:00

Have you ever heard of "5 Hour Energy"? I'm not going to call it an energy drink, I'm going to call it an energy shot, as you can down it in one swig... which I recommend doing instead of taking several sips. First off, I would just like to say that they are lying about the whole 5 hour thing. It should definately be called 15 hour energy. I took it last night at 9:00 p.m. in order to stay awake driving to Topeka at 12:00 a.m. and returning home at 2:00 a.m. It kept me wide awake alright, until 4:30 a.m. when I somehow tricked myself into falling asleep, because I definately could have stayed up all night. I woke up at 8:30 and jumped out of bed with enthusiasm. I was still SO wired, as my roomates can attest. I found myself squirming while carrying on conversation. I hadn't realized I was yelling, wide-eyed, everything I was saying until Sarah pointed it out. I could have calmy said, "Hey Jo, could you teach me how to change my oil?" Instead, it was like this, "JO! YOU COULD TEACH ME HOW TO CHANGE MY OIL!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" I couldn't finish one thought pattern before I started another thought pattern, leading to some interesting conversation. Finally at 3:00 p.m. It wore off and I crashed.... hard. whoah. I'm not doing that anymore unless I absolutely have to. And if I do, i'm going to drink it in the morning. Now I will be up all night again because I took a nap in the late afternoon. Call me if you're bored at 2:00 a.m. The good thing is that it dulled the pain in my mouth most of the morning, so I'm thankful for that.

It's Valentines Day, I don't care. I am blissfully content being single, and I mean that 100%, for now. In fact, if Mr. Right suddenly showed up on my doorstep today, I would probably have to say, "Well Hey! It's good to finally meet you! Could you come back in about 4 months? No, actually, could you just give me your number and I'll call you when I change my mind, b/c it could be tomorrow." Yes, that is how fickle I am. I say that in all honesty, and I wish I could change it. Or should I say "would" change it. Probably so.

K-State lost today. My condolences.

I'm getting my wisdom teeth out on Monday. I have never looked forward to going to the dentist in my life. Ahhhhhhh.

Organic Church Chapter I

2009-02-14T12:32:00.002-06:00

One of the many books I'm reading right now is "Organic Church" by Niel Cole. I'm pretty sure that the majority of you reading this blog know about this book. Why I haven't started reading it till now, God only knows. But I am really diggin it. It puts words to so much of what my heart is invested in right now. So, you'll probably be seeing many posts in the next couple of weeks about things spoken in this book, forewarning.

"Before one speaks about starting or growing churches, one simply must wrestle with this question:'Who is Jesus to you?' You must also find the answer from your Father in heaven rather than a how-to book or a seminar workshop. Church is spiritual. There is a sense of mystery and revelation about it.
If in your answer to this question Jesus is the King of kings, then church will reflect that. If Jesus has all authority of heaven and earth and is always ppresent, then church will be different. But if Jesus is docile, passive, and indifferent, your church will be as well.
I think one of our problems is that we forget to ask ourselves this question when we set out to start churches. The consequence is weak churches. We speak more about our church "style" and "model" than about the Lord of lords who reigns within it. We tell people why our church is different from or better than other churches in town, thinking they will be attracted to it, but instead they are unintereted. If only we return to our first love and let Jesus be our focus, then many will be drawn in. They will be compelled to gain Christ rather than attend a religious service."

These three paragraphs are pretty potent, at least they are to me. As of late I have been searching myself, questioning wether I really understand Jesus. His birth, his ministry, his death, his ressurection. I feel like I am coming into a better understanding daily, but I am far from there. I am ever intrigued by Jesus, always inspired by his love and courage and lack of fear. Jesus was perfect, he did everything right. He was controlled by the Holy Spirit, only doing what was willed by the Father. The sweet thing is that the same Holy Spirit that was in Jesus is in us as well. Hello power. The downer is this: that our hearts are despereately wicked. Blame it on Eve if you would like, but I'm going to blame it on the devil. The devil did not control Jesus, because he couldn't. The devil cannot control us, if we so choose, because we have the Word. The desperately wicked heart is controlable by the Spirit.

Jesus has got a thing for His Bride, the church. The season I have entered into is one that is SO FASCINATED with the Bride. What does church look like? What is church suppose to look like? Who says the traditional American church is the way church is suppose to be carried out? Not Jesus, I can tell you that much. There are a lot of traditions in the American church that have brought it to a place that Jesus never taught. I'm going to digress on that, because that isn't the subject of this blog.

What I really wanted to talk about was this. How do you see Jesus? What is Jesus to you? Does your church represent the way you see Jesus? Your Lifegroup or what-have-you? Do you see Jesus as a lot more powerful than your group is conveying? Do you believe that the way in which Jesus modeled discipleship was intended for us, even x amount of years later? Do you believe Him when he says we are the light of the world? Do you believe Him when He says that he is pleased to give you His Kingdom?
These are all questions that I have been pondering for myself lately. I assure you, many of my answers, when I was completely honest with myself, are quite dissapointing and leave a lot of room for improvement. I say that I believe all of those things, but many of the ways in which I live do not represent what I profess to believe. When beliefs and actions don't line up, something is skewed. Lord, forgive me for talking the talk and not walking the walk. Shine light into any area of my heart where darkness still sits, uncovered. Remove selfishness, fear, idolatry, pride, complacency, and bring to the light any hidden sin that I have yet to discover. May the removal of all these things increase my faith.

So I really am serious about those questions. I would love to discuss them with you via e-mail, or tea (I hate coffee), or while kickin back at the lake with a fishin pole. A hike? Yeah! Or wherever...

Look behind you

2009-02-08T08:07:00.002-06:00

Do you ever get the feeling that someone is following you? I do.

If you have walked any distance with me lately, especially at night, you'll notice I am frequently looking over my shoulder, or even completely turning around to view the world behind me. Sometimes I feel the eyes of someone burning into me so much that I get this welling in my chest so strong that it can only be slowed by turning around and facing it. The welling isn't neccessarily an intense fear, although sometimes it does make me scared. When the feeling comes over me I feel like my whole body loses it's feeling except for my chest, where my heart starts pumping ever faster and harder. Once I have been in this state for a few seconds the feeling starts to spread to every part of my body, to where my whole body is now soley focused on the presence behind me. If I don't look behind me I will explode. Only the turn of my head, sometimes my whole body, will deter this feeling, usually only for a moment. It can be easily compared to the feeling I get while praying for someone being tormented by a demon, or dealing with the demon myself (by the power of Jesus of course.)

It happens the worst when I'm walking by myself at night. Sometimes I feel it so close to me that I have I have shivered at the thought of someone breathing down my neck. I can remember a couple times that I refused to look behind my back and the feeling moved by my side. When this happened I turned my head to the side franticlly while moving myself out of the way very quickly, as a car would do on the highway as a passing car cut too close. These encounters scared the daylights out of me. Although, in these couple of instances, it didn't take too long for my sudden fear to turn into anger. But I didn't say anything. Just the anger in my attitude subsided the feeling to follow at a further distance.

It happens when I'm with other people, but not as bad. Especially when I'm walking with another believer... the presence is still there, but following at a distance that makes it barely detectable... but still there. Now when I'm walking with someone who is not a believer, the feeling is as if I was alone.

It's often times walking through the streets of Manhattan in the dark when I hear the voice of God most cleary, telling me His heart for this town, highlighting the areas that need prayer, highlighting areas in MY life that need fixed....

Now when I get that itch to take a stroll through Manhattan in the late P.M. hours I get only to my front porch, and the eerie feeling hits me, keeping me in my house or confined to the front porch.

Some would say I'm overreacting, letting my imagination get the best of me. When I was younger, I would say you were right. I was scared of EVERYTHING when I was younger. Thunder, lightning, the dark... you name it. Now none of those things phase me... only excite me. Numerous times friends, family, and roomates have warned me about walking at night, and even pleaded with me not to do it. But I did it all the time, hardly ever feeling the least bit spooked. Walking through the town of Manhattan at night lifting up my life and this town to God... who needs to be scared while doing that!?!!!! This has been happening since about a week before the OKC trip.

So I am now 98.2% sure that this feeling is not my overactive imagination. Its a very clear presence. So why don't I get rid of it? I have the power to do that. Something keeps me from opening my mouth, and I hate that. Why am I passively letting my valuable time spent with God be stolen by this? Perhaps tonight will be the night that it will change... by the power of God and my choice of authority, may that be so.

This evenings adventure

2009-02-03T22:47:00.003-06:00

The evening didn't start off the best as I went to my car at 4:00 p.m. and discovered that the battery was dead. Darnit, I was REALLY looking forward to going to prayer today. I was thinking that perhaps if I get someone over right away to jump it then I could still make it... then I realized that it just wasn't going to happen. So I sulked for awhile, did a bit of praying myself and called my buddy Drew.

Fun Story to follow:

He came over and we played Guitar Hero. I totally dominated. Then he jumped my car, and we hopped in it and headed to the countryside in an attempt to find something that we've never seen before, which gets increasingly harder because we both explore the countryside so much.

I don't know what it is about looking for something new out in the country for me, but it absolutely thrills me! It's such an adventure. It'll cheer me up any day. I told Drew that I'd like to start near Shannon Creek Rd on the far end of the lake... in the same spot that we sited his rifle in last semester. There are a lot of cool roads back there that have been unexplored. So we start driving in that direction, got to talking, and completely missed our corner. So we turned off onto a random dirt road in attempt to get headed in the right direction and the adventure began.

The road we ended up on was the hilliest road ever! It was so steep in some places that when I neared the top of the hill I couldn't see over my dashboard to see where I was going... even if I sat up really straight and leaned forward. The road had already proved to be dangerous b/c of lack of signage at very sharp corners and bridges made out of wood with lots of boards missing and shaky foundations. It was quite humorous traveling these roads in my little sports car... it was not made for the places i like to drive. We make several turns and eventually come to a corner that looks kind of like a private road, but it wasn't marked private so we turned down it. We descended down into a valley of sorts, or rather a creek valley. Extremely creepy... definately a scene you would see in a scary movie. Old gnarley oak trees looming each way you looked, with a slight fog haniging just enough to make you constantly look to the edge of it just in case something were to walk out of it towards you. At this point the road had turned into a path, and I knew we weren't on a public road, which could only mean that it was private. The creepiness was starting to make me feel a bit uneasy, but this is the kind of stuff that I live for! I wasn't going to turn back unless Drew wanted to. I looked at him as he stared eagerly through the row of trees, obviously wondering where the path led. On we went.
we rounded the bend and descended into another valley. The path was really rough. I apologized to my car several times as we scraped the bottom. We drove on and the scenery started to change a bit to chopped trees and disturbed soil until we got to a clearing. Here we saw a large piece of equipment and a rock pile. We they building a road? Perhaps. Anywho, the path ended here so we had to turn around. As I circled the car around I looked at the clearing and then at the thick woods surrounding it. The clearing was a lighter color because the moon was able to shine all the way through to the ground, which made the border of trees even more mysterious and creepy. The unsettled feeling in my chest was growing larger every minute. On a scale of 1-10 I was about a 5 on paranoid. We inch back up the hill, away from the clearing and turn down another path which led to another dead end. I stopped the car in order to prepare for a 5 point turn and it occured to me that I should really check my tires. I put the car in park and climb out. The stillness hit me the moment I stepped out of the car. I suddenly wished I hadn't shut the car door. Now at a 6 for paranoid. I examined the tires in a counterclockwise motion starting with the front drivers side. As I turned the corner around the front passengers side I hear a rustling in the tall, dense grass right next to me. I slowly turn around, completely aware that I should move slowly just in case it is an animal that could be startled into aggression by fast movement. I face the noise, silence. Paranoia 7.5. I look expectantly into the grass for about 10 seconds, nothing. Relief. I took one more step, WHOOSH!! I hear the deep drumming of wings of a flushed prairie chicken as it rises rapidly out of the grass. Everyone knows I'm jumpy... you can only imagine my reaction to this. Sheer horror. I calmed down for a moment. I whispered a few explitives under my breath as I walked back to my door. I paused a moment before I got in to look around me. A wave of eeriness swept over me as a sudden slight breeze drifted through the grass. I hurried into my car. Paranoia 8.5. I get the car turned around and started heading back down the path. Out of nowhere a very loud and large THUD rocks the silence. I see a dark, moving object slide down my window and hit the ground.
AN OWL FLEW INTO MY WINDOW!! Thankgoodness it wasn't rolled down! I jumped high enough to touch my head on the ceiling. PARANOIA 10!!!! A few more explitives not so much under my breath as I try to calm my nerves. Were these birds demon possesed and out to get me or what? I was seriously considering that, as every terrifying thought was rushing me at this point. Drew was still keepin it cool, but you could tell his paranoia had risen a little bit too as we started to creep back down the path. I was starting to calm down when he said, "Jenna, if you see anything freaky come out in front of you I want you to run right over it!! I'm serious, even if it's a guy walking down the path. He couldn't be up to any good out here in the middle of nowhere anyways!"
Um, alright. We headed back down the trail and back over the creek crossing that I thought was froze over. I could see the tracks we had left coming through and the water starting to trickle through the cracks that we left. I paused with apprehension, but not for long as Drew instructed me to floor it. I did. We got through, and we headed back up the first valley and arrived back on the road. Whew!
We had succeded at getting lost. We drove down the road for about 10 more minutes and came to an intersection with the sign "Shannon Creek Road." Whoah! After 2 hours of wandering, we finally end up at Shannon creek road. We get on it, and decided its time to head home. Since this road was fairly familiar to me I was going a bit faster than I should have. Just as I said, "I hope we don't hit a deer!" I see a cool wooden sign off to the right of the road that I thought said "swamp" and I reeled my head around saying, "What's that!!" .5 seconds later, while my head is still turned drew hollers, "Deer!!!!!" I jerk my head around in time to see a deer about 10 feet away bounding towards my car. I swerve onto two wheels just in time, seeing the face of the deer two inches from my window, I kid you not. Never have I seen such an upclose of the famouse "deer in the headlights." I slowed down to a creep as I put my hand to my chest and feel my heart beating 100 mph. Whew. That was a close one. On we go.

We now reached the place where we had gone deer hunting several times and never once saw a buck! And what do you know, out of the brush bounds a buck. Drew yells again, but this time I was the one who saw it first, as my breaks were already slammed before he could open his mouth. Haha!

So we continue driving, both of our eyes glued to the ditch. We finally reach the highway, and I breath a sigh of relief.

My night was filled with adventure, at least I think of it as adventure. If you read my last blog post, you may remember me saying that I pretty much felt every emotion besides contentment. Oddly enough, I didn't feel too many emotions today... it was kind of blah. But when I walked into the door, after my heart-pumping evening, I felt content.

Another glimps of how God chooses to satisfy me by the great outdoors... gotta love it.

For those of you who read this far, I apologize for such a long story.

The Rollercoaster

2009-02-03T00:22:00.002-06:00

As a friend and I were chatting yesterday, we both agreed that my life is like a rollercoaster. Not only my life as a whole, but my day to day life. We kind of joked about it... but I left her house with that seed of thought planted in my head and I continued to think about it.

I have some thoughts about it.

When I say rollercoaster, I mean up and down, sideways and straight, fast, creeping slow, anticipatory (is that a word?) and dangerously exciting, adrenaline pumping... and of course the "slow down" part of the ride at the end when you know that the ride is over. That would be when I go to bed for the day, or end a season in my walk.

My life has a lot more drama in it than it used to... wether this is good or bad, I am still pondering. I don't know if drama is the right word. Perhaps I should just say "countless things that render a lot of emotion." Perhaps it's just my personality. Looking for excitement in everything, jumping on the wagon whenever something cool drives by, the excitent of something new, a closet hopeless romantic, looking for deeper meaning in the smallest of things, dreaming, investing my emotions sometimes way too easily... all of these things are true of me.

Perhaps its my need for something. My need for fulfillment. Yes, I'm sure a lot of it has to do with that very thing, the need for fulfillment. Perhaps If I found my complete fulfillment in the One that deserves it the most, I'd be more steady. But when I finally do find complete fulfillment in God (I'm working on that), I still find it hard to believe that I'll change.

That is all stuff about life in general. Then I started looking at my day to day. My days are usually filled with a lot of variety. Constant ups and downs. Never a casual ride.

The end of my day is nearing, as it is 12:45. I'm looking back at my day and all that happened. 7:00 a.m. seemed like ages ago!! When I look back at my day I see every range of emotion. I see many different activities/duties that don't have a whole heck of a lot in common except for the fact that they are either all necessary or enjoyable to me.

My day went like this
6:30 a.m. Wake up, and try to recall my sweet dream. Then realize that I had to go to work. I didn't want to teach today, but then remembered that I wasn't the lead teacher today and things were better. The kids weren't as merciless as they were last week, praise the Lord.

8:00-12:00- Work. My boss pushed my buttons today. I was getting pretty negative. Then I remembered how good she was to me and things got better.

12:30-2:30- Entomolgy lab. Um, my lab teacher is pretty boring. So I spent the class guessing the life story of the guy sitting across the room from me. This guy intrigued me from day one. I was pretty positive that he was a wildlife biology major. Attractive in many ways, and I'm not talking about physical attractiveness, just in case you were wondering. He just did things like smile at our nervous lab teacher to give encouragement, answer questions that required insight, displayed vast knowledge of the outdoor world, never looked bored or uninterested in class (unlike me), smiled genuinely at everyone that looked his way, and other various things that made him appear like a pretty good guy. First thought: I wonder if he's a christian? probably so. Second thought: I wonder if he has a girlfriend? Probably so. Third thought: You're an idiot. So while while the whole class was walking around looking at insects under the microscopes I decided that this would be a good time to strike up a conversation. His name is Jeff, from Indianapolis. He is as nice as he appeared to be, and yes, he is a wildlife biology major. He fishes and he hunts, and he also thinks that cheerleaders are a pointless addition to the sports world. What more could you ask for? Oh wait, I forgot, guys don't like to be called nice. This story will more than likely end up nothing more than a friend made in class, bound to lose touch once that class ends.

2:30-4:00- Came home. Got myself worked up about my money situation, and ended up yelling at God. This is actually a very long story with a lot behind it. Thankgoodness for Grace. It wasn't so much me throwing a hissy, but me knowing that my financial situation will look like this my whole life if I decide to follow His call to be a missionary. I was upset about having to bear the burden of worry every day of my life. Then the wonderful book of Matthew reminded me that worrying will not add a single day to my life, and that my faith needed to increase. TADA!

4:30-5:30 Gave piano lessons to the 2 eldest Schwartz gals. Awesome!!

5:30-8:00 Went on a really long walk with Jo. We talked about a lot of things. Mainly about the looming decisions hanging over our heads. This brought about tears, laughter, discouragement, hope, joy, anger, frustration... and everything else in between. At the beginning of the walk I was all worked up and discouraged about myself and life and my ability to follow God. At the end of the walk I was adoring the night sky and the city lights of Manhattan. By the end, God had renewed my love for the town that was in danger of being robbed.

8:00-10:30 Went over to Steph's house and caught up on each others lifes. Then we played DDR. DDR is amazing, just in case you didn't already know that.

10:45-11:30- Had an absolutely ridiculous conversation with my roomate, jo, over facebook chat while she was sitting in the room adjacent from mine. This conversation was one of insult and wit. You should know never to try and outwitt Jo, you'll lose.

12:00-12:30- Read.

And now here I sit...

The one emotion that I never felt today, or any day for that matter, was contentment. This concerns me more and more.

Snickers

2009-01-30T18:44:00.001-06:00

This is my dog, snickers. I get to see her this weekend.

Our track record together:
5 consecutive years grandchampion in obedience at the county fair.
Numerous other showmanship awards
2 defeated badgers
1 defeated opposum
a lot of other defeated wild animals
a lot of long, grueling runs around the section
11 years of being BFF's

Life as a child

2009-01-29T08:13:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning feeling pretty rested. Then I remembered everything that I had to do today, and I got kind of a sinking feeling. It didn't take too long for me to cheer up though, remembering the Lord's goodness. Then, for some reason I thought back to the old days. I thought about what I would be thinking when I rolled out of bed at the age of 8 on a summer day.

Summer was the best time of year when when I was little, because it meant no school. I would wake up whenever I wanted in the morning, which was never too late, because one of my parents would always call from work and wake us up... I'm pretty sure this was to keep us from sleeping all day. Annoying back then, but I appreciate it now.

I would get up, walk to the kitchen table and see what kind of "list" my mom had left for me. The "list" was chores. She would leave one for both my sister and I, and it had to be completed by the time she got home for work. I would plan my day around these lists... calculating what time I had to come in from outside to get these tasks done last minute. After I read the list, I would head outside with excitment.

My FAVORITE place to be back in the day, and still one of my favs, was the creek. Every morning I would walk through the gates of the pasture, and inch my way down the steep hill that led to the creek below the farm. I knew every inch of it, from our fence line, to the neighbors fence line. Well, I knew it past our fence line too, but just not as well. I carefully studied the depths in each area by wading through it, poking it with sticks, guesstimating, etc. I also knew where every log jam was, every bend that created a deeper hole in the bottom. Why are all these things important? Because these details clued me as to where I needed to be setting my minnow traps. I had 5 of them usually... sometimes a couple were in repair. I'd walk to each one carrying my bait bucket. I would always catch more when the creek was running fast after a rain. The best spot to set them was right in front of a log jam, in the deepest part.

I caught a variety of bait in these traps. Minnows of different varieties, (white, black, shiners, redhorse, etc.), creek chubs, crawdads, frogs, and one time I even caught a garter snake. I would keep careful count of each kind of bait that I put in the stock tank. Creek chubs were my most prized possesion, as they were the best kind of bait for catfishing on the river, and most of all because they brought the most praise from my dad. The biggest creek chubs couldn't be caught in the minnow traps because they were too large to fit through the hole. My dad paid me a nickel for every one that I would catch by rod and reel. It was fun. Sometimes I would sit all afternoon underneath the bridge fishing for them. A good day produced 25 or 30.

Other things I would do at the creek was take inventory of trees, especially mulberry trees. We had 14 mulberry trees that regurarly produced fruit every summer. Each year, around the beginning of June the mulberrys would rippen and I would go down, place a sheet under the tree and shake it. I would gather cooler fulls and take them into Grandma's house to make Jelly with her. I would also take inventory of the different kinds of wildflowers, grasses, shrubs, etc. I was always making mental notes as to what environment they lived in, how much moisture they needed, how much sunlight.

One of my favorite things to do as well, was just to sit in a camoflauged place, usually under or in a large tree with lots of foliage, and watch the world go by. I'd observe the different birds, their behavior, their habits. I'd watch them in their day to day. The way they gathered food was always interesting. Some seemed diligent at it, others seemed content to sit on a branch and sing. I always knew when a hawk was over-head because I could see an increased number of birds darting here and there headed for cover, accomanied by loud warning cries. I'd watch insects as they crawled about on the leaves of the tree I was in or under. I'd watch spiders spin their webs... every once in awhile I'd throw a poor unfortunate insect in the web, just to watch the process of the spinning and blood-sucking, haha. If I stood there long enough deer and turkey would venture by, always unknowing. Other times when I wasn't observing the world around me I would lay in the meadow on the east shore of the creek. I'd lay sprawled out, the front of my body soaking up the sun, watching the clouds roll by. It was here as I child that I pondered the heavens. A lot of times I would fall asleep here, content and warm.

That's how I spent most of my days, down by the creek. I also entertained myself on the farm. The chickens were always fun to mess with. I remember one time when my parents bought me different kinds of cool chicks. I named then henneth and kenneth, ed and sylvia, earl and Pearl, norton, and fatty. These chicks were my project... I was pretty proud of them, until one day the neighbor dogs came and killed them all. I always had some sort of fort in the hay barn. I would arrange the square bales in a way that I could have my own little playing fort. It was here that I would sit with my tackle box full of lewers, organizing and counting them. I would pick one up, rattle it around a little bit imagining what I would use it for.

Anywhere I went on wether on the farm or down to the creek, I always had two dogs and 2 or 3 cats following me. All of our animals were dearly loved growing up, they still are. They were my friends all day long, sharing with me my outdoor adventures.

Once I got the list done I would run back outside, and find something else to do, eagerly awaiting my dad to get home. There was always a chance that he would take me fishing. If not, I would be content to follow him around helping him with chores. Often times my waiting consisted of me walking around the farm with my BB gun shooting innocent sparrows and blackbirds.

The time I didn't spend outside was time spent playing the piano for hours upon hours.

So, ya, perhaps this might answer why I have chosen the college field of natural resources, the love of being a park ranger, and my excitement and NEED to be out in nature. When the world gets too much, $100 says I'll be at the lake or the prairie soaking up the beauty in the simplicity.

Thoughts of Mine

2009-01-26T20:06:00.002-06:00

I went to World Mandate this weekend. I am SO GLAD to be back home, but that's not to say the the weekend wasn't SO GOOD and SO COVERED by God's hand. Perhaps soon I'll take time to write out how present God was during the trip, but for now I'm going to write about some thoughts that have been occupying most of the space in my mind during and since this weekend... and a little bit before.

Unreached people have always occupied the deepest depths of my heart. When I say unreached, I mean the people who have never heard the gospel, not the people who have heard and chose not to follow.

Hell. So many people talk about heaven, but I feel like Hell is a place that people don't discuss much. Does this mean they don't think about it much either? Probably so. I've had dreams about Hell... not about me in hell, about what it's like. Dreams at night, day dreams, sudden trances. Terrible images, but realistic. Hell is a reality. The gate to hell is a lot wider than the gate to heaven. This can only mean that more people reach that destination than heaven.
Matthew 7:13- "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."
I feel like its taboo to talk about this sometimes, b/c it seems morbid. It's not, it's just the sharp reality. Talking about acquaintences, good friends, every day people you talk to. For some people, family. Are you talking to them knowing that they don't know Jesus? Perhaps they know His name, know what He did. Maybe they say they believe in Him. Believing in Him is more than acknowleding that His existence is true. It's following him. Thoughts on following later in the post. When I form a relationship with someone who does not know Jesus, I sooner or later am brought to thinking about their destination if they don't come to Faith. Hell. Hell is the worst place imaginable. A place of eternal flames and gnashing of teeth. The lake of fire. A place of eternal torment. Eternity is forever. There is no end to it. No end to the torment. People you love might go to hell. I stand strongly convicted knowing that I have not spoken boldy about the gospel to people that I encounter on a day to day basis. It IS MY JOB!! If we claim the name of a Christian, which means Christ follower, then we had better be doing what He did, which is tell people the news... wether you look weird, step on some toes, or go broke. Fine. Looking weird or having no money is A LOT better than letting people spend eternity in hell. Lord, help me to set aside my fear and walk with you, and follow you with abandonment as you have commanded. Life on earth is but one word on one page of a 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 page book. It doesn't matter at the end of your mortal life what luxuries you have. Ask anyone on their death bed, they'll tell you. I don't want to have to sit before God and explain to him why I suppressed the pain in my heart for the war torn children of Northern Uganda, or the thousands upon thousands of young girls enslaved in the sex trafficing business. I don't want to have to hear Him ask me why I turned my face from them because I was defeated by own selfish fears, wants, and privelaged life. I don't want to have to try to explain why I didn't follow the call put on my life because I was too scared to give up my possessions and rely on Him to take care of me while I was bringing his lost children to glory. I don't want to have to fall to my knees is shame when He asks me why I didn't believe him when His Son told me this:
Matthew 6:25-34 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than the clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable that they? Who of by worrying can add a single hour to his life. And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the gass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying. 'What shall we eat?' or ' What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own.

The Lord promises to give you what you need when you are seeking to advance His Kingdom... He SAYS SO RIGHT THERE!!! So why do I doubt that? I wrestle with this so much because I know that I am one of those called to surrender all and go to the nations. The Lord made me a missionary. There is nothing else for me, and I'm glad... because my heart would never be at rest anywhere else. I have to learn how to rely on Him... until I do, I will never feel final peace, and I will never be walking right. Good.
Lord, I pray you make me miserable to the point where there is no other choice but complete surrender. You made me stubborn... harness that into Holy stubborness. I'm not there yet, but I know that's where I need to be. I want to be there, I want to be so bad... but I am weak. I thank you, Lord, that your yolk is light on me. Help me to trust that you will carry it. My heart twists, causing me great anxt knowing that my faith is small. Help me to be brave.

I had planned on writting summaries of a lot of thoughts, but I guess it didn't turn out that way. Oh well, the Lord knows.

P.S. My sister is thinking about going to Med school!!! Wuuahhh! She dominates.

A day in the life...

2009-01-22T22:25:00.000-06:00

I survived the most trying week in, well, quite awhile. The Lord sustains, yes He does.
Random cool things today that brought me joy to follow.

Talking to one of my besties, Millie from Colorado. She's coming to see me on February 6th. FOR A WHOLE WEEK!!! WHUAAAHHHHH!!! Anyone that sees me on a regular basis during this time gets to meet her. Lucky you!!!

Listening to Christian rap... gets me pumped, man.

Chatting w/ another bestie... and roomy, Jo. This is an everyday joy though.

Praying emotional healing over a lovely gal in Ichthus, and watching the Lord do his magic.

Following a cardinal.

Waking up rested.

This lovely weather.

Deciding to play the piano again. Perhaps teaching lessons?

Engaging in BOTH of my classes today. That hasn't happened in Hmmm, 2 years.

Chit chatting with Matthew, a preschooler who was eating saltine crackers for snacktime. It went something like this.
Me: Hey Matthew, quit talking with your mouth full, mister.
Matthew: (with his mouth still full) Uh, well, well.... I was just telling Mikali something.
Me: (trying not to laugh) Ok, how about you finish chewing and swallow, then talk.
Matthew: (Chewing and swallowing as fast as he can) Hey!! I remember!! This tastes like a snake at a zoo!!!
Me:(Laughing) Do you know what a snake at a zoo tastes like!?!
Matthew: Nope, nope. (3 second pause) No, I've never had that. That has never been in my mouth.

Now for some things that I am thankful for today.

My boss being very gracious when I told her I forgot to make todays lesson plan. What kind of teacher FORGETS to make her lesson plan!

Rest.

The communion of believers.

Finally being at ease about World Mandate.

A glimpse of thoughts running through my head today:

DDT... nasty stuff. Horrible on the bird population.

One of my goals before I die is to discover an undiscovered insect. I definately have a strategy in mind for this, if you'd like to know. It involves the Amazon rainforest, and a multiple ladders.

Dr. Lynch says that shooting your own meat (deer, elk, turkey, etc.) is not cost effective for various reasons. But if your dad buys you the license, you borrow a gun and use your dads shells, well, I'd say that's pretty cost effective.

What would my life look like w/out sin... would I be here, in this exact location? LONG thoughts followed...

I wonder if anyone has a copy of "Silent Spring" By Rachel Carson. If not, I suppose I'll have to buy it. A required for a Park Ranger.

The National Park System is calling my name for this summer, I know it! Please!

Bitterness- what it does to people.

I NEED to get to a body of water. I guess my memory and imagination will have to do for now.

A lot of things spiritual...

Hmmm. I guess I can't tell you why I wrote those things, I don't really know. I think this is the first post that I've written that has no purpose.

I'm headed south to Waco, Texas tomorrow morning at 5:30 a.m. for World Mandate. A missions conference of sorts. I'm excited... that's probably not the word. I'm expectant... anticipating something, wondering if I'm ready for what He's going to give me. Equally excited for the others going on the trip... should be spiffy.

I'm getting up at 4:30 tomorrow morning, and I am drinking tea right now. Lord, help my stupidity.

Peace Out!

no pain, no gain

2009-01-20T21:06:00.001-06:00

I went to go donate plasma today for the first time. I sat for about an hour and a half in line for fileing out paperwork and such, went through the physical, more questions, and finally was able to donate. I get to the chair and they start feeling around for a good vein. They can't find one! Well, they found one... barely, and lost it. The first nurse (I know they're not called nurses, but I don't know what they're called) said she was going to get Susan to do it, since she could barely find the vein. So along comes Susan. She faintly feels the vein, trys for it and misses. So the needle is still in me. Susan calls in Brian, who does the same thing. Brian calls in James who does the same thing. James calls Brian back in, and he tries one more time.

I was pretty bummed about it. I thought that I had wasted my afternoon sitting in a weird smelling place and getting poked with a needle for nothing.

Brian leaves and says he'll be right back. He comes back in with good and bad news. The good news is that they were going to pay me. Yes! $30. The bad news is, since I couldn't donate my first time, my physical was voided so I have to go through it all again... with no guarantee that they'll find a vein the next time either. They couldn't do anymore today.

You win some you lose some.

I'm going back on Thursday.

Restlesness

2009-01-17T01:32:00.000-06:00

I am so restless. No worries though. These particular feelings of restlesness as of late have been those that are good.

I haven't been able to go to bed at a decent hour since I got back from OKC. This concerns me a bit because I have to get up at 7 every morning. My body is absolutely exhausted, by my mind won't quit processing. It won't shut off... that is until I finally give in and take tylenol p.m.

I think about a lot of things all day, but the only thought(s) that actually excite me enough to keep me up into the wee hours of the morning is the advancement of God's kingdom here on the earth.

In particular, God choosing to advance his Kingdom here in Manhattan. God choosing to comission me. Talking with people that are equally excited. Throwing things into motion. The communion of the Saints. The lack of fear, which is only supernatural. Knowing God's voice, hearing it clearly. Life group. Creating unity within the lifegroups. Celebration. Repentance for having vision and choosing to be idle last semester. Long episodes of prayer. Increasing faith. New relationships. Strengthened community. Drawing out battle plans. Interceeding for the Saints. Interceeding for the lost. Striving for abandonment. Renewal. Reconciliation. Relief. Grace and Mercy. Love. Thanksgiving. What fire does when it is uncontained. Refinement. Defining the word missionary. Healing. Connectedness. Humbled from brokeness. Why brokeness must take place. What it looks like when you let Him patch up the brokenness.

I could write my long and drawn-out thoughts about all of those topics, but I won't. I would love to discuss them with you over a cup of tea or coffee though. Actually over a hike would be better.

I wish I had words to describe this restlesness. I can't sleep because I am anticipating so much. I'm looking forward to the things to come, to see Jesus sweeping through Manhattan in His glory. It's a burning feeling. One that keeps my heart rate increased constantly. The heart pumping out excitement into my blood, infiltrating every inch... it needs to escape. It's not meant to stay inside. Will you step out with me?

Lord, save me from attack. Don't let this be stolen.

Great is Thy Faithfulness

2009-01-16T10:06:00.001-06:00

God is good all the time. All the time God is good.

I've been asking the Lord to increase my faith. Most of all in the area of finances. I had $1500 due two weeks ago. In the area of tuition my parents have always been more than gracious. Due to the economy, being that gracious is A LOT harder. So I was standing there with $-0, a large bill at hand, and panicky thoughts running through my head about how this was going to get paid for. During the OKC trip I was convicted about my lack of faith, and turned this tuition worry over to Him the best that I could. This is how the Lord chose to handle this.

1) My boss gave me a raise yesterday and offered me extra hours in the evening, cleaning at the preschool. Sweet.

2) Sending my W2's at the right time. I forgot about this. Once I come up with the money to get my taxes filed, I should have $1,000 in my pocket.

3) AN UNEXPECTED SCHOLARSHIP! Don't ask me how this happened, because I didn't apply for it. It landed in my lap, this morning. $750.

4) And donating plasma with my dear friend Gretchen.

5) Last but certainly not least- parents that give a lot to me.

Thankyou Lord for answering my cry.

Quoting lyrics from Brad Kilman.
"My story's simple told. I waited for the Lord, and he heard my cry."

Thankyou Father for your grace and mercy.

The part of me called the piano

2009-01-15T22:41:00.000-06:00

Yes. The piano is a part of me. I'm pretty sure that only one or two of you have actually seen me touch a piano. And if you did, I definately know you didn't hear anything too complicated. That's because I haven't played anything beautiful or alive in front of anybody for going on 2 years now. Sadly, there is a tragic story behind it. Get the kleenex's ready.

Just kidding about the kleenex's, but I do think the story is rather tragic.

In highschool I was definately the music nerd. Ya know.... show choir, vocal and instrumental solos, jazz band, concert band, quartets, barber shop, girls groups, etc. But my most treasured musical instrument that was set apart from the rest was the beloved piano. Ahhhhhhhh.

*Brief moment of reflection.*

I went to Colby Community College and got away pretty much free with music scholarships. I knew that colby wasn't a good music school, but they had one heck of a piano teacher, so I saw it as a year to prepare for my piano audition at K-State. I also spent that year at Colby preparing for my voice and clarinet audition.

I still remember the date. March 15th. Voice audition 10:00, Piano Audition 10:30. Clarinet audition 12:00. I would tell you the titles of all of my pieces, but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't find that very interesting. The day finally came, and I was ready. I was confident, not worried. I made it through all of the auditions without passing out, so that was good. But I wasn't at all pleased with the performance I displayed w/ the clarinet and voice. The piano audition, on the other hand, well, I was pretty sure I rocked the house on that one.

3 weeks went by without hearing any word. Then I got a letter from the voice department saying that I didn't get a scholarship, because I wasn't a vocal emphasis. Whatever. Shortly after that I recieved a letter that offered me a small scholarship for the clarinet if I enrolled in marching band. In your dreams Dr. Tracz. I don't particuraly care for you, and I can't stand marching band. No big loss. I waited another week after that and finally got the letter that I had been waiting for! Yay! I opened it and was overjoyed to read that they were offering me a pretty nice scholarship. I accepted, yada yada, and off to K-State I went, to be a music education major w/ an emphasis on piano performance.

So I get to K-state and I meet with my advisor, whom I thought was going to be my piano instructor. She informed me that I was going to be a student of the "new guy in town," Dr. Slavomir Dobrjasnki. She also told me that I should be honored. He was a concert pianast hailing from Poland, who has traveled all over the world performing famous concertos and the like, and had made quite a name for himself. I was too scared to be honored... I was going to look like an idiot in front of this guy. Oh well, what could I do. I went to my first lesson and realized that he was a REALLY nice guy, not to mention an amazing pianist. Definately the best pianist I had ever encountered in real life, and I got to take lessons from him! Whoo!! He challenged me so much that on more than a couple of occasions I had to break down and cry. The time soon came that I had to pick two pieces to play for juries. These pieces had to be memorized. He chose one for me, and I got to choose the other one. He chose Bach for me. Don't get me started on Bach. I hadn't played much of Bach before I started lessons with him, so I wasn't happy when he made me do that one, but oh well. The one I chose was a Scherzo. It was the hardest piece that I had ever tackled, but me being the one to take a challenge decided that I was going to do it. It was a rapid, intense piece, 9 pages in length. I spent at least 4 hours a day in the practice room on this particular piece. It was getting close to crunch time, and I still didn't have it memorized. I could only play it at 110, and it was suppose to be performed at 120. Panic was starting to set in. The last week before juries were sleepless nights. They were spent in McCain Hall boxed into a little practice room. I didn't dare go to sleep anyways, I'd have nightmares about it.

So finally the time came. I was standing outside of the theater in all faiths chapel, waiting for the person before me to finish. Patrick Amos was before me. Some of you probably know him. His perfrmance was flawless, by the way. He came out, smiled at me with relief and wished me the best of luck. I walked in, hands already shaking, heart pounding, legs weak. Not good. Shaking hands are terrible for playing the piano. I greeted the jury, introduced my pieces, sat down down at the grand piano and took a deep breath. I sat there for about 5 seconds, which seemed like eternity and somehow got my hands to quit shaking. I raised my hands to the starting position, took one more quick breath and started. I finished the Bach piece, not without flaws, but I survived it. Next was the moment I had been dreading. I took another deep breath and started. I knew things weren't right from the start. My fingers were fumbling everywhere. Things were sloppy. I was able to keep ahold of it for awhile though. When I reached the part of the piece that was hard, I started to panic and I blanked. I lost it. All memorization stopped, and I couldn't go on. Silence. The only thing I could do was start over, my mind was too flustered to find a good place to start. I was about ready to cry at this point, but I didn't. I started it over, got to the same spot, and blanked again. So I skipped ahead, about 3 pages. I totally missed 3 pages of my piece. I heard the jury shuffling music, trying to find out where I was at. Nice, Jenna. Idiot. Even after I skipped three pages, I messed the rest of the song up. I had to stop several times, it lacked any intensity, and Scherzos are SO intense. It didn't have any musicality. Oh man. After the last note was played, I released my hands from the piano, and sat there for a good ten seconds. I was pretty much numb. I got up, gave a weak smile to the jury, and walked out of the door. No emotion. I walked home like a zombie. I came home and sat on the couch, staring at the wall for about 2 hours... not feeling much of anything. Then it hit me, and I kind of went nuts. I threw a shoe at the wall and left a nice black mark, yelled obscenities at my piano music in my closet and at my sisters stupid cat, ripped apart the music to the damned song, and kicked my bookshelf sending books flying. Then I cried, and fell asleep for a LONG time.

Disclaimer. I just want to let you know that I do not throw tantrums. That one right there is the only one that I have ever thrown, and I would really like it to be the last. I'm pretty sure it will be. I don't ever want to act that way again. Just thought I should make that clear.

The next day I switched majors. Didn't talk to my advisor, didn't even tell my clarinet teacher, whom I really liked, and I was too ashamed to talked to my piano teacher so I didn't tell him either. I was just gone... like that. Stuff the pain, walk away, no looking back. Later on my piano teacher e-mailed me, and we talked through e-mail. I told him that I had other reasons for leaving, and that this was just the catalyst. He asked if I would please continue to take lessons, and have less pressure because I wasn't a music major. I told him no, that I wanted to stay away for awhile.

Yeh, my actions seemed pretty hasty. But all semester I had been miserable. Not only did I spend a lot of time practicing the piano, but I spent an equal amount of time practicing the clarinet for symphony band. Symphony band was SO hard, and Dr. Tracz was so mean. I couldn't stand that man. He is the only Proffessor that I have ever gotten in a heated argument with. When I came to K-State, I still loved music. I was really passionate about it. But at the end of the semester, I can honestly say I hated it. After I quit, it took me 4 months to even touch a piano, or my clarinet. Even then, I only played by myself. If anybody else was in the room I played really easy songs. Nothing fast, nothing impressive. To this day I still have a fear of playing in front of people. I'll play little things, but nothing from the heart, nothing with Spirit, nothing that will enchant people.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because I've never told anyone the full story. Sad, I know. I never wanted to let anyone know how badly I failed. It's a pride thing. God has really convicted me about my pride lately, and I figured this story would be a good way to inch into dealing with larger pride issues.

I'd really like to get back to my love. I really would. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. We'll see.

OKC Part I

2009-01-13T19:50:00.000-06:00

So I just got back from the OKC mission trip. Whoah.

I'm exhausted. But it's a good exhausted. A little bummed about being back in Manhattan, honestly.

When I heard that the trip might be a little bit of a retreat, I thought, "oh no... that means time to think and to let God uncover things. I'm tired of letting things get uncovered! No more!" Not that I'm always rebellious like this, but as of late, he's been making me uncover things, and I was just really wanting a rest from it. Although it wasn't a time of retreat, God still uncovered things. Not without a fight though. I resisted quite heavily at first, like usual. I resist for a number of reasons, mainly from fear. I did, however, pray on the way down there that He would strike away this numbness towards Him, because it's sheer misery when I'm that way. He chose do that through 3 prophetically gifted prayer people. Marsha, Mikala, and Stephanie.

Marsha. Pretty much exactly what I'd like to see myself as in 30 years. This lady hears from the Lord! Mmmmmyah. She also feels acutely what the Lord is saying. I met with her before church on Sunday. We discussed/prayed over a number of things, but I'm just going to talk about this one. I have seperated myself from God by staying back for fear of the unknown. There have been several ministry opportunities (overseas) that I have decided not to go on just because I thought that I couldn't swing it financially. That's 99% of reason why I haven't followed the Lords calling to venture overseas short-term. I don't have the faith to believe that the Lord will provide. Shame on me. Seriously. I've seen God provide for SO MANY other people to go on these short term trips. Why wouldn't he do the same for me? Of couse he would. But I was too chicken. This fear really cripples me. I'm to the point in my spiritual growth, that I need to take leaps of faith. I'm not going to go anywhere in my ministry if I don't. He's been calling me to follow in faith more and more, and I have resisted more and more. This was a huge agent to my numbness. I've always known this, but was always able to push it to the side and still be ok. Well, by ok I mean still functional. God disciplins his children. That's what fathers do. At this point I realized I was being disciplined. After Marsha listened for God she warned me that I needed to repent. I needed to confess my sin. Confessing transgression such as bad behavior and stuff like that is a lot easier for me than confessing and repenting from sins that you only did because you were scared. I don't repent unless I am seriously ready to fix it. That prayer time was quite agonizing for me, which would probably explain why I was a zombie during church. So anyways, I did repent of those sins, but I also confessed that I still don't believe that He'll provide for me, and asked that He would help me to overcome that. I think one of my biggest problems is being honest about my fears and failures, and also asking for help. So it was a double whamy. So yah, I repented, and now I know I need to walk in faith. That's really scary to me. I've never been anointed with oil before. Masha did that. Pretty sweet, completely biblical.

Mikala. Really cool, sweet gal. She prayed over me during worship one night. She prayed about the desert. This dry spell. She prayed endurance. She also proclaimed words such Freedom, Love, Guidance, Rest.

Stephanie, aka Steph. This girl sought me all weekend. The second night we were there she pulled me aside and told me that she could see I was oppressed, particuraly in the Lords gift of joy. Ding ding! Right on Sista! She told me that the Lord was leading her into prayers of freedom for me. Also celebration and lightness. It nearly brought me to tears, because I was longing for those things SO badly. Joy is something that no matter what, I generally never lack, I was missing it. Steph was so encouraging to me. She told me that the moment I walked in the door she was drawn to me more than anybody else because of the love, gentleness I displayed. She described me as captivating. This stunned me for a few moments, because I have never EVER even considered that I was captivating. Rather, I had always believed myself to be plain, not very fun, nothing too special, hugely lacking in beauty, certainly not captivating. Long story told short, I believed that I couldn't ever be loved completely because I lacked so much. A lot of this stems from wanting to be seen and cherished. Every woman seeks to be seen and cherished, especially by men. This is why I generally keep men at a distance. This is why I have a very large commitment complex. I believed from a young age that I wasn't loveable, that I could never be cherished. Letting any guy get too close in friendship or elsewehere would only lead to pain because he would soon realize that I wasn't captivating enough. Ouch. This topic has a bit of sting. I speak of this as if it was in the past. It's not. It's still dwelling within me, but at least I have discovered it to be lie, and can be healed now. Steph proclaimed love over me. She spoke with authority against those lies, and prayed truth into me. Me keeping people, especially men, at arms length has really skewed my idea of love. People have always told me that I really know how to love, but I could practice it so much more if I fully grasped it, especailly in the area of recieving it. It's hard for me to recieve love because I've always felt so completely undeserving of it. I know this has broken my Saviours heart, because he loves and cherishes me so much. When Steph was praying these things over me I was weeping for all of the years that I have pushed Christ's love away from me. I wept because I love Him SO MUCH. It was agonizing to finally realize what I had been doing- rejecting the Love that he so freely gives. He died the most horrible death imagineable SO THAT I WOULD KNOW THAT I WAS LOVED!!! AND I REJECTED IT!!! Yeh, that was me yelling. Thankyou Lord for your mercy and grace.

For a whole year now these things have been slowly starting to boil. By the time of the mission trip they were at a full rolling boil. I was pretty miserable. For a long time now, when I prayed about my future I would get this hazy image of the cross. But the cross was turned sideways. I never understood it. It wasn't until the past few months that I started to think that maybe God was telling me that I wasn't seeing the truth of the cross correctly.

I now know that I was right in thinking that. Why? Because when I was praying on my way home I saw that same vision, except the cross was standing upright, in it's correct place. I looked at it, and my heart rested.

It's alright, Jenna.

2009-01-08T21:57:00.000-06:00

I had a couple pretty unexpected financial blows today. It stressed me out. After I punched numbers for along time and figured out a plan to transfer all backup funds to my one account first thing in the morning and still came up $30 dollars short I was thrown into this horrible spiral of anxiety. It drove me to tears when I realized I had to call my parents and ask them for help.
Gods peace came in the form of my mother this evening. I called her on the verge of a mental breakdown. She didn't hesitate for a minute in giving me money... not even a second. They always bail me out. I was thankful for her financial support, but even more thankful for her support in other forms. I wasn't just stressed about my current money situation, but what was to come in the next few months with finances. I had all sorts of horrible, hopeless thoughts running through my head... and it was giving me an awful complex.

If I had to pinpoint one gift that I cherish the most in my mom (she has many), it would be her compassion. I say this because she always has compassion towards me. I can't think of a time in which I've came to her in a wreck and she hasn't comforted me. Her words always make me feel better. She helps me put things in perspective. She shares her wisdom gained from similar past experiences and helps me to realize that it's not so bad, that I can always make it through. She empathizes with me. I know that when I spill to her about how I'm feeling, she feels it too. That's why her advice is always so heart felt. I thank God for family. I'd surely be lost without them. I can go to friends for a lot of things, but when something really tough happens the only person I want is my Mom. And she's always there. It must be a mother thing... the whole "making everything better."

So I sit tonight resting a lot easier than I did earlier. Not because the situation has gotten better, but because I have peace knowing that things will work themselves out. Thanks Mom.

My Work

2009-01-08T14:49:00.000-06:00

The hilarity is too much sometimes.

During snack time:
Cale: He raises his hand signifying he wants another cookie, and looks at me with eager expectation.
Me: "Cale, You've already had 5 cookies and two glasses of milk. Why are you eating so much?"
Cale: "I eat like a MAN!!! I'm a MAN!!! MMMMM YEAH!!! Give me a cookie!!"
Me: "Say please."
Cale: "Please."

During Recess:
Out of complete nowhere Nissa shoves her head out of the playhouse with utter alarm in her wide eyes and yells at the top of her lungs, "A TOMATOE!!!!! RUUUUUUUN!!!"
All of the kids run and scream. This goes on for about 2 full minutes, then their running turns to skipping and giggling. Then they all start saying, "a tomatoe!"

Ah, the minds of children are so lovely and innocent. Vivid imagination makes their world colorful. What was going through Nissa's mind as she was playing in that playhouse by herself? What kind of story was playing out in her head when it got to the climax of the story that led to that dramatic outburst?

I love my preschoolers dearly.

One more.

Lesly: "Miss Jenna, will you color with me?"
Me: "Of course! What ever shall we color!?!"
Lesley: "You."
Me: "Me!? You can't color on me!"
Lesley: With a giggle, "No! Not on you! I'll color a picture of you so I can show it to my daddy."
Me: "Ok. Why not a picture of you?"
Lesley: "No, I want to draw a picture of you."
Me: "Why?"
Lesley: "Because I love you. I love you Miss Jenna."
Me: Heart melting at this point. "Awww, thank you Lesley. I love you to sweetheart."
Isaiah:"I love you too Miss Jenna."
Lily: "Yeh, me too."
Me: "I love ALL of you guys because you are so sweet and special to me!"... As I wrap all three of them up in a great big hug.
Cale: "Miss Jenna!! Me and my dad are gonna shoot a big buck! We're gonna get em!"

4.0

2009-01-07T18:00:00.000-06:00

I'm going to get a 4.0 this semester. Those of you who are familiar with my attitude towards school are probably either rolling their eyes or chuckling right now. This is my 8th semester at K-State, and I can honestly say that I haven't cared in the slightest about getting a 4.0. I maintained a 4.0 at Colby. Yah, big deal. That was community college. I cared about pretty good grades for awhile, and realised it wasn't getting me any scholarships, so my effort dwindled. My GPA is fine, I don't need to get a 4.0, but I want to because I think I should fight this whole "senioritus" idea. I had a pretty bad case of it last semester being a super-senior. This will be a good character builder. I have gotten out of the habit of studying... not that it ever was a habit, but I used to do it a lot more. So, anyways... anybody wanna be my study buddy sometimes?

I don't know.

2009-01-06T22:36:00.000-06:00

Ever since I've arrived back in Manhattan, I've been slowly drifting off. I recooperated over the break, was in the word, hearing God, etc. I guess I don't quite know what happened when I got back. It's weird. I can't quite explain it. I'm not depressed... just lacking. I've had a wonderful time catching up and hanging out with friends, not to mention the excitment of Jo moving in! My communication with God is lacking, big time. Perhaps its because I have been working 9 to 10 hour days, but I don't think so. There isn't a sin in my life keeping me from Him. Its hard to pinpoint the reason for this lacking. I don't know.
Lately its been brought to my attention this "wind" that has seemingly been blowing through Manhattan that many have been feeling. Perhaps my numbness towards the closeness of God has made me just another victim to this wind. If that is the case I hate that. First of all, I hate the idea of being a victim, as I am a fighter- not one to easily be victimized. Second of all, why didn't I see this coming? I don't know. I'm usually perceptive to the presence of evil, and am quite often the one to call it out... but here I stand the one who has been dooped. Silly pride. Who cares just as long as I get it now.

On a different not I am terribly restless. Largely about my job. It frustrates me that I can't be content in one place for very long. Examining my life, I find this apparent in many areas of my life. I often times wonder if this is a flaw in me that I need to overcome, or rather something that I should continue to embrace as the way the Lord has made me and accept and refine it in a way that would glorify God.

I work at Oak Grove preschool. I recently got a promotion to a lead teacher position. Something that I can almost say with confindence that I did not want. With the new position comes more responsibility, inconvenient hours, etc. I had been seriously been thinking about leaving when I decided to accept this. I don't have a good reason to leave Oak Grove, other than that feeling. As John Creagar would say, "that itch." That's a very good word to describe it. Flexible hours, reasonable pay, a WONDERFUL boss. Pretty much the college job dream. I was content there until I got the itch. Now the thought of leaving is a constant thought in the front of my mind, which in turn causes me to not enjoy my job in the present. I feel as though the only way to ease this anxiety is to itch that scratch.

I was nearly confident I was going to find a new job until I had an unexpected conversation with my boss. She is Hindu. I was cutting apples when she walked up to me and asked what people speak Hebrew. This led to a conversation about the Jewish people and the Jewish faith. Then she asked if Moses was a Jew. We talked about Moses for quite awhile. Then she started inquiring about the Bible... specifically the different between the old and new testaments and how or if they lined up with Jewish belief. Then we started talking about Christianity. I explained to her some things that she was quite suprised to hear... like the actual meaning of the word "Christian." What the meaning of the word "Christ" meant. She said they she is friends with a lot of Christians, so it suprised and equally so sadened me that none of them had felt the pull to share with her. Perhaps they felt it and didn't act on it, who knows. Do all people who call themselves Christians actually know what it means to be a Christian? Do they realize what they are professing? I already know the answer to that. The answer is no. This brings a heaviness upon my heart.

My boss and I have talked about religion before... a lot actually. But this conversation was different. We talked about Jesus. The second she asked about the Hebrew language I noticed a look of searching in her eyes... one of tiredness and desperation. She listened intently and only spoke when asking another question. I had been hoping for this open door since day one... for the right time to share the gospel to this lady who deeply believed in the Hindu religion and various other gods.

Is it the right time to leave now that the subject of the gospel is soon approaching in our relationship? Just for the sake of relieving this itch? It seems selfish to me. Perhaps this itch that I'm constantly bending to is the voice of God. Perhaps its not. I don't know. I'm more of a pioneer that a settler. Perhaps God just asked me to plant the seed in this workplace and move on to another one. Should I trust that someone else will come along to nurture that seed? Or should I stay and do it? I don't know.

I don't know.

The Little Brewing Pot

2009-01-04T13:41:00.000-06:00

I'll be honest in saying that I left for Christmas break feeling all but completely defeated. A lot of situations weighed upon me heavily. Looming decisions hung over my head. A few relationships had wounded me. The loss of a loved one made my heart heavy. I had began questioning a few very important things the Lord had told me about my life.

Looking back now I see this picture of a big brewing pot. 2 cups of confusion, 3/4 cup of fear, 1 cup of idolatry, 1/2 cup of death, 1 cup of covetedness, 2 Tablespoons of bitterness, 8 cups of undealt with emotions from the past, 1 Tablespoon of lack of prayer and 2/3 cup of willfull transgression. Various ingredients were added through the semester. It was one potent pot of crap. It was just right... the devil had tweeked this pot of poision to perfection. It seemed as though I was just about ready to swallow it when a little Birdy came in behind the devils back and added one ingredient that was not part of the devils recipe. The thought of Freedom. Just a pinch of a thought of freedom made the whole pot of potent poison explode! Kabam!! It broke into pieces the whole pot and spilled everything onto the floor! You can probably imagine that it left a quite a mess. A rather ugly mess. Nothing that a Mop and Water couldn't make quick work of though. I opened the windows to let the Breeze blow in some fresh air and to dry up the floor. I glued the pot back together. Seamless.

That pot of yuckiness was my heart. The ingredients were the working of evil. The Birdy was my heavenly Father. The pinch of the thought of freedom was the Cross. The broken pot and spilled yuckiness was my broken heart and everything coming out of it. The Mop and water was Jesus and the mercy and grace he offers to his undeserving friends and followers. The clean and crisp breeze drifting in through the window was the Holy Spirt coming to freshen everything up and sweep any fowl smelling odors out of the window to be gone forever. The glue is the promises from God.

I'm glad the Father isn't content to let poison dwell in the hearts of his children. He's the master chef. He always has the right ingredient. He'll be faithful in giving. You be faithful in asking.

Grandma, homechurch, Rocky Balboa... among other things.

2008-12-25T19:12:00.000-06:00

On Wednesday I played cards with my Grandma for 7 hours. You would think that I would get a little restless sittin at the card table with my grandma for that long, but no. Now way! I love my grandma. If there was a best ever Grandma in the world contest, my grandma would win, hands down. What is so exciting about playing cards with my Grandma you may be wondering? For those of you that know me well enough to have seen beyond the sweet, smiley Jenna, I'm sure you couldn't have helped but notice my over-competitive, proud and antagonistic nature (believe me, I am working on this). While this side of me I generally see as vice, I totally revel in it with my grandma. Why? Because she is the same! Especially when it comes to playing cards. Our card playing tactics are rather vicious and spiteful... downright dirty at times. Winning at cards is serious business. I have to lose this mentality when I'm playing with friends that play just for the sake of playing. The concept of "not keeping score" is absolutely unspeakable to me. I digress. My Grandma and I are kindred in that we don't take offense to competitiveness while playing cards with each other. As far as we're concerned, it adds more to the fun.
Aside from the competitive fueling, believe it or not, I find more joy in having conversation with her. Between games we chat about everything. We talk about Faith, hardships, marriage, funny childhood stories (hers are always WAY cooler than mine) and of course men. She's always on the edge of her seat ready to hear about my latest romantic interests or sometimes lack of interests, haha. I tell her this and that, and she always has some sort of "guy" advice for me, or some story about the guys she used to "go" with. I always walk away with a fresh perspective on whatever situation I may be in at the time.
Next topic: Home church. I grew up going to the American Lutheran Church in Smith Center. Not only was I confirmed and baptised into this church, but so was my mom, aunt, grandma... you see the pattern. My Grandma was married here, so was my mom. I remember each and every one of the Sunday school levels I went through. I remember sitting through two years of greuling confimation classes, whoah. I remember each and every one of my sunday school teachers and the relationship I had with them, and how they furthered my faith. One I remember the most. Her name is Nikki Henning. She was my Sunday School teacher from 5th-8th grade. This woman is the principle pillar of my faith. It was in her classroom that I came to understand what it meant to have a true relationship with Jesus. It was those one on one conversations that I had with her that showed Jesus to me in a whole different light. Before it was all book knowledge, not heart knowledge. Her relationship with Him was inspirational to me, and something that I wanted for myself. She's the one that encouraged me to go to Timberlake Ranch Camp. I went there for three summers. Each summer I formed a close relationship with my cabin counselor. Both of my cabin counselors, though time spent with them was short, were also paramount in my faith. It was during those 3 years of my life that Jesus had gripped my heart. There was no turning back :)
The Christmas Eve service at my homechurch is the same every year, and I like it. I practicly have the gospel reading memorized from hearing it for about 15 years straight now. As I was sitting in church, watching people file up to take communion, peace filled my heart as I could tell you the name of 80% of the people that I observed. These people were the same people that watched me sing "Jesus loves me" during my 3rd grade Christmas program, that watched me take the vows of communion in 8th grade, and also the people that sent me off as I went to college.... only more aged now. My home church has a strong community. It's apparent in their faithfulness. While I flourished in my faith the most when I got to college, the seed was planted in the pews of my homechurch. Thankyou mom for dragging me to church when I was young, it's the greatest gift you could have given me... even when I fought you on it.
Christmas morning is always the best. That is the time that my family (Dad, Mom, Joleen and I) have our Christmas. Joleen always pounces me at 5:30a.m. and pesters me out of bed (she still does it at the age of 25). She then proceeds to do the same to my parents until we are all up and gathered around or close to the tree. Then we open presents. Earlier this Christmas season I was almost wishing that we could nix the whole present thing all together because a lot of times I find myself trying to feel guilty for all of the gifts that my parents get me. I also know that they don't want Joleen and I to feel the pressure of buying them gifts. But I was wrong. The joy that all of us get from giving things to one another is irreplaceable. This is always a grand time. Each year we realize more and more how blessed we are, and are in turn thankful for each other. After we open gifts, we usually watch a movie together and hang around the house the rest of the day.
Today I managed to watch all 5 Rocky movies. Whoah. What a way to spend Christmas, eh? Don't worry, it was a family ordeal. Quite enjoyable. I don't so much like all the fighting scenes, but I do quite like the story. I love how Rocky and Adrienne love each other.
If you have managed to read this up until now, congrats. It was long! Peace out.

Best Buddies

2008-12-22T19:47:00.000-06:00

Christmas break thus far has largely been spent being buddies with my dad. Afterall, he is the most treasured man in my life :) We spent all weekend processing deer. Whoah. I was so ready to be done with that. Doe season still remains, and then I must do it all again. Oh well. Would anyone like some deer jerky?
Aside from processing deer we've been cleaning guns, making deer jerky, cleaning the machine shed, watching Gunsmoke and Bonanza and "going around the horn." "Going around the horn" is driving around in the country just for the heck of it. Sometimes we'll get out out and hunt pheasents, other times we'll just drive around and spot deer from the road, talk about who owns what land, all the while talking about silly things... sometimes serious things, and playfighting back and forth. While he's at work I've spent my time cooking for him and my mom. He always requests cinnamon rolls and creme pie when I come home, as well as cookies. Sugar cookies this time of year. Also, every year around this time he begs for peanut brittle. I probably wouldn't make it for anybody but him, because I don't particuraly enjoy making it.
Another thing we always do together is watch KU games... there was one on Saturday night. I know, scold me for being a KU fan, but that's what I grew up as. During and after the game we discuss in depth the strengths and weaknesses of the players, make predictions, get really excited and sometimes out of control when the game gets exciting... ya know, sports talk.
His nick name for me is "Johny." Don't ask me why. At the end of the day we'll be sittin around talking, and he'll say, "Well, Johny, what's the plan for tomorrow?" or, "Are you gonna be my buddy tomorrow?" These questions simply overjoy me because I know he loves spending time with me. I've never had to worry about him needing space from me.
He always makes sure I'm taken care of. He gets upset when I don't tell him when I am beyond broke. He's always asking me questions about my car, and he makes sure it stays running smoothly. He likes to give me random things at random times that he has the inkling that I could and would use... like fishing poles and lures, handheld and car gps units, lawn chairs, cooking utensils and other odds and ends. There probably isn't anything that I would ask of him or from him that he wouldn't give to me (granted, I don't like asking too much).
I'm beyond thankful for my parents. They're way more than I deserve. You know how the old saying goes, "Girls grow up and marry someone like their dad." Have you heard that? Well, this saying has some truth to it, for me anyway. I can only hope to find a man that can love me like that. So far, I've only found one that can love and care for me in such a way, and that is my heavenly Father. That last sentance seems almost selfish "can love and care for me in such a way." But the love from the Father... heavenly and earthly is a love that is not earned, one that you don't have to feel selfish about taking. A love that comes whether you want it or not. One that endures. One that can't be shaken. One that is sacraficial. That love is enough. Love from Father's is a beautiful thing. Thinking about Fathers' love definately puts romantic love in its place. I could live without romantic love and still feel completely loved. But for some reason I still search for it... I still look for fulfillment in that. Is this good or bad? I'm still pondering that. Either way, I'm pretty sure we all do that.

Heal Me

2008-12-21T19:03:00.000-06:00

Healing is a choice. This kind of healing is anyway. The kind of healing I'm talking about is of the emotional sort. The kind of healing that takes place from deep within your heart. Things that dwell within your heart, then infiltrates your thoughts, and your emotional well-being. Your emotional well being then influences your actions and interactions. You can just imagine what happens when what dwells within your heart is something unpure and worldly. I'm sure you don't even have to try to imagine it, because we all have been there, and in turn can recognize what it does to us. For me, imagination of what it can do is certainly not neccessary right now as I am fully aware of the conflict of good and evil dwelling within my heart and what it is doing to me.
Sometimes we don't even realize that what has been dwelling in our hearts for so long is unpure and worldly. Sometimes we mistake evil for good. Thank goodness we have the Counselor to tell us otherwise. This certain something (which is too personal to share in a blog) that has been dwelling within my heart had disguised itself as good for over two years. All the while it had been giving me hope in something that was empty, twisting truth in ways that made convictions sent from God questionable, and causing me to alter my own ideals in which I was SO confident in. Just reading over that last sentance makes my stomach turn. I'm so easily dooped. But that is not the point. God has been putting his finger on this unclean area of my heart for quite sometime now. As it has now come to a head, I am left in a place where I need to make a choice. I have already made the choice to confront this "uncleanliness" in my heart by cutting it off, but the choice I am speaking of is this: How shall I deal with this emptiness? I hadn't realized how much room in my heart this one thing was taking up. This is how I would normally deal with something like this, sadly. I would be bitter and angry about it, all the while not letting on to anyone that I was, and then I would pack it all away deep within me. And there it would sit. Never being adressed. I would say it no longer affected me, but it would. While it sat within in me it would fester... but give it a few years and it will be better. I used to believe that that process was all part of being strong. Heaven forbid I should let anyone know I was vulnerable. That is how I would normally fill the emptiness, with evil emotions that would make me feel better for awhile.
Don't be alarmed. I'm not doing that, although sometimes I get the notion to slip into that. Sometimes I feel as though dwelling in bitterness would help ease the pain. This healing has not been instantaneous. Letting God heal this part of my heart has been painful. That is why I sometimes almost choose the bitterness route. Letting God deal with your emotions means that He's probably going to dig some things up that you would MUCH rather leave sit. He is not content with letting sleeping dogs lie. Sleeping dogs eventually get up, and they're usually grouchy... ready to rip you to shreds. If these things are kept inside, eventually they're going to come up again and bite you in the ass. Ow. We all know that hurts. He doesn't want us to be haunted from undealt with things of the past. It's better just to let God disect your hurt one thing at a time and have them nixed forever. It may be harder now, but the freedom you feel afterwards can only be described as divine!
So, with that, lets fight the good fight. Is there anything that you need to let God heal? What have you pushed aside that you would like to be gone forever?

Time Well Spent

2008-12-19T14:04:00.001-06:00

Are you interested in what I will be doing over break? Yes? Ok. I suppose I'll give you the run down then.

Today: Finish my last final and go home.

This Weekend: Process deer with my dad. Between my dad and I, we shot 5 deer. I shot two, he shot 3. If you take your deer to someone to get proccessed it costs about $75-100 a piece. Yeh, no thanks! I'd rather spend $50 on packing supplies (we already have a meat grinder, which is the most major expense) and spend 3 whole days of quality time with my dad then spend $500 to have someone else do it. I'll let you know how that goes... I'm going to be so sick of it by the end.

Christmas Eve and Christmas- Numerous Christmas get togethers with my immediate family, and both extended families.

Dec. 28th- I'm driving to Colorado to suprise my one of my BFF's Millie, who just got back from a 4 month missions trip from Niger, Africa. I'll stay for a few days and catch up. The more I think about this, the more giddy I get.

Pheasent hunting will be added in there at some point. Ice fishing will be added in there as well if the ice is thick enough. Also, I'm going to clean all of our guns with my dad. More quality time, yay!

December 4th (or somewhere around there). I'm helping my new roomie move in!! Jo. What a glorious day that will be!

December 5th-9th- work A LOT.

December 9th-13th- Ichthus mission trip baby!

Well, that's the general time line. What's that you say? Is there anything else I'd like to accomplish over break? Why yes, there is as a matter of fact, thanks for asking!!!
I have quite the extensive reading list over break. Here they are:

1) Desert Solitaire- Edward Abbey This book was proposed by Mr. John Creagar. John, if you are reading this I would just like you to know you were right on the money when you said I'd enjoy this. I started it last night, and it's amazing. I can't wait till we get to discuss it.

2)The Gospel According to Jesus- John MacArthur

3)The Apostole's Notbeook- Mike Breen

4)A Sand County Almanac- Aldo Leopold I've already read this book 4 times, but I think its time to read it again.

5)Exodus- this is my favorite book of the Bible. I read it a lot. This is perhaps a subject for another blog post.

6) Bits and pieces of Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

7) Also bits and pieces of "Prayer" by Richard Foster (Luke, I promise I will give this back to you RIGHT when I get back.)

A lot of cooking and crocheting will be involved during this break as well.

Cheers my friends! Have a lovely break!!

Fears of the Irrational Sort

2008-12-17T10:53:00.000-06:00

Alright, John Creagars list of irrational fears was enlightening and chuckle worthy, perhaps mine will be the same.

1)Getting one of my fingers chopped off. If I were to get one of my fingers chopped off I would no longer be able to play the clarinet... or even worse the PIANO. Back when I was a music major and on scholarship for clarinet and piano I would try to block this thought out of my mind because I would seriously stress out thinking about it. Anytime I use a knife or anything else that has finger chopping possibilities (which is quite often) I think about it, and take extreme precautions.

2) Spiders. This started when I was little. It got to the point where I wouldn't be able to fall asleep because I was paranoid about them. I would cover up in my bed then freak out because there may be spiders under the covers... but I was too scared to take them off because I was equally as scared that spiders would crawl on me. In 7th grade I actually met with the school psychologist several times in order to work through this very issue. You probably shouldn't tell anyone that, please and thankyou. Just kidding, I don't care who knows.

3) Leeches. Enough said.

4) Slipping and falling on the ice. This one is not irrational I suppose. You should see me walking on the ice, I'm such a weenie. I walk really slow and constantly look at the ground... if I don't, I am sure to fall. I've already wiped out twice during this last snow episode.

That's only 4 things, but I can't seem to think of any others.

Rangering Days

2008-12-16T15:15:00.000-06:00

Have I ever mentioned how much I love being a park ranger? I've worked for the Corps of Engineers as a Park Ranger the past couple summers, and had an absolute blast. I've been considering working for the Corps again when I graduate, perhaps getting a full-time position with them temporarily... who knows what the future holds.
I reminisce about it daily as of late. Last summer I worked at Wilson Lake right smack dab in the middle of Kansas. I lived in a town of 346 people. Before I moved there this summer I was totally dreading it. I was scared of being lonely, and not liking my job. It turned out to be the best summer of my life. It was like a sabatical. During the first half of the summer I worked night shifts- 3:30-12:00. I loved night shifts. I went to bed at 4:00 a.m. everyday, then I got up at about 8:00 and headed to lake to fish, hike, or whatever. During the second half of the summer I worked day shifts. 7:30-4:00. Every evening I generally spent pursuing outdoor adventures as well. Every once in awhile people would travel out to see me, those days were wonderful. Anyways, I really liked it, and I want to go back. I think I will... for at least a while anyways in order to get straight with Salie Mae.